harrassment esculates- terrible time

[star2001]

hi all,
for those who read my previous post "is this harassment" posted a few weeks ago im afraid to say i have had a terrible incident today (dont worry im not physically hurt).

basically i posted recently to say how positively things were going by following the polices advice....but unfortunatley it seems my "cooler" behaviour towards the person causing me concern lead to today.

today whilst at work i was approached by an older gentleman....who was infact the transexual who has been causing my problem. He introduced himself and said he was the gurdian angel of the woman he dresses up as..... he then continued to say that person had died and he was avenging those who had caused this. He quickly became menacing saying he was going to "FING kick the S*** out of people" and then leered he wasnt a nice person. I ran off the floor crying while a collegue told him to leave. We then locked the doors and called the police.

While awaiting for the police i had the worst series of panic attacks i have ever endured. It was horrific. Then things got even worse. He started trying to access the store via the back door....and when this failed he tried the front. I was a screaming hysterical mess, convinced he would get me..... so we rang 999. he left flowers and a letter (which the police showed me- i couldnt touch as evidence). The letter was a funny apology really, ending with "when NAME returns I hope you wont shun her because i saw the horror on your face".......

the police have been fantastic as has my area manager. He is now banned from contacting me or approaching me (as a man or woman) and also banned from all of our stores. Sadly though i dont feel relieved.

i feel so scared!!! i keep panicing and thinking imagining the what ifs and what might happen from here. I feel so vunerable and i feel like I have lost a bit of myself. I cant imagine serving customers in my bubbly friendly nature like i have, and i feel like i will forever look over my shoulder :( I cant relax tonight. i feel physically ill, my body twitchy and shakey.....sweaty, sick and this horrible feel of unease :( i also feel embaraased about the panic attacks i had in front of my collegues. I think they were pretty shocked....although they were lovely :(

anyway any thoughts on anything that could help would be great...thanks for listening x x x

---------- Post added at 22:54 ---------- Previous post was at 21:55 ----------

im also totally over worrying wondering does he know where i live.....does he know where my son goes to nursery? would he try and steal my son? o god the thoughts are spiralling i feel like just hiding away, like i cant fight all this fear anymore. i hope this is a reaction and i get better soon :( so frightened x

[crystal17]

Oh my gosh you poor thing I'm really sorry this has happened, its absolutely awful and you dont deserve this under any circumstances. What a weirdo. I cant believe he would do this and come and frighten you like this after you have been a kind and considerate staff member after all this time. I feel really angry for you!

So glad the police got involved and Im even thinking should they put out a restraining order on this person now? Clearly he has no boundaries at all and is attempting to get you to see him by throwing any pride or dignity out the window. Not only that but he is making up bizarre lies saying that his 'alter ego' has died and that hes looking for those that have caused it - to be honest hun I would be freaked out too.
Are you with a partner you could tell, or what about your parents? Can they look after you at all? I think you need to speak to the police and tell them how frightened you are and see what they can do to make you feel safer - you dont deserve to have to be walking around scared of who might be there.

As for him knowing where you live and where your son is (I can TOTALLY relate to this fear btw...), is there any way he could? Have you told him any personal info about where you live? If by some very minute chance he knew where your son went to nursery there is no way he could go and get him - they wouldnt let him go to a stranger and people cant just wonder around nurseries without being asked questions - and he would have no valid reason for being there.

I think next step is confide in someone in your day to day life ie best friend/mum/male friend and then contact the police officers that dealt with it and make it quite clear to them how terrified you are.

Oh I'm so upset for you :( xxx

[star2001]

crystal, thanks so much for replying.....i am really upset and worried about how i feel :(

my whole family know.....i rang my parents in the midst of it all, my parent in laws collected me and my partner knows. The police have issued him with a haraasment order but unless he breaks that he wont be prosecuted me (that scares me......that it might happen again).

i felt before i was safe, but after today it was so disturbing- clearly he is mentally ill......and that frightens me more if im honest!!!

i really think i never said where i live.....in fact im sure, but i think what if he has been watching me (paranoid i know). Im pretty sure i never ever mentioned my sons nursery.... and there are pin locks on all doors and its the best nursery in the world.plus he has never seen my son and only knows his first name(if he even remembers) and we have diff surnames as im not married to my fiancee (yet ) its just my toughts running away with me. think i will still inform nursery tomorrow as my son has picked up that something is going on he said "mummy dont be sad that a customer was naughty" :( its frightened me because literally minutes before my son and his nana popped in to say hi... the thought my little boy could have been exposed to this terrifies me.

although i have loads of support i guess my confidence has just been shattered. i cant imagine being alone ever again. i have moments where im angry and think im not letting a 65year old man bully and manipulate me.....but these moments are fleeting :( i just hope they become more frequent as time goes on!!! guess its very fresh at the mo!!! i have the day off 2moro as i just couldnt face it yet.....back in fri.....but even so csnt imagine standing there....would just be so on edge..... but i really need this job, its only part time as im studying to be a teacher, but i couldnt do without the money, and i worry that i wont get work else where as due to study and childcare im not all that flexiable :( plus its a recession.

just frightened as i dont feel like me :( should i see the doctor ???

thank you for your reply hun, and i know you do understand- greatly appreciated xxxxx

---------- Post added at 23:54 ---------- Previous post was at 23:44 ----------

also i cant stop thinking of what he first said.....

"hello, you dont know me but my name is ------", Im afraid the lights went out and ------- died, dont worry she is safe in a coccon but im here to avenge those that diddnt support her and hurt her.......kicking the f%*&ing S*** into those that did this and by the way im not a nice person" its like he wanted me to say something wrong so he could hurt me or my male collegue. it just chills me to the bone when i think about it. i hate violence and this was just so intimidating :(

[crystal17]

Well Im really glad so many people you trust know about it, in fact the more the better because they can look out for you and make sure you are coping ok.
Its understandable that you dont feel like yourself, its all very new and probably worse because you thought you'd sorted it and he'd left you alone for a week and I imagine you thought that was that, so to suddenly turn up and do this must have been a massive shock.

Maybe you could mention it to the doctor - might be an idea if you still feel so anxious later on in the week, always good to get extra support I think and its good to document things like this as it will help you come to terms with it by facing it head on and discussing it.

I was going to say maybe tell the nursery, you dont need to go into details, just say a brief outline about whats been happening so they are aware. Dont worry about your son, we cant shield our kids from everything and he will soon come to realise that you wont always be perfectly happy and that in life upsets do happen.

Lean on your partner and family at this time, if you need to talk about it then do and cry and get angry too - its a lot to deal with and to keep it all locked inside will only make you more anxious.

I think now the police are involved the person in question will probably have realised how serious its become and maybe they will have been taken down a peg - I wonder what his poor wife thinks of it all?? Or even if she knows about it, you mentioned that she came in with him sometimes. Hopefully he will now think twice about his disgusting behaviour and keep a low profile.

But yeah I do REALLY understand your fears and I honestly would be the same, very anxious and looking over my shoulder if an incident like this had happened. I'm pretty sure you will feel at least a bit better tomorrow and then gradually more as the week goes on, once the shock has worn off.

Please post back any updates and PM me anytime if you wanna chat, I'm here if you wanna talk xx

---------- Post added 12-03-12 at 00:01 ---------- Previous post was 11-03-12 at 23:58 ----------

xxxxx

---------- Post added at 23:54 ---------- Previous post was at 23:44 ----------

also i cant stop thinking of what he first said.....

"hello, you dont know me but my name is ------", Im afraid the lights went out and ------- died, dont worry she is safe in a coccon but im here to avenge those that diddnt support her and hurt her.......kicking the f%*&ing S*** into those that did this and by the way im not a nice person" its like he wanted me to say something wrong so he could hurt me or my male collegue. it just chills me to the bone when i think about it. i hate violence and this was just so intimidating :(

Vile :( Horrible person.

[star2001]

thanks for your kind words.....strange you mention his wife as after i left the shop floor he recievd a phone call and my collegues said he was babbling "no, no, its too late....its revenge bala bla bla" GOD I HATE HIM......GGGGRRRRR!!!!

i will act on all your advice, its so helpfull as always
gonna try to sleep now, just hope i can and dont have nighmares as my vivid dreams can be so distressing. nite nite hun, will speak soon x x x

[Connor_cbt]

hi star,
sorry to hear of the horrible time you've been having, it seems to me like you have been dealing with it very well under the circumstances! The guy obviously has mental health issues of his own, (the person i couldn't help feel sorry for was his wife, imagine what life must be like for her living with that!) You have done nothing wrong but there are sadly people out there that look to take advantage of kind people.
It wouldn't surprise me if he usually lacks confidence in his alter ego and finding someone he could be assertive over allowed all this negative behaviour to surface.
I once knew a tranny that could be quite vulgar to girls and I think it was because of his frustration with not feeling at home in either gender, he felt he was a woman trapped in a man's body and couldn't relate to males yet he knew he would never be accepted as 'one of the girls' either and was insanely jealous of all of the girls we hung out with and made catty/vulgar comments quite often. ANYWAY i don't mean to make excuses but i just wanted to try and help you remember that the responsibility for his behaviour is completely his and nothing you could have done short of never worked in that shop or been another person could have made any difference and the chances are that if it wasn't you, it would be any other kind lady that would put up with him.

Just a little guess work again, if his visits have been going on for some time now and yet he hasn't seen you outside of work for example, he hasn't waited outside to talk to you after the shop closed etc and he didn't approach you on that occasion that you saw each other in town it could be that he believes you have to accept his behaviour in the store as it is your job but you might not be so easily intimidated outside of your work environment? it could also be that in the store you represent to him as part of the establishment a female working in the store that sells female clothing you're like a fully paid up member of the club he wants to get into, yet outside of work you're just an individual woman like any other.

Anyway, under those circumstances it's perfectly natural to have panicky thoughts, you were put in a very stressful situation! im sure your colleagues probably feel guilty for not realising how much this guy was upsetting you earlier and most of them probably felt uneasy as well around him.

As difficult as it may be, you need to hope that this action will have put him off any further nasty behaviour and try to get back to normality, it sounds like you have some great support use it to get your confidence back

[hallam11]

Well Star, I don't quite know where to begin. Firstly I am so very sorry that you have had this to deal with especially after having thought this was dealt with. I agree wholly with Connor, I think he does have some issues and possibly a mental illness nevertheless that is no excuse and that is his problem. You sadly was just that person who was nice and he has taken advantage. I feel like Crystal - I feel angry that this person has done this to you and upset for you. I understand you will worry but I don't think you need to - easier said than done I know but I believe he took advantage of you because you worked in the shop and he knew you had to have some sense of service working there.

Take care Star! Big hugs for you!

[star2001]

evening all,
thought i would post a little update.....

This morning I woke up feeling suprisingly great, and i felt determined i wouldnt have another day like sunday.......

I dropped my son at nursery, discussing my fears and am now completely reassured that i was just having irrational thoughts. I then went to the supermarket with my partner before he started work. I was a little nervy as I once saw this person whilst shopping in this particular store. So was a little jumpy etc, but was ok. and then i spent the day doing normal house hold stuff (glamourous i know..... ).

It really helped me to feel like me again which was good. This evening though i had another meltdown :( its like any little thing that would normally make me sensitive is timed by 1000 and i just breakdown :(

had a good long chat with my partner about everything thats worried me/upsetting me and im feeling brave again.its a bit of a rollercoaster, but im trying to see the positive.

CONOR- thanks for your insightful reply. I have gradually accepted that this whole problem has been his issues not mine, so thanks for pointing that out and its quite interesting your theorys about how he used the work place to target me as a "member of the club" makes alot of sense. so thanks for that

HALLAM- I think this has been the biggest shock....that i really believed things were better.... Im feeling quite angry too and during my braver moments I refuse to let this intimidating pathetic character damage me any more (sorry if that seems harsh- know there is some mental health issue with him, but im pasting feeling any compassion).

Im trying to be realistic and thinking this police order will do the trick. Just gotta keep trying to move on, and im just accepting im going to have moments where im not so strong!!!

will post any updates soon and once again thank you to all those for thier support and kindness greatly appreciated x x x

[hallam11]

That doesn't sound harsh at all! Trust me - I think when someone has made you feel like that then it is absolutely normal to feel a defiance against that person.
My sister is being bullied at the minute at work and she is a real wreck, she is a very timid character, she doesn't stand up for herself much and it has made me so very angry! Seeing her in that state has really wound me up and its upsetting to see her like that. So I do understand that you feel very helpless sometimes for the situation but as I tell my sister it is their problem and not yours!

Keep that in mind sweets X x

[star2001]

ah bless your sister...im not timid just too polite and too much of a people pleaser to say when im unhappy. I hope your sister is seeking help and speaking out. I thought this situation would just "get better" sadly people with these issues have no boundaries and unless we find the courage to resolve the situation they seem so blind to realise what they are doing.
I feel alot better but still cant help wonder if this is the end of my ordeal. I really hope it is, but if not i know now the police, family and company will support and help me. Feeling a bit shakey about my first shift back.....but just taking it one day at a time.
thanks for your reply x x x