PTSD and family problems

[swgrl09]

Ok, hard to write this out here but here goes. So I have alluded to what my brother in law did to me on this site before, and it has contributed big time to my PTSD, but never really discussed in depth what happened. I feel I have to just to be able to post about what I am going through with my family.

Over the summer I was raped by my brother in law. Don't want to go further into it than that. Before I have alluded to him violating me, etc, but it was rape and it feels so bad even just saying the word. My sister is married to him still and defending him. She says he was raped as a child and that I need to choose to not be mad at him anymore for her sake. She herself has been raped during college so I am so hurt that she cannot understand how hard this is for me and that I am not just going to "get over it." She wants me to be able to have him back in the family. Are you serious?

Worst part is this is not the first time he has done these things. When I was in high school he was seriously inappropriate with me online and would not leave me alone. He also sent inappropriate photos to a friend of mine. I brought it up then and she denied, blamed me, etc.

Now we are going through family therapy in addition to my EMDR and individual therapy. She is so awful, blaming me, saying I am punishing her, when he did this. I just feel like a wreck, can't function, am depressed and yet have hypervigilance, insomnia, etc. I don't want to go to family therapy anymore because I feel like I can't handle being there, but my therapist (same one does both individual and family) says that I shouldn't walk away from it until I can walk away without feeling anything that is not benign. Like if it upsets me that I have to walk away from my family, if anything is left hanging, I should keep going to it until I can walk away without regrets.

It's just so hard on me in addition to the EMDR. It's exhausting and I'm trying to also be a graduate student and work as well, leaving no energy for my relationship or any kind of social life. I'm just wiped. I'm sick of the BS from her and lack of support from my dad and my other sister. I keep thinking that my mom would have been supportive, but she died last year so there goes that.

I just wanna give up sometimes and move across the country and start over. Anybody relate to that?

Anyway, just venting ... needed to get my frustrations out.

[eternally optimistic]

Hi

Firstly I'd like to say sorry for the awful situation you have been put in and I wont pretend to even imagine the emotions you must be facing.

I think, if your therapist is good, that maybe at the moment one to one therapy is a good thing, for sure, but if you feel you cant handle the family therapy, then you should leave it until you are ready, you may feel that you dont want to take this route.

I am sure you are exhausted with the mental torture and I really feel for you if your sister thinks you should be forgiving. I dont mean to offend you by this comment either.

I trully think when something like this happens that you have to sometimes be extremeley selfish and be concerned for your own welfare, and your own welfare alone.

You need to repair yourself and become strong again to deal with life and its continous challenges. You want to be smiling when the sun is out.....

As I said before, I cant relate but can sort of feel your pain, without that sounding too dramatic, when something has happened to you that is traumatic, you want to undo it and take it all away but, you know you have to live with it.. Its like you have a big hole in your heart and you want it repaired to make it and you whole again. (I havent lost the plot here, in case you are wondering)

I experienced a traumatic thing, nothing like you, thank god, but traumatic all the same and you sort of pinch yourself and say "that bloody well happened to me" and it is scarey.

So, after not really giving you any advice at all there, I'm sorry, I truly wish you well and hope the EMDR works well for you and that some day soon you find peace and manage to cope.

Take care and best wishes.

J

[committeddoxy]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm sure others will agree when I say you should write everything you need to write here, we are happy to listen and it's good for you to get used to the words and get used to being the strong caring woman you are.

Your brother in law raped you. (I'm sorry the words are frightening, but exposure therapy does work....) This is a horrific incidence against you. But unfortunately not that unusual. Most sexualised violence is experienced within the family and by people we know. And things get incredibly complicated.

I'm sure a part of what your sister says is true. Your brother may well be damaged, but this DOES NOT give him permission to pass on the abuse, or excuse the behaviour. He is an adult and can make choices. He chose to rape you. This is 100% his responsibility, nothing you did makes it in any way your fault. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed about. Nothing.

Nor is it your responsibility to 'mend' him or protect him, his behaviour was a criminal offense.

I can't tell from what you say whether your brother in law goes to the family therapy. Personally I could never go to family therapy. I have just been to 6 months personal tharapy and think it might have done me some good.

My family chose not to believe that I was being abused. As the years have gone by it has become impossible to be in their company when all effort is made to give the world the impression we are a successful normal family when in reality we are as dysfunctional as they come.

The ongoing nature of my family background has left me suseptable to predatory males and I get myself in difficult situations.

I am saying this as I believe it is relevant. If you continue trying to struggle on with the present arrangement I think your chances for a full recovery will diminish, as will your chances of being able to have a fulfilling and honest relationship with a man.

I do think you might be wise to get all the qualifications you can and you can survive without a social life for a while.....lots of admiration for your determination.

People can take advantage of your kind nature in many ways. Some people see vulnerablity as an invitation to take advantage.

Please look after yourself.

You are very strong and bright too. You will find a way of getting through this. Youre not on your own.
Doxy
x

[swgrl09]

Thank you both so much for your supportive comments. Currently we are going to family therapy without the BIL. It is just me, my two sisters, and my dad. The purpose was to communicate to each other where we are, and to try to not destroy my relationship with my sister. My family has always had some communication problems. It kind of is backfiring, but said sister is moving out to LA this week across the country so I guess thats over anyway.

I am going for more individual and EMDR today. It is just so exhausting, I miss being able to let my guard down and relax. I wish this didn't take so long to get better.

---------- Post added at 09:22 ---------- Previous post was at 09:17 ----------

Also just to add - Jay Ann, you made total sense when you described a feeling of a hole in your heart. I just don't feel like me anymore. I miss who I used to be. I feel like it is so hard to not let these experiences define myself.

I struggle in my relationship, and I am so lucky to have a guy who is supportive, patient, and understanding. I just am too hard on myself, thinking I am not being good enough for him.

It's just so tiring.

[eternally optimistic]

Glad you have a good man who you can rely on and that supports you - that is so important. I am sure you are plenty good enough for him too.

Hope you can find it in yourself to keep fighting and be strong.