My Fears

[hallam11]

Hi, I thought I would start a new thread because no-one seems to write back on my other thread and I feel like I need some support.

I have harm OCD. My biggest obsession is sexual abuse(I hate saying that because its a massive fear for me) Its been a fear of mine for 7 years now - I don't think it helps that I always felt uncomfortable around babies since I was a little girl. I felt very scared of them for years and then I just began disliking them probably due to my fear. Anyway when I was 18 I started getting very disturbing thoughts - not necessarily mental images more just doubts and questions. I feel as though I really don't want to hurt anyone but then I get really scared that I may snap one day or I may do something before I have even thought about it. Which is odd because I overthink absolutely everything. My mum, sister and friends find me funny because I worry about alot - I don't usually voice my worries. My mum doesn't know about my obsessions although she does know about my compulsions because she has seen them but she doesn't understand the obsession part - I once tried to tell her and my sister but they laughed at my compulsions so i decided not to say anything further.

Anyway the reason I decided to write this post now and here is because I was watching Eastenders tonight with my mum and I felt sick because of the storyline. My mind then began thinking but it seems as though Ben just suddenly became unhinged and I said to my mum how can he just become so cold and mentally instable (in a dangerous way) so quickly, she said well it probably does so I worried because it scares me that I am that way. I said that it worries me to think that tomorrow I could just wake up tomorrow pyschotic and she said well I'd just have you sectioned. But then I think she thought about it and said Ben has shown signs of being a bit unhinged for a long time since his character came back into it. Anyway so this is now on my mind of whether you can just become psychotic and if you are how do you know?

If only I could just put my overactive imagination and constant brain nattering to some good use!

[star2001]

hi hallam, not sure what advice i can offer, but just wanted to give you some support as you have helped me massively.

Firstly i have read your threads before with your worry of sexual abuse. although i suffer ocd, i cannot relate to this, but from reading other posts know this is very common. Let me assure you....if you were going to "hurt" somebody you wouldnt be worrying about it.abusers dont worry, and they dont find the thoughts disturbing....they like them and act on them, so please let that reassure you its just your nasty ocd playing tricks on you.

Its ashame your mum and sister had this reaction when your voiced your opinions. Im afraid this is a common reaction by many who dont understand, people laugh at my "silly worries", so now if i share i ensure i tell them just how my obsessions and compulsions make me feel. Explaining myself properly allows others to see funny habits are actually due to deep rooted worries and not a laughing matter. do you feel you could confide in your mum gradually really explaining how you feel?

I watched eastenders tonight. Ben as a character has defo showed signs of being mentally disturbed on and off for a while. Please remember this is a soap, therefore the actor will have made the switch in his behaviour very obvious for us as an auidience. I very much doubt you could just wake up psycotic. And if you were you would suffer extreme personality and behavioural issues. there would be warning signs too and they certainly wouldnt be just worrying about be unhinged.

When you have helped me in the past you have been so kind and caring, and you couldnt seem further from the person you worry you could be and this is why these thoughts torture you so much. I wish i could help more,

take care, x x x

[RB263]

I can't really offer any advice, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to you SO much. You're not alone. I had the worst intrusive thought happen about 3 months ago now and I've gotten much better, but I still worry daily. I'm not experiencing straight up panic and anxiety attacks any more though.
I can't imagine the mental anguish and pain you've had dealing with this for 7 years! The worst of mine lasted about a month and I was so upset I couldn't eat or do anything. I spent literally all day worrying.

If you become psychotic, you won't know. You won't worry about being psychotic. You'll just BE psychotic. People who are psychotic have no idea that their thoughts or actions are wrong or different in any way. Your mom or family members would notice and get you help before you even got a chance to do anything wrong. But trust me, you're not going psycho :P

In a post I posted when my thoughts first started, someone replied and said..
"The problem is that OCD sufferers want a 100% guarantee that they would never carry out their thoughts and it isn't possible to have 100% certainty in an uncertain world - the mind will always throw up doubts."
It seems simple enough, but I think about it a lot. Everything is uncertain. There is no 100% guarantee you'll never act on your thoughts and that is TERRIFYING, but it's just the way it is. You just have to take it one day at a time.

Message me if you ever want to talk. I can relate to you so much.

[hallam11]

Thank you both for your replies. It is really something I worry about but I think I know im not psychotic its just to do what Ben has done or people like him have done it is usually described as him having psychosis but I know I am not that cold or anything like him. Its just with having these thoughts I start feeling like there may be something wrong with me.


RB263 I agree with this that we look for a 100% guarantee that we won't and I guess there can never be a 100% guarantee.

I had this thought on the bus home that alot of the time I don't have visual images most of the time but just fleeting phrases and doubts or just a general uncomfortableness. Or like today there was a woman on the bus with her little girl and she picked her up and I thought I won't ever be able to do that because I will have bad thoughts. Mostly my thoughts aren't about committing violent or horrible acts but sometimes just inappropriate images in my head. They usually catch me off guard and they cause panic in me and my compulsion usually kicks in without me even thinking about it.

Thank you both again xx

[star2001]

i dont know much about your issues hallam, but i think that the feeling of uncomfortableness etc is from these rare occasions when you have these inappropriate images.(they are just fleeting thoughts....they mean NOTHING!!!) its very sad you say you would never be able to pick up a child....please stay strong and believe one day you will be better. Because i believe you will.

sending you a big hug, stay strong x x x

[monika]

Hallam - All ocd sufferers can relate. I have pure-ocd that is just horrible at times. I was bad a few years back, then 100% normal again and it is only that past month it's been bad, and already I am feeling better. My main fears are a) that I'd hurt someone and b) that I'd lose my mind and go crazy...either start hearing voices or have hallucinations. Anytime I heard the smallest noise or ear-ringing I'd think "It's happening!" But obviously, in these past 5 years NOTHING has happened.

Now no matter what, someone with ocd can hear all the reassurance in the world but it still doesn't put their mind at ease. This is like someone with health anxiety as well. If they think they might have cancer it doesn't matter how man doctors tell them they don't they still won't be convinced.

So how do we really know that these things won't happen? Obviously we can't, but the fact that your so caught up in this and you know you have ocd is enough. There are thousands of people who suffer like you do, and they never carry out their thoughts. I remember I couldn't even look at knives and now I laugh when I think about how ridiculous that was! But I know in your mind it seems 100% real and the possibility is there. I can't offer you a cure, but hopefully this will put your mind at ease a bit, especially since I can totally relate to you!

[hallam11]

Thank you so much for your replies. It does help me so much to know there are people who can help or who can relate to me.

I do have to say I yo-yo from believing its completely true to just being alright but with doubts in the back of my mind. It's hard to believe it isn't just some inherent evil inside me. Because sometimes it feels as though I make the thoughts! Does that make sense?

I also get so confused sometimes because my thoughts happen so fast and I try to decipher whether I need to worry.

[monika]

Well that's why they're called obsessions! Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just say, "this won't happen" and that would be enough. I know from experience though, that gradually the less you let these thoughts consume your time the better life is.

[miss polly]

I don't have ocd but I do have strange thoughts from time to time and believe me they are just thoughts. The fact that you worry about them shows you're far from psychotic ~ you're neurotic which is the opposite end of the spectrum! Psychosis is taking a break from reality and not being able to understand the relationship to your actions impacting on yourself or others. You're the complete opposite you understand the implications and over worry! Neurotic people are over sensitive and try their hardest not to hurt people, but our sensitivity ties us up in knots sometimes! xx

[hallam11]

Thank you for your replies. I have had such a good day today with no bad thoughts and then about 30 minutes ago I had another bad thought. Sometimes I start to worry and go down that road of worrying anf overthinking it before I've figured it's another of the thoughts. I was looking at actors on IMDB, it's just a thing I do if I see someone in a film and I don't know where I've seen them before so I look them up on IMDB to find out and I put their wife's names into google on a separate tab to see if she's been in anything I've seen and on the images showed a baby who looked like he/she may not have any clothing on or not on the top half anyway and I had this very quick thought that I wanted to see or wanted to click on the image to make it bigger or something. Anyway it hit me so hard and I've been worying alot for the last 30 minutes. Is this just another intrusive thought or is this something I need to worry about? The thing is I really I don't want to look but then doubt creeps in and I think maybe I do. How can i stop this intolerable seesaw in my head?