My Fears

[hallam11]

I have had yet another good day but then it's gotten worse as the evening has gone on. I see a theme whereas I am ok in the day and then in the evening I fall apart inside. Tonight the breaker was watching Mrs Doubtfire. A film I have loved for many years, haven't watched it for a long time and it came to the part where they are going swimming and I felt I shouldn't watch but I still did because I wanted to make sure that there was nothing there that could set me off next time I watch it but then I felt much worse because I thought I wanted to see the little girl in her swimming costume but I really don't want to. I am really struggling with this.

My main fear mostly is that I want to see children in vulnerable positions rather than the fear of hurting them. Don't get me wrong I do have those fears too but the most prominent is the fear of the former.
I wish I could find a way to overcome this once and for all.

[hallam11]

Hello again,

Just wanted to share something that I have been thinking about. When I am around people I tend to have thoughts like "if they knew about me and my thoughts they would hate me". This new temp job I have is going ok but my boss is pregnant and I wasn't even thinking anything horribel. She is so excited about having her baby and the excitment was a bit infectious but then when I was thinking about it I thought "you were asking those questions for sinister reasons". I just feel like everything I do I question it and feel as though the reason behind it is sinister.

Does anyone else feel this?

[hallam11]

Hello,

If anyone has any similar thoughts or doubts/obsessions or any insight I would be very happy to hear from you. I seem to have been ok and then today my obsessions have been really hard! It may have been due to stress because I am moving to Spain on Tuesday for the summer to be a rep again. Anyway today I was reading a magazine at work because after 2.30pm there's literally nothing for me to do! Anyway just as it became the end of the day and I was putting it away there was an story about Fred West and about what he did and there were parts where psychologists had put reason as to why he did it and it said his dad was physically abusive and his mum made sexual advances etc, I don't know what it said after that because the anxiety hit me hard and I threw it straight away but now I can't stop thinking about it.

It's more why did he do it, did he believe he was doing no wrong? Did he just decide one day to do what he did or did he plan it? So I got really stressed and anxious about it, when I was on the bus there was a baby who kept crying and so I became even more stressed! Then I got home and my cat wouldn't take her last antibiotic and I got really mad and tried to force her to take it and I shouted at her. I feel so bad, I love my cat a silly amount rally. All my friends laugh because of how much I love her and talk about her. Anyway she took it on her own eventually and when they were outside playing the dog from next door came and chased them and they were petrified. Only one has come back so far and I cuddled her so much. But I am scared about my cat pip, she's a very nervous cat and I feel bad enough for shouting at her and now even more so that she was scared becasue of the dog.

Today has just been a bad day and I just want to go to bed and forget about it! Can anyone help on any of this I would be very grateful,
Thanks
Laura xx

[mck]

Hi Laura,
I can relate to reading things and then they play on your mind, earlier I read a story about a girl who committed suicide and it made my anxiety spike and the you start thinking and obsessing about it. The other thing with your cat I wouldn't worry about, when you're stressed and anxious, it's really easy to get frustrated and snap at people/animals/inanimate objects, it doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a person who's under a lot of pressure. I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

[hallam11]

Ok so I need some help now. I think I have said before about when I was 12 years old or so I swung my cat round by its tail and felt so guilty afterwards. I don't know why I did it, think it was more about something else rather than wanting to hurt the cat. Anyway there's no excuse for it. It doesn't make sense because I love animals and would not hurt one now, even accidently I would feel the most guilt and upset. Anyway the reason why I have written this today is because last week I went down to Nottingham to see my dad, his wife and my grandparents. I am not sure if I have ever noted this down but I have a very odd relationship with my grandparents and my dad. My grandma likes my sister far more than I and this is no family secret...anyway I was saying about having to take my cat to the vet and my grandma said "you've got a cat? I am surprised because when you were a little girl you once threw a kitten against a wall in frustration!"

Well I was shocked and of course my anxiety spiked alot! Anyway we thought she was mistaken because my sister used to swing my cat round by its tail when she was a toddler but today well like 30 minutes ago actually my mum said it was true. Apparently when I was a toddler I was playing with a kitten and cuddling it but it started to scratch and bite at me so I dropped it or threw it I don't know. According to my grandma I threw it against a wall. My mum said I didn't mean it in a nasty way or anything but I don't know if she is just trying to make me feel better.

Well now I am so upset and can't stop thinking about it. How could I be so horrible. Well all know that evil people usually hurt animals? I don't know what to do, it seems like everyone likes to tell me awful stuff like that and don't care how it will affect me. And I find it difficult to forgive them for doing it.

Can someone please help? I really wish I didn't live sometimes

[mck]

I think what you're doing is called checking, it's a compulsion and it will just fuel your OCD, obsessing over past mistakes that at the time weren't even that bad but it's like your OCD warps it and turns it into this really big horrible thing and you must be evil, i know because i've done it. If you were truly an evil person you wouldn't feel bad about doing things like that and plus you were a child, show me a child that hasn't done something stupid like that?
Those people who hurt animals and humans, do it for fun, they get a kick out of it, they wouldn't be posting on a forum, feeling guilty about it.

[Deepest Blue]

Hi hallam11,

I've read through this thread and you seem like a really nice person who wouldn't harm anything at all. The situation with the cat when you were younger, it really sounds like you were unaware of what you were doing, you were a child and children can't always be accountable for what they do. You're a completely different person now and as you quite rightly pointed out would never even entertain harming anything including animals. I think the guilt happens because you're reliving that moment in your mind but of course the difference being you couldn't know then what you know now otherwise you wouldn't of done it at all.

I hope you feel better soon...

Take Care..