revisiting an 'episode' (OCD/BDD/derma) possible trig
last weekend i was cleaning out my room, and had a look through a big box full of old papers and letters. i found a sheet of paper that i'd kept a record of a very bad OCD episode i had just over a year ago now, that i'd completely forgotten all about, and reading it again was very meaningful for me in that it made me realise how much progress i've made. so i thought i'd like to share it with the forum.
(my OCD includes a combination of body dysmorphia and dermatillomania and at the time i wrote this i was suffering frequent vicious cycles of skin-picking where i would cause deep lesions over large areas of my body to the extent of permanent scarring and then dip into massive depressions whilst i had to let myself heal.)
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The beginning of my episode, week starting 1st feb 2011:
Feeling much better than usual. Able to get up reasonably early and shower with little anxiety, preparation of face very easy going and unstressful. Even confident enough to moisturise the rest of my body with no superficial worries. Feeling good about overall complexion and happy being able to focus on touching my legs without compulsion to make them look better.
Saturday feeling a little lower, anxious about running out of products but put to the back of my mind easily. Didn't go out with family because of sore throat and wanted to sleep in even though i didn't need to. For the rest of the day felt anxious about family coming home and guilty about the need to stay in my room.
Sunday feeling very anxious, ran out of my favourite cleanser/toner and feeling very guilty about asking sister for money to buy more. Feeling frustrated also by having to use a different face wash than usual after running out last week, as it was not medicated or specially formulated which i prefer. Stayed in slouchy clothes all day and didn't want to go outside, weather was rainy which made me feel more at ease. Developed one bad spot on left corner of chin and one on bridge of nose that had got worse and very angry. Both causing huge anxiety in combination with lack of usual products to properly deal with them. Used a very astringent toner as an alternative to my usual softer kind, which aggravated and dried out skin a lot. Put on much more moisturiser and Sudocrem overnight to help.
Monday feeling quite anxious about face and lacking the confidence to get up early or go outside again. Skin extremely dry, red and flaky in random places and especially around spots from day before. Feeling too uncomfortable to dress properly and felt a good deal of anxiety about pile of unwashed clothes sitting in the corner of the room. Took a long time to get ready after showering and still feeling unsatisfied with appearance and uncomfortable body. Wore same lounging clothes as day before and felt 'greasy' most of the day although skipped body moisturising. Face felt extremely 'cakey' all evening and got ready for bed early to wash as soon as possible. Discovered another angry spot on edge of jaw and rest of face felt sensitive and injured, red, dry and prone to oiliness. Feeling very despairing went to undress for bed and discovered back, chest and upper arms were covered in small, deep spots and all over felt very clammy and greasy to touch. Had an initial breakdown when trying to deal with face as well as damaging much of the skin on my chest trying to force the spots out and picking and scraping my back. Resorted to using exfoliating gloves dry on my body to scrub away feeling of oiliness on back, chest and arms and after extreme face-picking that went on for more than an hour, had a proper meltdown and began hitting myself and cried out loud for a couple of minutes. Then got into bed and couldn't sleep so began compulsive hitting again until i was forced to get up and move my mirror into position to see and pick at all the red bumps on my body. Eventually went to bed again after another session of face-picking when i drew clear pus and blood from fresh skin around my spots.
Tuesday woke up feeling extremely low and unable to go downstairs until much later on in the day, lay in bed for much of the time. Kept feeling my body for the state of my skin from yesterday and immediately felt relief it was much smoother, but opening shirt to look saw bruising and very bright red spots still spattered over chest which gave me feelings of extreme rage. Face still felt sore and dry and couldn't bear the thought of showering. When i did i spent a lot longer than usual to harshly exfoliate my whole body and afterwards spent more time face-picking and felt low about putting make-up on. Felt heavily suicidal and didn't come downstairs again to eat until evening when the sun had partially gone down and i felt slightly more at ease.
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and that's all i had. it's very insightful to me being able to look back on it and remember exactly how i felt like it was yesterday, and that it's actually so different from today.
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