Anxious about feeling anxious

[Melon1]

Hi Everyone

Does anyone else wake up in the morning, feel okay for about 15 minutes, then subconcsiously assess themselves and suddenly feel the wave of anxiety slowly take hold for the day?

It's almost as if my body is in a habit of feeling this way and I am so fed up with feeling like this. It's a real tension in the head filled with worry and dread,.

This latest bout of HA has been going since January and I am sick of it. I have changed from a fun loving girl to an anxious, sad, pessimistic, quiet, unsociable recluse. I feel as if I am no fun to my husband at all anymore. He is really positive and cheery. He knows that I am feeling like this although doesn't understand why. He is very patient with me. Our sex life has bottomed and I have no interest whatsoever.

I love him more than anything (except my girls) and wish I could be how I used to. His mum has parkinsons and is really poorly and I do forget this sometimes. Luckily he is amazing with our girls while I wallow in my health obsessions.

I have had various tests over the years regarding my health and when they come back fine, I am okay for a few months until another symptom appears, then the cycle starts again. In my head I have had ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, liver cancer and lung.

Cancer is my main worry and I am completely terrified of getting it. I currently have awful neck pain and clicking every time I move my head. The pain spreads to my tendons at the side of my neck and behind my ears and to my throat. It feels as if my throat is closing sometimes. Also, a real tension in the back of my head. The pain sometimes radiates into my breast bone. I am so scared that I have throat or oesophagul cancer and that it has spread to my bones.

I had a general blood test last week and my white blood cell result is low. I am now terrified this means I have cancer. I am waiting for my doctor to phone me and explain in more detail. I am going to be retested on Monday. Does anyone know what this can mean? I have googled a bit (naughty) but just couldnt help it. I had to stop after a while though as I felt a bit panicky.

Am I going to feel like this forever? I am 37 years old, not on any meds, tried CBT, but it didn't work for me. Am currently seeing a counsellor who is trying the Eye therapy with me starting next week. My anxiety started after the birth of my children, so she thinks this therapy will really help me. lets hope so!

I just dont' want to get to a ripe old age and still be worrying about my health! I keep thinking, as long as I can be around to get the kids in school, and then as long as I can be here to see them off to Uni, etc. I wish I didn't think so much... It is really tiring being me.

It's almost as if I need someone to throw statistics at me re: cancer or to tell me to pull my socks up!

I hope someone replies to me and gives me some hope that 1, I don't have cancer and 2/ anxiety doesn't last forever.

Love Melon X

[oscrazymum]

Hi,
Sorry you are feeling so anxious. I feel exactly as you describe, except it only takes a few minutes after I wake up for the anxiety to wash over me and I start feeling my heart beating faster, the adrenaline creeping into my limbs, and nauseous. Like you, my health anxiety really increased after the birth of my little boy, though I've been anxious about cancer since I was a child. For me, I remember every article or film I've ever seen involving someone with cancer and my fears are perpetuated. It's horrible and I wish I could find a way out of it. I'm being referred for CBT but not convinced it will work as one of my fears is not being fearful (if that makes any sense) because I fear that if I don't assume the worst, then the worst will somehow come true. I don't think low white cell count is anything to worry too much about, it can be the result of a recent infection or something simple. Why did you have the blood test?
As far as feeling this way forever, i have to believe that there will be a solution. I also dont take any medication because i feel like i should be able to get myself out of this pattern of thinking, and that, until now, my episodes of HA have been brief and resolved themselves. But, I worry too that I'm always going to feel like this. My recent bout of HA shows no signs of disappearing and has taken over my life. I google incessantly (which of course I know is unhelpful), I lie awake at night convinced I have cancer. For me it's stomach cancer right now because I had some pains which have now gone. I lost my appetite and can only imagine its due to cancer, rather than the fact that I've been in anxiety hell for 3 weeks. My GP sent me for some blood tests to 'reassure me', but now I'm even more anxious of what they will show. I assume that of course they will reveal something awful. Statistics don't seem to help me: I can read that stomach cancer is rare in young people (I'm 35) and I don't have the symptoms (except loss of appetite), but it doesn't seem to help. I consider myself a rational person in every other area except my health.
I also have the same thoughts as you about being around for my son to get to school, and other milestones and it's almost as if I assume this won't happen and I've got to find a way to make it happen. One of the things that tortures me the most is the thought of not being around for him and i sit there looking at him imagining what we will miss out on rather than enjoying him! It's exhausting and I don't want to pass this anxiety on to him.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I really understand when you say that it's tiring being you!
What's Eye therapy? I might look in to that!

Oscrazymum x

[Annelou]

Hi there

I can totally relate to everything you say, only the types of cancer are different I seem to go from one to another and as soon as I get rid of one symptom another usually more scary one takes over and it's really getting me down currently I'm on a brain tumor. My husband is too v relaxed and laid back but it's a good job really as two of us would be a nightmare, although I think he's getting a bit sick of me. Im really trying to pull myself together for the kids ad I feel I'm missing out on so much but it's so hard the worry kicks in as soon as I wake up. I have started taking some medication so I'm hoping that will help me and I'm being referred for CBH.
I keep saying if I could only know I would be ok till the little one is big enough to not not need me but when would that be? I'm 30 now and still need my mum! I cant bear the thought of not being there for them.

I wish I knew the answer on how to stop worrying about our health so that we could get on with our life and enjoy our family but all I can say is your not alone xxx

[honeyb]

Hi Melon, i dread that feeling of being anxious and wake up most mornings feeling ok for it then to hit me out of the blue. HA is the worst and every slight sensation in your body convinces you that something is dreadfully wrong, over the years i've had, heart failure, heart attacks, cancers of every kind, MS even AIDS. Regarding your blood test, it could just be an infection. Hope you are feeling better soon xx

[Melon1]

Thanks for all your replies.. I spoke to the doc yesterday and he said on the whole my WBC was normal!!! (so why did the receptionist scare me to death and make me worry over the whole of Easter?) Apparently the neurolytes (spelling & wrong word?) were slightly low and that could be due to a recent virus. I have felt very low recently, so that could be it..

I felt good after speaking with him, although my neck and ears still hurt and ache and my throat feels odd. Anxiety is still definitely here to stay for a bit...

OsCrazymum, I completely get where you are coming from when you say you worry about not feeling anxious in case the worst scenario comes true. I am scared to be happy and positive incase this time its for real. I had a blood test because I felt so low and run down, so the doc recommended it. My results came back the next day, so perhaps contact your surgery. I am sure they would have contacted you if they were at all worried. The Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy is based on small eye movements which cause changes in the brain. Apparently they are starting to use it on the NHS. My counsellor thinks that I was traumatised by the births of my children (this is when HA kicked in), so this therapy could help. I have got four weekly sessions. Will let everyone know how I get on. If you google it will explain it more fully.

I just need to get a positive grip on my life and not waste it worrying and feeling so unhappy.

Lots of love X

[honeyb]

Do you know what i've learnt receptionists like to think they are drs. They are terrible for it.

[xvolatileheart]

Hi Everyone

Does anyone else wake up in the morning, feel okay for about 15 minutes, then subconcsiously assess themselves and suddenly feel the wave of anxiety slowly take hold for the day?

It's almost as if my body is in a habit of feeling this way and I am so fed up with feeling like this. It's a real tension in the head filled with worry and dread,.

This latest bout of HA has been going since January and I am sick of it. I have changed from a fun loving girl to an anxious, sad, pessimistic, quiet, unsociable recluse. I feel as if I am no fun to my husband at all anymore. He is really positive and cheery. He knows that I am feeling like this although doesn't understand why. He is very patient with me. Our sex life has bottomed and I have no interest whatsoever.

I could've written this all word for word. The only difference in our stories is that my fear is about my heart. But it's a vicious circle because anxiety causes heart symptoms, so it's just getting worse and worse. I want to feel how I did before all of this. :(

[uma5608]

So I am not alone!!!???

All the above could have been written for me, heart worries at the moment .. new one is a large mole taht has appeared and dr says monitor and come back in a month.. cant stop worrying?!!!

x