GET OVER IT

[sarah]

This is what my beloved understanding husband said to me this morning.
In fact, that wasnt all he said...he also called me lazy, useless and a quitter.
said it was all my fault that he drank too much and that I am making him ill with anger. (2 days ago he gave up drink and warned me he probably wouldnt be as tolerant of me when he was sober - boy was that an understatement of the year!!!)
The 2 girls at his work who have had panic to the point of agoraphobia think im nuts according to him. (lucky for them they were able to get over it so well)
So now im sitting here in floods of tears as you can imagine..im stunned that someone I love so much could be so cruel. I realise I am a burden but he doesnt realise all that I do and if I say ive managed to do things he just says 'theres no need to be so happy about it..thats what I call LIVING!!!'.
When he comes home at night and asks me what ive done during the day I tell him where ive been and that ive done housework etc but its not enough...he just looks at me in disgust like he doesnt realise where his dinner, ironed shirts and polished floors come from.
He left for work and slammed the door shouting on his way just so all the neighbours could hear how crap I am too.
Since then, he's phoned me twice to hurl more abuse.
I dont know what to do now.
My first thought was to go get a job and show him that im not useless but I cant do it...im shaking just looking at the paper.
My second thought was to leave for a few days so I can prove to myself that I can cope on my own but ive nowhere to go and cant get far enough away for how I feel anyway...all I want to do is go to the coast, get myself a bedsit and a summer job and a new life but its not like running away is the answer.
I cant even make the motions of leaving as my clothes are in the washing machine and on the line...sounds daft but it feels like the end of the world for me.
Im alsmost wishing fo my docile heavy drinking husband back. I feel so sick with worry my hands are shaking. Im thinking if I just made the effort and went swimming he would see that i was making an effort to lose weight but im afraid of having and attack in the pool and drowning or having to run out with no clothes on(he likes skinny size 8's and I was never even that when we first met).
Ok now ive got a nose bleed and it wont stop...maybe its because it feels like my brain is about to burst.
i dont know what else to say. I just want to go back to bed but if he pops back home he will go mad.
I dont know what I want you all to say but thanks for listening, i needed to talk to someone...just no one who knows either of us so thanks!!!

love Sarah
:(xx

[pauline]

Oh Sarah

My heart goes out to you, i so know where your coming from as this morning i'm in tears to after being told last night that i'm useless and why do i stay with you when i cannot get into a car and take you out anywhere. He has called me a lonney and a mental case that said if he is so unhappy why does he stay. So i'm sitting here thinking i wish i could just leave as you say go away oh but the thought is so frighting. Sarah don't let him bully you, your not lazy your at home but your working in the house keeping it clean and tidy for him.
dry those eyes after all he has hid behind drink for long enough we all have something you have panic so what. Think postive please don't let him hurt you so much, i know here's me telling you that when i myself is so hurt as well but we try our best and if thats not good enough well they know where the door is. Hugs to you.

Take care
Pauline

[Laurie28]

Oh Sarah,

D you think he is being so cruel because he realizes he may have a bit of a problem with the drink and is using you as an excuse(which is often the case)

Does he want you to say 'Go and have a drink cause I can't handle you like this'

No-one has a right to call you or Pauline useless or lazy,it really peeved me off when people tell you 'to get over it'

Hang in there and don't let his words get to you, if someone tells you something enough you will be inclined to believe it.

I think the lack alcohol may be a big part of this Sarah. You do not have to take this mental abuse in your own home, don't answer the phone to him. It could be that he is having a seriously bad day ( I know it is not an excuse for his behaviour) and he will come home very apologetic
Sorry I can't give a longer reply I will try to later

Take Care

Love
Lucky

[twister]

HI Sarah

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I agree with Lucky it sounds like he is trying to blame you for his own problems but that's still no excuse for him

Have you thought that maybe he holds you back from getting better rather than helps because he calls you useless etc.

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. You can always come and stay with me!

Hope things get better

Lots of love

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

[kate]

Hiya Sarah,

Although we realise that non sufferers do not understand the extent of our suffering,for our loved ones to call us names for it is disgraceful.

You could also have turned round and called him useless for being a heavy drinker!

I agree with Emily, he could well be holding back your recovery process as, in your vulnerable state, you are probably starting to believe his hurtful words.

You aren't useless, lazy or a quitter. Don't believe any of the hurtful names that he calls you.

You are as good, if not better, than him. Don't let yourself be worn down by him. You are a brave person who is trying to overcome a big problem.

We are here for you Sarah, whatever you decide to do.

Take care

Kate x

[Meg]

Dear Sarah,

You've not been having a good time togther recently at all.
It seems that this may have been building up over a while and him not having his crutch of alcohol suddenly has brought his emotions to the surface and he's let rip.
What sparked it all off ?

This does not excuse any of his cruel words this morning and certainly not the phone calls which are even worse a sthey were premeditated.

There are many women who choose to stay home and look after the house and they do a fabulous job. Just because your choice is not made on the same platform it does not detract from all that you do.

You stick to what you need to do to keep your self confidence intact and do not allow hi to rip you to shreds or make snap decisions.

You have a condition thats takes time to recover from and that is exactly what you're doing.

The skinny bit isn't even part of this issue at all. Thats just him scavenging around for more hurtful ammunition.

The 2 girls in his office. .. I know panic and agoraphobia are common - but its unusual to find them like buses !

I hope your nose bleed has stopped now.

This evening will be difficult. Maybe he will have gone for a drink - maybe not.

I'll be thinking of you..


Love

Meg

[sarah]

Hi Guys

Thanks so much for your replies it means a lot to know theres people out there that do care. (youve made me cry again but thats good as I dont do enough of it).

I have a wonderful update for you....NOT
He's just popped home to appologise for being such an a******* this morning and no sooner had he got the appology out of his mouth he started again.

He told me that I stood to loose everything if I didnt buck my ideas up so I told him (no tears - I was strong) that I knew all that and it still didnt make me miraculously cured so what am I supposed to do so he told me he was going to dump me somewhere tonight and let me find my own way home to see if that cured me....WHERE IS HIS BRAIN????????
Oh amd he's going to disable my car so I have no choice but to use public transport (I NEVER used busses etc before this anyway). But I told him if he did it then that would guarantee I never left the house...stupid idiot!!!!!!!

So it ended up with him teling me that I should leave and go to my mums (she lives in a 3 bed house with my dad,sister, sisters hubby and 2 kids...dont really think theres room for me) or he's going to take away the computer and playstation so I dont sit on my "fat lazy arse" all day doing nothing. - so if you dont see me for a while you know ive been sent to sit in the naughty corner and had my toys confiscated.

I think you guys are right, the non drinking has let it all come to a head. But then apparently its my fault he drinks now anyway!

He wants the fun loving Sarah back..but I never was very outgoing in the first place..always been shy in crowds etc.

He then walked out the door with the lasting comment...'thats 2 years progress for you, if you love me you will make the effort' and slammed it on his way out. What sort of effort does he think ive been making anyway.

Weve been together 12 years (since I was 18) and married for nearly 3yrs and now im questioning my whole adult life. Bloody hell as if life isnt complicated enough????????????

God ive just read all that back. I am feeling sorry for myself arent I?

Anyway Ive spent the day furiously decorating the bathroom to give him something to be pleased about so now im off to pour the rest of the paint over the bath and go for a drive!!!!!

thanks guys xxx

love Sarah
xxxx
ps ive changed my idea about my signature message..i truly am turning into a nutcase...lol

pps...Hey Pauline...wanna run away together and leave the idiots to it...lol



we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution

[sal]

Hi Sarah

So much for the apology then starting on you all over again. You are not a nut case at all. I think he is putting immense pressure on you and through this he is making you worse. I think you need to point that out to him. We all need time and space to get over this without other people jumping in giving us threats and ultimatums. We can only go at the pace we feel comfortable with. Remind him you dont feel like this for a laugh!!! Like me i bet wede all give anything to feel well and have never met the horrible Mr. Panic. You hang in there and be strong as you have been with him. Yes he is obviously frustrated probably because he knows that he hasnt been as suppostive as he can be and is taking out on you. Im cant comment how you feel though because whilst ive been ill i have never had a partner long enough for them to be going through this with me, but i do know i would be mortified like you are. Keep positive and we are all here to help you.

P.S. if you run away dont forget me LOL

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

[kate]

Hmmm, certainly knows how to raise your self esteem to aid your recovery, doesn't he??

I feel so angry reading your post. How dare he say he will take away the computer and playstation? Does he think that by these actions, you will somehow become cured overnight?

Don't be beaten down by him, Sarah. You have every right in the world to be treated with respect.

Be strong, Sarah.

Kate x

[Meg]

Dear Sarah,

At least he did get an apology out .......

It does show though that he still loves you- even if its the old Sarah he wants. That's what you're aiming for too.

Men love to provide the solutions (fast) and his innovative (not) curing ideas are all he can come up with. Does show though that he really wants to help but doesn't know how to.

You've every right to be feeling sorry for yourself- he's treated you appallingly and been cruel as well.


How much does he actually understand of how far you've come in this journey and what you are doing to improve...

It is a slow process but you have plenty of examples that do show the progress.

Maybe that sometime during the weekend you manage to have a reasonable conversation where you can both share some time non shouting and try to find a path you can both be comfortable on form teh next few months .

We're here for you.

Sorry its been such a hurtful day .

You are not nuts - to the contrary I think you should be proud of how rational you've been.

Love
Meg