Fed up dealing with my partner's anxiety.

[struggling100]

I’m writing this in the hope that there might be some other people reading who aren’t anxiety sufferers, but who are trying to deal with a partner or spouse with generalized anxiety. I’m going to be brutally honest here about what it’s like to live with someone with an anxiety disorder. It’s frustrating. And it’s unbelievably painful. Not to mention unbearably lonely.

I am struggling to deal with the anxiety suffered by my partner of 3 years. He suffers from GAD, which is generally focused on work issues (he has a very responsible job). However, from time to time, he goes into a more intense, panicky state. When he enters this, he lashes out emotionally and wreaks havoc. The last time it happened was 2 months ago. We don’t really argue, and our household is a happy one. However, after a bad weekend with anxiety, he announced that he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be with me, whether I was the right person for him, whether I was of the right social class to marry him, and whether he could go through with the wedding we’d been planning for the summer. I was hurting like I’ve never hurt before inside, but I calmly told him that we could easily cancel the wedding, and that I would be there for him in whatever capacity he wanted – either as a friend or a girlfriend – to help him while he struggled with this bout of anxiety. I said that he could then decide whether he wanted me in his life as a girlfriend too. (I know many people will assume that because I am a girl, I put him under pressure about the wedding. In actual fact, having a public wedding was very much his idea – I asked him NOT to go for a big public ceremony, because I knew the anxiety might be an issue, and made it clear that a very simple ceremony at the registry office would be just fine with me, if it were easier for him).

Less than a week after this episode, he apologized and said he loved me dearly and wanted to be with me forever, and he has been trying to reassure me that this is true ever since. He’s got medication, and he’s going to counselling – both huge, brave steps. My friends are all saying how wonderful it is that he feels this way. But it’s hard to believe that someone can go through such a radical change of attitude in such a short time, and emotionally devastating to be on the receiving end of their vacillation.

I’ve since been talking to him on a daily basis, trying to listen, trying to understand, trying to be supportive as he goes through counselling, trying to help him with mindfulness training, trying to distract him with nice, relaxing activities after work and at weekends. Yet all the while, I’m heartbroken that this has happened, but I have no-one to express that to, and no-one to talk to about it. All anyone says to you, when I raise the subject, is ‘Oh my God, it must be so hard for your partner to go through this’. When that’s the opening gambit, you can hardly say ‘Yeah, and me too!’. No-one remotely thinks ‘What’s it like for you, as a partner, to have to put aside everything you’ve dreamt of and put someone else first 100% of the time? What does it cost you to sustain calm and unselfishness in these circumstances? What’s it like to have to go through that kind of rejection – and to live with the fear that it will happen again? What’s it like to have your whole life shaped by someone else’s neuroses?’

I feel guilty even just writing this, because a person with anxiety is sick, right? And sick people can’t help being sick, of course no-one would CHOOSE to be this way! But the problem with mental health issues is that they’re a bit different. A person with a broken leg doesn’t take their broken leg and beat you around the head with it. But anxiety can lead someone to attack you personally, and you’re just supposed to take the abuse because, hey, they just can’t help it! And you're a healthy person, right? So you must be able to deal with the fallout, no problem!

It feels like I have no control over my life, no security, no certainty – that the normal things that other couples take for granted just can’t happen. In short, I’m emotionally exhausted by it, and I don’t know where to turn.

[Jamesflames]

It sounds as if you have the patience of a saint.

Are you sure you aren't reading too much into his nasty moment? If it coincided with a bout of severe anxiety he could be venting a whole load of anxious frustration at you. If he apologised properly a little while afterwards then the apology could easily be the more honest of the two incidents.

However, it isn't fair for him to load his issues onto you in this way and you probably ought to let him know that while you are happy to support him with his anxiety, you aren't OK with him lashing out at you.

As a married chap I feel qualified to say that one of the keys to making things work is to discuss how best to put up with your partner's worst bits. This holds true for everyone as it is easy to be happy when everything is peachy, but everyone has bad patches and you need to be able to cope with their bad days.

Good luck with it all. I hope you can resolve this. Try not to get too bogged down in holding onto worries or else you might end up posting as a sufferer next time!

[jimsmrs]

I agree with jamesflames, he shouldn't abuse you. I sympathise with you and I feel empathy with your man, as an anxiety sufferer myself, he probably feels frustrated himself like I did at my worst maybe when he said about calling the wedding off and he said he wasn't sure about you, he was trying to set you free cos he feels as though he's dragging you down. It's a tricky one, but you sound as though you need help and support too, or you'll end up ill yourself. check out what's in your local area.

Don't feel guilty for putting the post on here, that's what it's here for.

take care
and keep posting

[tt2012]

I almost teared up reading this. Not everyone with GAD acts that way. He might have something else as well. I have panic/anxiety disorder but I do not snap or lash out. You mentioned responsible job, his lashing could be due to stress from work and he directs it toward you, which he shouldn't. I commend you for sticking with him! I have a friend who I have deep feelings for but I keep him at a distance due to my anxiety. He doesn't know what I suffer from and I feel embarrassed to tell him. I want to build a relationship with him but I'm not sure if everyone can be patient and as tolerant as you, Struggling100. Basically I'm afraid he'd suffer with me and it's unfair. I give you so much props !

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

I suffer from obsessive thoughts and anxiety, also mixed in with depression and let me tell you the whole time I've been going through this I have felt so guilty, upset and demoralized for what I'm putting my boyfriend through.

He also, like you, has the patience of a saint and has always been there for me no matter what my episode may be. I have horrible thoughts that I MUST have cheated on him at some given point in time when I know full well that I haven't, but my anxiety makes me feel as if I must tell him otherwise bad things will happen. It's absolutely awful what I've put him, my family and my best friend through but what you need to grasp as blunt as this may seem is that we haven't chosen to be this way.

Anxiety, OCD, depression are the route of all doubts. It makes you feel absolutely terrified inside that if you don't follow a specific ritual or confess an imaginary sin or be honest with how you're currently feeling DUE to the anxiety that something really, really bad is going to happen.

I understand your view as a partner however, as I know what my boyfriend is going through and I so desperately want to wake up from this horrific nightmare that I've put everyone through. I said the same to my partner of two years that I don't know if I loved him, thought he was ugly, bad in the sack and also that I don't know if I've loved him the last two years because of how my anxiety made me feel - it absolutely broke his heart but we're getting there.

The only advice that I can give you woman-to-woman is that you loved this man before this started and he loved you exactly the same. You both still love eachother and maybe speaking to him about how upset you were by these comments may clear the air in retrospect.

I really hope you both find a way to get through this and that it all falls together perfectly for you.

All the best. x

[Sparkled]

You're not alone Struggling100 my partner has suffered from panic attacks, anxiety and OCD (I didn't know about the OCD though) for 20 years, but 18 months ago his family basically triggered a huge downward spiral into major depression. They made some very stupid decisions just for their own selfishness and sent him down the big dark hole. The fact that they knew that he wanted nothing to do with their plans and just went against his wishes makes things harder to stomach. He no longer has contact with his family and they don't know what impact their selfishness has done but my god if I see them I feel as though I may kill them for just the hell they have put me through, let alone him.

I fully understand what you mean when you say you feel so lonely. My partner didn't want me to say anything to anyone about this so I've pretty much had to deal with it by myself. I've managed to cut myself off from friends, even online friends that I've had for 5 years because he had an obsession with facebook. I didn't realise it had become an obsession but I knew it made his anxiety rise because that was how he found out what his family had done, so I used to log out. I now realise that was the worst mistake I have ever made but if I had known it was an obsession I'd have just stayed on. I was just worried that he'd think I was talking to online friends about the situation. I felt too guilty to talk to my online friends about it and couldn't face acting as if everything was fine when it so wasn't. So I basically just stopped talking! This time last year I was too scared to go out with my friends just in case I came back to find he'd been self harming or worse still dead, so I managed to cut myself off from pretty much everyone.

In Dec '10 we were arguing constantly and he went out on a bike ride in the snow after one arguement saying he'd be a bit longer than usual. He took the car, which was odd and I knew his phone wasn't charged (even though he said it was). When he still wasn't back 4 hours later I was beside myself with worry, I couldn't stop shaking, I only managed to calm down before picking my son up from school by having a drink. I really truely thought he'd done something. In the end I phoned his friend and thought that maybe I could casually ask him to go and look for him. When I found out he was actually with his friend when I thought he was on his own I actually hated him at that moment for not even thinking that I may be worried sick.

I didn't realise at the time that a medication that he was taking was causing massive mood swings. He was jokingly hitting me with a stick, but gradually it was getting harder as if he wanted to hurt me under the guise of 'joking'. I was telling him it was hurting but he just wasn't listening. His Stepdad was here at the time and told him to stop in the end as he could see it was hurting. On the other hand sometimes he was high as a kite and full of energy, he had to work on New Years Day and I've never seen someone go to work so joyfully!!! His psychiatrist is next to useless and when he said that the medication wasn't helping much, his idea was to double it and add something else and then discharge him. 3 months later he was back to feeling suicidal and rang the CMHT left a message and they didn't call him back. I phoned the next day and still no call back. I phoned his Dr the day after that and tried the CMHT again the woman said 'Oh sorry I didn't check my answerphone'. In July last year his stepdad paid for some private counselling as he wasn't able to go to work anymore, which has helped. His Stepdad paid for 12 sessions and I paid for the rest. Where he hasn't been able to work and therefore we haven't been able to pay the bills I am now in £15k of debt. He has just gone back to work now, which is a huge relief from my constant worrying about money. He was not offered any NHS counselling, had an assessment for CBT, they reffered him to a clinical psychologist. He still hasn't had an appointment 18 months after the initial urgent refferal to the CMHT and finding out that there is only 1 clinical psychologist in the team until June when 2 more will join just makes me cross. We live in a big town and it's a disgrace! It's so frustrating. Especially when the 'consultant' psychiatrist has done exactly what he did last year and doubled his medication, added something else and then discharged him to his GP again without so much as a follow up. It makes me so angry and scared that it's going to go wrong again. He's just started work again so I don't want it to go backwards again.

I just keep my happy smiling face on, pretend everything is ok to everyone. Would never tell my other half how much this has affected me and even as I type now I'm feeling guilty and am in 'In Private' browsing mode. Someone messaged me here after a post I'd made but I felt so guilty for posting that I didn't reply so they must think I'm rude at best. I just felt guilty for talking about it.

Like you my life is centred around my partner (and my kids), I just spend my time trying to keep everyone happy while spending time by myself sometimes simply crying my heart out. I have to say though that I don't cry so much now. There was a point where in school hours I would just cry pretty much everyday. Then happy face at 3pm. Things are improving slowly. I don't really have any advice and sorry for my waffling on but I do understand exactly how you feel. I try to keep in my head that you hurt the ones you love the most. I agree with Jimsmrs when she said that he may be trying to 'set you free' as he feels bad for dragging you into this but I feel that your boyfriend is probably telling the truth when he says that he does want to be with you and loves you. I think you have to try to work out when it's his anxiety talking and when it's not. Easier said then done I know. He's getting help and you sound like you are helping as much as you can. Hang on in there, with help things will improve for both of you and together you'll get through it. It wont seem like it now but things will get better. In the meantime make sure you look after yourself as well and I'm sending you some virtual hugs.

[struggling100]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind replies. They really helped!

I think part of the problem is knowing where to draw the line when it comes to support. Ultimately, we can’t control what happens to us. We can’t control how other people behave, or their emotions. We can only control how we react, and how we handle situations. Realizing this enables me to see how and when I can care… and what I can’t help with.

I do think tt2012 is right - there comes a point where someone’s illness can no longer be an excuse. I don’t think my partner realizes what he’s done, but I believe that with counselling and some more thought, he will start to see. I absolutely don’t want him to feel guilty or to apologize – what use is it to me if he feels even worse? But I do want him to take responsibility for his actions in future. I realize that he may be anxious for a long time, and that is OK, but what isn't fine is for him to take it out on our relationship. If sorting this means undergoing a considerable period of CBT, so be it. Yes, therapy is expensive – but on the other hand, what could be more worthwhile than this? I’d much rather forego my summer holiday and new clothes and have him stable and healthy.

Sparkled- I am really quite worried about you. Your partner sounds incredibly controlling and jealous and a bit attention-seeking also. I’m sure he doesn’t meant to be – but behaviour like running away and worrying you sick is just not fair. However his family have behaved, he is responsible for his reactions, and violence in particular (even in mock-play) is completely unacceptable. It sounds as though you are managing alone, isolated from friends and family, which cannot be easy. The fact that the NHS are not helping you is an additional frustration. I wonder if there is anything you can do yourself to help? For example, is there any way that you can get him to a support group in your area for depression or anxiety or OCD, where he might be able to get some free group therapy? And don’t forget your own needs - it sounds as though you might be a bit co-dependent, always putting others first, and never thinking of yourself (this isn’t a criticism of you, I have tendencies myself that way, and have really benefitted from help).

[Stormsky]

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=114412
read this thread, maybe you can help each other

[Sparkled]

Sparkled- I am really quite worried about you. Your partner sounds incredibly controlling and jealous and a bit attention-seeking also. I’m sure he doesn’t meant to be – but behaviour like running away and worrying you sick is just not fair. However his family have behaved, he is responsible for his reactions, and violence in particular (even in mock-play) is completely unacceptable. It sounds as though you are managing alone, isolated from friends and family, which cannot be easy. The fact that the NHS are not helping you is an additional frustration. I wonder if there is anything you can do yourself to help? For example, is there any way that you can get him to a support group in your area for depression or anxiety or OCD, where he might be able to get some free group therapy? And don’t forget your own needs - it sounds as though you might be a bit co-dependent, always putting others first, and never thinking of yourself (this isn’t a criticism of you, I have tendencies myself that way, and have really benefitted from help).

Hi, I don't think my post came across the way it was intended. I kind of missed the point I was trying to say, lol.

When he asked me not to say anything it was down to embarrassment and I'm not sure he believed for one minute that I wouldn't say anything as I usually talk a lot. I couldn't talk to my best friend in detail because of something that had happened to her but I did skim over it to start with and as time has gone on she knows pretty much everything now, as does my sister, my fil, my mum, and a few others, lol. It basically came to the point where I could no longer deal with it by myself and had become so worried that I was no way going to have any blame put on my shoulders because I didn't say anything. But when I say I haven't been able to talk to anyone I kind of mean in a big long get it all out chat, I've just trickled information where I'm usually a big chat kind of person.


My partner does retreat at any sign of confrontation and to a certain extent always has done but depression made it worse. The things I was describing above (apart from the running away bit) was just unlike him. My own mind went into overdrive about the bike ride, I don't think he even realised what he had done, he was just running away from an arguement. Dec '10 was in my eyes a crisis point. Then it settled for a while until this time last year when it all went downhill again. He didn't know I was too scared to go out, I just said it was because of money. This was only for a short time that I was feeling like that until the crisis seemed to pass and things settled again. Our main problem is that he basically can't talk about his feelings so I used to fill in the blanks usually coming up with the worst case scenario and scaring myself silly.


I have told him my feelings about the bike ride and other things but it took a while and again I have to trickle it to him as he has an awful habit of seeing things as a personal attack, which in all honesty sometimes was/is. I'm not scared anymore and the only time I get stressed now about the situation is when he comes back with more dodgy meds, when what he needs is psychological help rather than medical. Everything to me is now clear as crystal as to whats happened to cause him these problems but that's for him to work out for himself and I wouldn't even bother to suggest the causes to him.
Hindsight and just general investigations made me realise that in Dec '10 his crisis was more a case of Akathisia from the medication. I no longer hide my psychiatric drugs books and will happily sit there reading my psychology books (I've always been very interested in psychology). He is also fully aware that people know about the situation.


I'm more than happy to tell him when he's being a selfish t**t and no longer excuse anything he does to annoy me because he's depressed. When i realised his obsession with facebook I started to leave it open again. He wasn't able to sit here at the pc, just used his laptop but over time I've managed to sneak things in so that he has no choice but to use this pc from time to time (usually because it's something my kids need to do) and I ignore any reasons he may crappilly give as to why he can't use the pc. He'll say something like, 'I'm too busy'. I'll say 'well I'm busier and if you want dinner and our child to stop nagging you, then you'll have to do it'. Unfortunately avoidance is a big compulsion for him, but now I ignore it and he has the choice of either telling me it's a problem for him, or force himself to do it. As he doesn't like talking he usually forces himself, which is a good sign in my eyes. I no longer fill in the gaps, he either tells me or he doesn't.
This sounds random but there's something about putting shoes on our child that he'll avoid. I don't know what it is and I wont ask because then he'll have a reason why he can't do it. I think he thinks, that I think, he's being a lazy git and he'll eventually do it just so I stop moaning that he's a lazy git.


There was a point where I was becoming codependent (thank you for your link) but I managed to step back and realise. I now go out and don't spend my entire time worrying about him, he goes off for a bike ride and it doesn't worry me now, he's riding this eve and I'm having a glass of wine with my friend. My worries now focus on money but I'm sure lots of people are in a similar situation. I've become so good at my happy face that it actually works in that I will start to feel happier if I'm getting bogged down with stuff. My happy face is usually naturally there now anyway, simply because over time things have got a lot better.

I'm sure I've missed my point again, my word do I waffle, lol.
I guess simply put, the person I was living with for a while wasn't the person I was living with before, but now the depression is easing I can see the 'real' him again. It's nice to have him back.

[StephenA.]

I have a question to those of you who are either married or in committed relationships.

I am dating a girl right now, and things could be getting serious soon. Before anything else is said let me say that I love her and she is wonderful and amazing. That being said, she suffers from Anxiety. When i met her she was just fine, then she left on a volunteer service mission that was supposed to last 18 months, but developed this anxiety and needed to come home several months ago. I know full well that its not any one persons fault that she suffers from this monster. She wishes it would just end, more than anything else in the whole world.

I guess my question is, would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person? After reading some of these posts I am slightly more worried about it than I was before. Also, knowing her, she would not WANT to put someone through all these things that everyone had been talking about. On that note though, I care more about her and her needs than my own at this point....which can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to far.....

Anyone who had read this far can clearly see that I have a lot I need to figure out haha. Im guessing you all can sort of see where I am coming from though. Any input would be lovely!