Fed up dealing with my partner's anxiety.

[ankietyjoe]

whether I was of the right social class to marry him

I'll be brutally honest to, I'd leave him just for that.

Unacceptable.

[Fishmanpa]

I have a question to those of you who are either married or in committed relationships.

I am dating a girl right now, and things could be getting serious soon. Before anything else is said let me say that I love her and she is wonderful and amazing. That being said, she suffers from Anxiety. When i met her she was just fine, then she left on a volunteer service mission that was supposed to last 18 months, but developed this anxiety and needed to come home several months ago. I know full well that its not any one persons fault that she suffers from this monster. She wishes it would just end, more than anything else in the whole world.

I guess my question is, would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person? After reading some of these posts I am slightly more worried about it than I was before. Also, knowing her, she would not WANT to put someone through all these things that everyone had been talking about. On that note though, I care more about her and her needs than my own at this point....which can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to far.....

Anyone who had read this far can clearly see that I have a lot I need to figure out haha. Im guessing you all can sort of see where I am coming from though. Any input would be lovely!

The very fact you're posing this question speaks volumes. One can follow their head, their heart, or both and I believe you've already made a decision and are looking for affirmation. How far is "too far"? Remember, "In sickness and in health" is not reserved to the physical. I've learned in life that when something doesn't feel right, there's always a big reason for it. Best wishes on whatever you decide.

Positive thoughts

[Catmandoo]

Hi all, I'm new to the forum but just wanted to post as I have both lived with anxiety myself and am currently living with my partner who has anxiety and depression. It can be very tough, but I agree with what's been said before, there has to be lines of acceptable behaviour and if parters are becomin abusive that is not the typical behaviour of someone with a straightforward anxiety disorder. I bough a great book called the high conflict couple, it's based on dbt principles and is aimed at people with borderline personality features but could apply to lots of relationships and I would really reccomend it. I also decided to get counselling myself to promote my own strength and resilience, since I can't make my partner get help if he is not ready. It is a terrible thing to live with anxiety, and I know how frustrating it can be to love on the outside of it too. We've just got to hang in there for the ones we love, but not forget our own needs in this or we'll be no use to anyone.

Lots of best wishes and thoughts

[Bugloss]

Would you have married or committed like you have if you had known your partner suffered from anxiety, assuming of course that you didn't know before? On the one had, it seems very wrong to say "you know, i love you but you have this problem that I don't want to deal with, so ciao!"......and on the other, when considering marriage, doesn't one need to take into account their own feelings and concerns about committing to the other person?

It's a tough one. I have to admit - guiltily - that I have thought about this from time to time.

If I'd known the extent of my husband's anxiety, the knock-on problems it'd cause him, how stupidly I would respond and the colossal problems that would cause us in turn... I'm not sure I would have gotten into a relationship with him. If I'd known the other massive unrelated problems that were waiting for the two of us as well, then I would almost certainly have said "let's just be friends".

But if I'd done that, I would have missed out on life with someone wonderful. For all the bad times we've been through, we have had many deeply loving and happy times together as well.

If you are still dating this lovely girl, could you talk together about how you will both manage her anxiety going forwards? What you expect from each other, and where your boundaries are? (Woah that sounds formal.)

Reading this thread has paradoxically reminded me that he's not just the sum of his problems: he's a wonderful human being who also happens to have various problems. Like what they say about putting a horse-thief into AA: you'll just get a sober horse-thief. And I can totally sympathise with those who feel guilty posting or are posting in incognito mode - feeling exactly the same!

[AnxietyDJ]

My long-term relationship unfortunately ended largely due to my mental health issues (anxiety / depression etc) and more precisely the fact that I tried to hide them away from my partner which led to a lot of hurt and confusion when I behaved erratically and could go from being the best partner in the world, to incredibly withdrawn and emotionless in ten minutes flat.

I wish I had tried to explain what was going on in my head a lot earlier because it could have possibly saved things... Of course I don't know if it would have for sure, but at least my partner wouldn't have been so convinced that I didn't love them or want to be them any longer and that it was all their fault.

I guess I am just saying that honesty is always the best policy here - firstly from the sufferer and then from their partner... Talk about how you feel as much as you can, whether it is positive or negative... It's a two way street and as people have already said, you're with each other through the good times and the bad. The most important thing to remember if you are the partner of a sufferer is that the negative symptoms are in no way your fault and that they will always pass after a time... That said, I know it must be a strain on the relationship and I can only say that you must be wonderful people to go through this with us

[swgrl09]

The very fact you're posing this question speaks volumes. One can follow their head, their heart, or both and I believe you've already made a decision and are looking for affirmation. How far is "too far"? Remember, "In sickness and in health" is not reserved to the physical. I've learned in life that when something doesn't feel right, there's always a big reason for it. Best wishes on whatever you decide.

Positive thoughts

^^^This is so true. As is the need for honesty, like Anxiety DJ. My husband doesn't have anxiety but when I feel guilty for what I am doing/how I am acting, he reminds me that there will be a day where he needs my help too and that's just how a relationship is. You support each other during your times of need.

To the Original poster, you sound like a wonderful and patient person. All the responses above say what I would say, so I won't rehash. Just wanted to thank you for being so patient and understanding about this stuff.

[AnxietyDJ]

My husband doesn't have anxiety but when I feel guilty for what I am doing/how I am acting, he reminds me that there will be a day where he needs my help too and that's just how a relationship is. You support each other during your times of need.

That made me tear up a little How wonderful people can be sometimes

[havana]

My boyfriend also deals with gad. I love him and he loves me a lot. Sometimes he panics that I don't love him, but he has never doubted his love for me. I have a feeling, that your fiance is actually very unsure about his love for you and your relationship. My boyfriend has gone through some intense panic attacks where he has questioned everything in his life, except my presence in it. Sorry to break that news to you. :(

My boyfriend is unable to complete school, or hold a job, he can't drive either. He didn't even complete high school despite having a genius IQ. He has sifted through many university programs, (5 or 6?) and has never finished one of them. He finally reached his student loan cap, and was unable to finish his last program because of lack of funds. Honestly though, I'm not even sure if he would have finished it regardless. He is 60k in debt yet he has absolutely nothing to show for it. He wants to change, and so far in our relationship he has sold me on the dream that he will. Alas we have been dating 2 years, and he is on his third "career move." I want to be there for him, but my patience is wearing thin. I don't think he has the ability to.

I get lonely, because he never wants to leave the house. I always have to go visit him, or do things with my family/friends alone because he doesn't want to or because he is feeling too anxious. I love him, but I also want an equal partner who will contribute as much to the household as I do. It wouldn't be so bad if he was at least a decent housekeeper. In the last 2 years I think he may have done 2 loads of dishes, while I have done the rest and we don't even live together. I stopped enabling him, and all that happens is dishes pile up until until they are under the table and get moldy. When I ask him what he does all day, he gets offended. When I tell him he should do his dishes because it's disgusting he calls me "Nagatha Christie." He eventually put dishes in the spare room, and left them there for 6 months, before I charged him money for doing them. He tells me things would be different if he had a dishwasher. But the rest of his house is not that clean either. I did all his dishes in late November, and they have piled up since then (to be fair he was not home for 2 weeks in December.)

I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way but I feel terrible because I know it isn't his fault. At the beginning of the relationship I told him to go see another doctor, because this one is not doing anything for him. He told me he would, and so far nothing. He went to see a psychologist from my prodding and he missed an appointment, and never went back. When I ask him about it, he says he would if I went with him to the doctor/psychologist because he is too anxious to do it. I would do this, but he doesn't make appointments, and I have my own life to worry about too and I can't baby him. I am pretty sure I suffer from my own anxiety disorders, but I have learned to deal with it to the best of my ability. A part of me feels like if I can do it, so can he so it is especially frustrating to me. If I brought this up to him though he would say I had better supports which I have from the outside on the inside though our supports look very much the same as we both have 2 sets of parents who don't understand, and just pressure us to do well. I have had much more financial support than he has though. I told him, that I would marry him if he got his shit together, by getting a job and cleaning his house and getting his license. So far nothing has happened but he's been trying or so he tells me. He called me all proud one day because he cleaned his bathroom which was disgusting to the point where I was worried I was going to get a UTI just from using it. When I got there, all that had happened was he cleaned his counter top not even his sink. When I mentioned, that the bathrooom still wasn't really very clean, he said he got busy and forgot about it. At first it was his brother's fault, but when his brother moved out, nothing changed. When he told me he cleaned the living room he told me that all of it was his roommate's stuff. I find it hard to believe because his roommate is pretty confined to one corner of the living room. When we first started dating he told me about one of his exe's who never cleaned up after herself when they lived together. I believed him at first, but now I'm not so sure. After living with him it seems that everyone seems to give up on cleanliness. I don't know how long to give this relationship or how many chances to give him because it because there is always something on the horizon which somehow doesn't seem to work out for one reason or another. Now he wants to be an electrician, and he wants to go for a pre apprenticeship training program. Neither of us could find the start dates and they didn't answer his calls. I just love him so much that I do want to spend my life with him which when I write it all down I honestly wonder why. Love is blind. He is like the sweetest, most caring boyfriend ever, and he would be perfect if he didn't have this thing. Living with someone with gad is ****ing hard. Anytime I bring up any concerns, I get a lecture of how he is trying to change, and it's rude to bring up the past when someone is trying to change. Then he goes on about my own failures which are that I took 2 extra years to finish my schooling because of 2 learning disabilities. I had also quit university previously after only finishing 2 years.

[seekerof]

Hi to all, first and foremost i must say that english is not my first language so bare with me for a second or too while im typing.
Second, Thanks to all, reading you guys has been a great help, scary sometimes but great, while i was reading i can basically say that i had tears on my eyes a couple of times. You are all very very strong people just by coming here, and reading, and more to post and expose your life and experiences.

My situation is a little bit simple and complex, honestly i dont know where to begin, so i would do my best. But i want to say that i really love my girlfriend, and im fully committed, i assume that i need a couple of .. advices or just a "keep it going" kinda of encouragement.

My girlfriend and I we live abroad in my home country, she is from the US and move with me 8/9 months after we actually met, she wanted to go freelance and work on her own, and i was more able to sustain and support that from my home country than abroad. At the beggining of the relationship i lived in her hometown with her for about 6 months and everything was sort of calm, some anxiety problems here and there mixed with guilt and a particular and eventual moments of "feeling fat" nothing abnormal, with the exception of a couple of times where panic attack her here and there.

The problems started when she came to my country, i basically change most of my life, apartment, jobs and everything to be more with her, ( i also work freelance so im at home a lot of the time now), so the main idea was for her to have the time to do everything she needed, like paint, take pictures, write more creative. And she did the jump, changing everything in her life and losing completely control over that. which i admire, and i love.

But that was't enough for her , and a week into living abroad, she basically start to be extremely angry, feelings of loneliness, doubt, fear or more, panic. about everything. At the beginning, i though that was just a Cope mechanism, and little bit of guilt and maybe dont know what to do with her free time. But the more success i got (even on stressful situation, fighting almost every day, nast fights that at the beginning was her yelling and even cursing me a lot) the worst the situation was.
The feelings of loneliness deepen her, and i was forced to basically be around almost all the time.
Deeper in the relationship a year abroad or so, and thing got even more nasty, everything was a topic of fight, even the little of things, the loneliness was worst, the inhability to make friends, to go to groups, to even eat, or sleep, to take water when running around, everything became my fault, if i didt take the step to do anything, i was to blame, to yell at, the comparison with old relationships, etc.

Then the trheats of suicide start to appear, the undone feeling, the regrets, the guilt for behaving like that, that, as we all know here, only leads to more fear and anxiety.

I will admit, im not saint, i snap a few times and even more, impossible to reason or logic, and i still do, and things got worst and worst as more tired i felt and i still am. Even Afraid. but my own weakness seems to feed her own panic and anxiety, and with that anger.

I must say that the situation is still undergoing, only a couple of months ago she started her therapy, cognitive one and was not until a month ago until the therapist recommended psychiatric treatment for her anxiety, which until this point she did't started, of course blaming me of that.

Thins are "going" a few weeks at a time, we have a very very rough week, things like "im feeling useless that im not able to organize your birthday..." to moments later "... F$#@ you you betrayed me, im alone, im better dead, no one care for me".
Many times bunches of nasty very nasty messages, phone calls, and insults fly by without any reason.

I'm saying guys that im reaching that point, of fear, of exhaustion, i love her more than anything in this world, but, i dont know if i can continue like this, walking on eggshells not knowing when or what to say for not "waking up that horrible side of her".

I started to seek help on my own few months ago, trying to create coping mechanism against this monster , because i will say it again, i can't be "cool" every time every day every moment... and im not, i have my own issues, that i dealt, but i never snap at her without reason (and the times i did i just needed a "calm down" and im done). Just recently i started to see this as what really is, this disease that spread out, i talk with her therapist a couple of times, trying to tell him the things that i knew that she never would tell (out of shame) like the suicide threats or the violence, the nasty explosions, etc.

We started to work kinda together her therapist and I, trying to fist secure myself, then secure her, and then only then, make a plan to treat this disease.

Reading you guys, has been a great eye opener experience, and give me hope, to at least continue ti this path.

I'm sorry to be so lengthy email, and i know that im only scratching the surface of what's really happening on my day to day life.

thanks a lot!

[Reservoir Dog]

I too married a girl with anxiety disorder. It is hard very hard to live with this. When she was on her medication she was bearable. Off her medication she was unbearable. She has been off her medication for two years now. Her being off her medication makes you do crazy things to not feel so lonely and alone. She would lash out at me too and if I ever raised my voice she would accuse me of yelling. My sons would always laugh when Mom would say to me stop yelling. They would joke that Mom yells at you dad but when you speak to her she accuses you of yelling at her. All of our friends could not have good looking wives. She controlled everything. Now it made me search out others online that I should not have searched out. I went underground and started emotional relationships with other girls so I would lose my feelings of loneliness. My advice and this may sound harsh is if you can get out and it is not too late get out. An anxiety disorder crushes a marriage and any type of relationship. It makes you do crazy things. Immoral things that you never thought possible. My marriage is basically ending on this awful note where it is now all my fault because I was the one who had the emotional affair with someone else. No one understands what it is like. You feel so alone. Sorry if this is not the advice you want but it is true from my experience.