Fed up dealing with my partner's anxiety.

[swgrl09]

Every relationship is different, as is every person's specific anxiety or other mental health issue. I am sorry that your relationship was so difficult, I won't argue about that. You are the expert on what you can handle in your life and what you cannot. I will, however, testify that there are a lot of people on here who are living proof that anxiety does not always ruin relationships. What ruins relationships is not being able to compromise or communicate our feelings and needs to each other.

[Gz0rg]

It's is striking to note that in the original message, the public wedding was the idea as the sufferer, and he wanted to maintain it although the spouse had advised against it.
I do believe that going for a public wedding was dreadful for the sufferer. At the same time, it was a challenge because he would like to things as other people do. He may not understand weddings at all, and wonder every day why people do that and go through tons of existential doubt, but the sufferer just has no clues about what he should do.
What is sad is that I don't see right issues. Advising against it will bring him more doubts, because he will believe that he's being told this simply because he's not right. Being supportive to the end will be painful too. In then end, whatever the issue is, everybody will be tired.
This is my interpretation of it. People with anxiety are clueless and always feel like simulating themselves and hiding their true feelings because they are scared and believes that most people around them can't understand anyway. They want to act perfectly according to some idealized model.
I'm generalizing from myself here of course, but sometimes I don't do things because I really want to do them, I do them because I feel that not doing them will be worse.

[worriedgirl99]

Hi all. I have recently just joined the forum as having some serious issues with my partner or two and half years. Reading these posts has already offered me some comfort that i'm not the only one.

I am 30 and my partner is 45. He has been a good friend of our family for over 20 years, and is a very likable person, and a good friend to so many people. He has never married or had children, or before me been in a long term relationship. This is partly due to his anxiety, but also not finding the right person. I knew his background before we got together and went in with my eyes wide open, but over time i'm struggling to help him and the situation is getting bad between us.

He has no problem going out meeting people, or social events, has many close friends, but prefers to spend time on his own. He worries a lot about work and money (although has no money issues at all) it's still something he constantly stresses about. He paid off his mortgage and earns a very good salary but still worries about it all the time.

When we got together he was honest about his issues, how he likes to spend time alone, cannot sleep in same bed as someone, finds it hard to eat in front of people. I was honest too and said after a failing relationship a few years before i fell into depression and was on 20mg of citalopram tablets (although starting to reduce them at this point). We promised to help one another.

After a year we discussed moving in. He had never lived with a partner before as no relationship had ever got that far, but we decided perhaps it would help and he could adjust more to his issues. I moved into his house which he has lived in for 18 years. We decided to see how it went, and then if ok move to our own place, as after 18 years a fresh new place for him sounds like a good idea.

It's 18 months later and we haven't moved. Some days he wants to, other days he changes his mind and wants to stay in his house. We have always slept in separate rooms. Ocassionaly he will stay in with me but he stresses he wont be able to sleep and inevitably doesnt sleep and then wont do it again for a few weeks. Due to different work hours i have adjusted to this and it isn't a massive deal breaker, but it's his behaviour the rest of the time that worries me.

Our normal routine is him watching his sport on his own while i eat my dinner upstairs (as only one downstairs reception area) we struggle to sit and eat together or watch TV together as his anxiety gets the better of him and he has to walk out as he can hear me chewing or breathing. If i come home from work (even though he's expecting me) he has to go upstairs for 10 minutes to calm himself before coming down to say hello. After 10 minutes he is absolutely fine but it's never gone away, it happens every time. I try to be so supportive, accept it and tell him it's ok, but he knows i'm sad and therefore he stresses even more. We had talked marriage and children, but because of how things are he thinks it's not a good idea understandably.

He's a lovely man, but with some serious issues, and he thinks i'm very caring which in turn makes him feels worse about how he is. I love him so very much and want to help and support him but i feel it will always be like this, and i am not selfish in anyway but im beginning to wonder if staying with him is right for either of us. He always said he expected to always be alone, and is actually happy alone. But then he fell for me but realises it's not an ideal situation.

We've discussed me moving out for a while to see if some space will help, but i worry it will be the end. I want to do the right thing but i have no idea what that is. I'm almost 31, and i want my future with this man, but if it's not going to happen do i cut my losses or stick with it. I don't want him to end up alone which will probably happen if i go.

Any advice is very much appreciated. I don't want to lose him

[e217]

My partner suffers from panic disorder, generalized anxiety, and a few other health issues that make each day a battle. I've been with him for almost two years and in that time we've been very honest and understanding with each other.

I myself am a constant worrier and suffer from slight anxiety. And his condition seems to make my anxiety worse at times.

I love him very much, we have the most caring, healthy relationship, and I can' t imagine my life without him. That being said, I'm scared and constantly worry about our future.

I don't know how to support him, and I feel so completely helpless and alone. I know that his condition isn't what makes him him, but sometimes I have selfish thoughts and wonder if this is something I want to live with for the rest of my life. Often he misses a lot of work, and thankfully he has a very understanding boss. But I worry, if we get married and have children, will we have financial stability, and will that burden fall upon me.

We don't go out a lot, or often leave early from things because he can't handle it. There are good moments and bad moments, and lately I find myself leaving him at home, venturing off to do things by myself, or finding someone else who can come with me.

I think about everything and realize, that if this is the life I ultimately choose, there are many things I will have to do by myself, because he is unable to share those experiences with me. It's not my ideal situation, because ultimately I would have wanted my partner by my side sharing in those experiences.

I dream that one day things will be okay, and he will be able to be that person holding my hand. But I also realize that may not be a realistic wish. So I'm left to really contemplate, do I stand by the person I love for better or worse, or do I walk away from someone who I don't want to live without, all because there are a lot of uncertainties and so many challenges ahead of us.

[ricardo]

This is such a great thread and speaking as someone who has suffered with GAD and agroaphobia for 33 years it is no doubt a strain on my relationship with my wife as it would be with most.

Occasionally we have a row and I get "who else would have stood by you for so long" and I sometimes reply "that it was your choice, so don't always keep bringing it up".

I am lucky that I adapted my own business to my illness and want for nothing and everything goes to the family.

My kids have never seen a normal relationship where we do things together and the same applies in the last 20 years as my anxiety has got worse,to my wife and I doing things together.

My wife is the kindest person in the world,to the extent that others take advantage of her like, "can you take my dog for a walk today" and then this continues for MONTHS, i GO MAD AND SHE SAYS NOTHING.Naturally she is a dog lover and she spends 4 to 5 hours a day walking the dogs ,split up into three different times, to give herself space and clear her mind, and I accept that, however I really think that even she (let alone the doctors) understands the torment I go through on a daily and often nightly basis, and it isn't much fun for her.

.My quality of life is practically zero and I don't see it getting better and the recent heart attack was the last straw.

To be honest it's a miracle we have stayed together and it has had an impact on our grown up kids.

I didn't wish this illness on myself, none of us did, but it is bloody hard sometimes.

[Davit]

e217

Anxiety has ruined every relationship for me. Mine, not theirs. Your fears are not yours alone. So here I am free at last and old age has caught up. What I could not do mentally I can not do physically now.
I did try to do the things my partners wanted and felt good when I succeeded, but anxiety being what it is it was not enough. As I sit here I think how different life would have been if I had of had this freedom forty years ago. What I could have been. So I spend my down time trying to give people the freedom I have now so they don't waste forty years. Sometimes I'm even successful. You can not cure someone else's anxiety, they have to do that themselves but you can share information that leads to it.

[jake1234]

Good thread.

I definitely sympathize with my wife - this is hard seeing someone go through this. I try as much as I can to get thru it myself without having to burden her. Due to my recent setback, we haven't gone out much. Past years had us going to the beach, renting a house for the week, going to Disney, family weddings across the US - all driving, of course, no way I'm getting on a plane. But recently, I've had no want to go anywhere or do anything. Have we gone out? Yes - but its been strained. There were a few get togethers where I had to literally drag her away from (she's uber social, whereas I'd rather sit home anyway) - most of the time I'd put up with it, but since my latest setback I've had to put the brakes on a lot of events, or just let her go with the kids. It sucks that I've ruined a couple of them - we went to a ball game not too long ago and all I wanted to do is leave because I felt so awful there. I tried to hide it, but they know. I've said, once I'm through this setback, I will take her on a cruise, she definitely deserves it.

Last night was a horrid example of me climbing into bed shaking like I was having a seizure and waking her up. Then I fell asleep and she got mad I woke her up.

But at the same time, I get mad at HER because there have been SO many times she's had a physical disability hinder things - she has had numerous back and neck issues and she has missed so many work days (she receives no sick leave), and she's walked out of two high paying jobs because she didn't like her boss. This puts an additional strain on our already tight budget, yet I support her 100%.

Hopefully we come out the other side of this. We've been together nearly 30 years.

[ricardo]

I commend you jake for posting.

I always think rightly or wrongly, that it is more difficult for a man than a woman to openly express their feelings.

[e217]

I guess a good question that I forgot to clarify in my thought was..

How can I better support him? And for those of you who are married/been in a long term relationship, how have you been able to overcome the challenges and ensure it doesn't become a big issue?

[jake1234]

e217 - In my case, I'm the sufferer. If you go read my post, you'll see where this can be a burden to my wife.

The best thing *I* can do is try not to lean on her too much. I know that you should support your spouse no matter what, but this anxiety/depression crap can really test a relationship. I have medication I take if needed as well as a great support system of brothers, sisters, and a psychologist, as well as the internets. She's seen me at my best and at my worst. I try not to let the worst come out in full view of her - sometimes it does, but most of the time I can control it.

Best thing you can do is understand that he's going through something that is rough but treatable, as it would be for anything physical. You can support him by maybe going to therapy with him, helping him if he has any kind of homework the therapist wants him to do, and continue hanging around here asking questions.