What's going on?

[Fedex]

Ok so I'm 19 male and have had depression and anxiety for 6 months! During that time I have had unwanted gay thoughts! With mess and cbt I have come along way and I'm getting much better!
This has been hard because i have had a gf for 1 yr and with these thoughts it's been hard!
My problem now is my fear that I don't love my gf now! When she is away from me I can't picture or remember her! My moods ok but I find it hard to remember her! This is distressing and I want to feel ok!
I wonder what I meant to feel for my gf and whether it's natural!
Am I falling out of love or is it anxiety? Help I wanna be normal!
I look at pics of gf but now I feel nothing! I feel flat and empty when I think of her! What's going on? Reply ASAP!

[Pipkin]

Hi there,

I can see you're desperate for an answer as you've posted this before. I'm not sure there is an easy answer - only you can decide what you feel for your girlfriend and I know it can be really difficult to decide what we want sometimes.

My advice would be to take things slowly and give yourself the space to see things more clearly. You're only young and there's absolutely no need to put so much pressure on yourself. Take one day at a time and see how you feel.

What you ultimately need to find out is if your feelings are 'unwanted' because you're not gay but you keep getting intrusive thoughts or whether, deep down, there is part of you that is gay or bisexual. Either way, there's really no problem. It's who you are that's important.

Sexuality can be a huge burden for someone of any age and some people don't face up to the difficult questions like you are until they're much older. You've identified what's causing you anxiety and are trying to get answers so well done. I'm speaking from personal experience here so I do understand.

As I said, take your time and the real you will make itself known. If you need some specialist help with this, you could contact someone like Stonewall who are very experienced in this area.

Take care

Pip x

[Beckybooboo]

Goodmorning,

Wow - someone who feels exactly the same way that I do and is the same age!

My name is Becky, I'm 19 and I suffer from anxiety, depression and obsessive thougths. My obsessive thoughts all started back in January of this year when I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd flirted with someone else a couple of years ago and he accused me of cheating on him. I said no I hadn't cheated, because I haven't, and then the need for reassurance kicked in.

I began to contact every male that I'd ever spoken too in the past because of my anxiety and my constant need to prove to my boyfriend that I hadn't done anything wrong - at one point, I even confessed to my boyfriend an "imaginary sin" that I had done these things because the anxiety became so strong, I was even going to take a lie detector test to get my reassurance which would have costed me around £500!

I then began to have hallucinations that things had happened when they hadn't. Once, when I was changing his infant niece I had a thought that I'd molested her and that afterwards I'd wandered off to kill myself. This thought absolutely horrified me and I confided in my boyfriend about it and was almost CERTAIN that this had happened, it was traumatic, it lasted for around 2 months with this constant thought and now finally I realized that I have never and would never do such a thing...

The thing with your girlfriend that you're going through at the moment, I'm currently there so I can totally 100% relate. Not with the HOCD thoughts but the doubts that you love and care for her the way that you should be. Now, let me tell you, these thoughts aren't fact and you need to separate reality from the thoughts.

I have a really useful tactic which has worked wonders for me before, sit down and write a list of all of the things that you like/love about your girlfriend and how they make you feel. Keep it on you so that whenever you have these doubts, you know that they're fiction and not fact. Also, get an old jam jar, fill it with glitter and water and shake the jar until all of the glitter mixes in with the water, as the glitter sets, think of a TRUE happy memory that has made you smile.

I do think with everything that's going on at the moment you're probably thinking that the easiest thing to do is to run away, it's not, it's to find yourself again and you will. Just remember, it'll take some time and if you loved her before you'll love her after.

Take care, all the best. Becky.
x

[Fedex]

Thanks becky!
Can it feel real? Can I actually feel like you don't love your gf anymore?

[Beckybooboo]

It can do - it's awful because you know in your heart that you do but your mind is telling you something completely different! It's a really bad state of mind to be in.. but you can't help being in that state of mind because of your obsessive worry and doubts.

Does your girlfriend know how you're feeling and what you think?

[Pipkin]

Hi Fedex,

Becky may well be right and, to be honest, it's something I don't know a great deal about. I know you won't want to think about it but try to make sure you're not avoiding an issue that you will have to confront at some point. Keep an open mind and eventually, the path will become much clearer for you.

As I said before, just take your time and try not to pressurise yourself.

Take care

Pip

[Beckybooboo]

I also find this that may help you a little. It seems rather interesting -

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/article...e_thoughts.htm

Take care,
Becky