I’m 17 years old female and my intrusive thoughts started around 4 weeks ago. I have being watching a scary crime drama that had a lot of raping’s, pedapholies, murders, etc. one night after I being watching it for a while, I got really scared. I thought about all the bad people in the world, how they could people kill other people, rape them and I sort of had a panic attack.
It got better after two days and it felt like everything was back to normal. Then I started getting sexual intrusive thoughts about my father. MY FATHER?! This carried on for days, so I went on the internet to find out what was going on with me. I came across someone who said they have sexual intrusive thoughts about children, that started thoughts in my head and remembered bits and bobs from the show esp. about the peoodaphiles and then I started having intrusive thoughts about children. I have being an insomniac for the last year or so (about 6 hours sleep most nights) but at this point I couldn’t go to sleep, I will spend the whole night panicking and feeling guilty and ashamed. Right now I’m at the point where all I have to do is look at a person and I can get bad sexual unwanted thoughts about them. It can be any one from my family to a stranger. Young or old.
I mostly get unwanted thoughts about my father, which freaks me out. My dad is the kindest and most amazing dad ever. I don’t want to think about my father like that. Sometimes I could be thinking about a guy in my class and then my dad’s face comes into my head.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel like my whole life is falling apart and if my religion wasn’t against suicide (and if it wasnt for my family too), I would have committed it already. I’m 17 I have my whole life ahead of me, I want to achieve so much and make my family proud. But I feel like these thoughts are stopping me from doing anything. So I spend my days feeling guilty, ashamed, anxious, tired, depressed and like I’m going to cry any minute. I’m scared I won’t be able to have children in the future and say my siblings have children I might unwanted thoughts about them. What if I can’t have a healthy relationship with someone I like if I meet them?
I can forget about it for 5 min and then my mind would be like “oh wow you haven’t thought it for 5 min” and then of course I will start thinking about it. I try my hardest to not have these thought about people esp. my family but it just has the opposite effect.
I’m I going to have these forever? Is there hope for me to have a normal life? I’m I a disgusting bad person?