Hi All,

I haven’t posted on here in a while because I’ve been doing a lot better recently. I started off having palpitations years ago but have finally begun to get around to accepting and ignoring these annoying flutters and skipped beats as nothing more than an irrelevant nuisance.

However, my general anxiety levels since I began to get the skipped beats has gone up a lot and this was becoming harmful. I began to get headaches about 2 years ago. Thoughts turned to a tumour. This was unfounded and the headaches went away.

Similar situation with my stomach. Acid reflux, IBS, feeling sick a lot of the time. Thoughts turned to the big C. Again, unfounded and gradually went away.

The palpitations have remained fairly steady throughout, but my attitude towards them has changed, and this year I finally felt I had turned a corner with my anxiety.

How wrong this proved to be. It seems in life that whenever you feel you are getting somewhere, life throws you a curve ball. Shoots you in the foot. Tries to unravel all of your hard work.

And so it proved this time around. I know many on here are like me and I hope that I don’t set anyone back with this story. If you have the self-control, please don’t read on if you think you may be affected. But I need to share this with someone because it’s eating me alive.

A guy I met, just once at a pool night, had throat cancer. He was only around 20 years old at the time, seemed like a nice bloke, normal guy, smiley, good looking. I felt terrible for him but heard nothing much else about it. That was about three years ago.

My girlfriend came home from work on Monday and said that he had been moved into a hospice because it spread to his brain.

Now I don’t really know the guy, but he’s younger than me, hopes, dreams, aspirations, cruelly taken away. I wind myself up inside. Why wasn’t it me? What if I’m next? How must it feel? What is he doing right now? How is he feeling? How would I cope?

I obsess about it and wind myself up and tie myself up in knots, I get upset and angry and I end up scared. Completely scared about how I’m going to handle the future. The risks in life. The possibility that it could be me. I’m scared of dying, there’s so much I want to do. But in doing so, I’m not living the life I’m trying so hard to protect.

I can’t get it out of my head.

I was doing so well, and this week I feel like I’ve hit the bottom. I’m lower now than I’ve ever been. It’s hard, going from the highest point for four years since my health anxiety problems started, to the lowest point since I first started getting palpitations and thought I wasn’t for this world for very long.

I figure I need proper help to get out of it this time. But I can’t find any therapists who I really trust. All these private websites preach big things and probably achieve little. I don’t know what to be looking for in terms of qualifications/credentials. Testimonials could be made up. I’m untrusting because I don’t want to risk spending big money on a cowboy therapist.

On the other hand, the NHS waiting list is ridiculously long and I don’t feel I can stand this for another six months until I can see a therapist.

Does anyone know who I can see? Are there any specialists out there? Any personal recommendations?

Thanks all, and sorry if I’ve set anyone back with this post. I can’t deal with it on my own though.