Emetophobia - dreams??

[Angelai]

Emets, a question -

I have been an emet for over 30 years. Over the last couple of months I have had a few dreams where I am s***. The wierd thing is, in my dream it's a normal thing to do and I am completely fine with it (even if there is only a tiny bit, sorry if too graphic). I mean REALLY it's absolutely ok and normal, and not scary, it's just like, I don't know, sneezing or something - minor, hardly noticeable, no panic or fear or shame or worry. It happens, it causes no feeling in me. I'm beginning to wonder if this is some part of me trying to show the rest of me that I really don't need to be so scared, if that makes sense? Like, maybe, I am finally making some progress?

I wondered if anyone else dreams about it (I mean in this non-scary, totally non-phobic way)?

Believe that my emetophobia is extreme, like so many others on here - severe, life-altering hell.

[Starmist]

Hi Angelai,
I suffer from ematophobia which has made me agoraphobic. However, I have never dreamt about it. My fear is mainly me being s*** or other people near me. I dislike it when I see it being acted on the tv as I know it's not real...if that makes sense?

I sometimes wish I could analyse what we dream as my other half has some right random ones. Maybe deep down in your concious you are beginning to accept it as 'normal'? How did you feel/do you feel when you think about the dream? Does it upset you or does it still feel 'normal' like your dream?

[Angelai]

Thanks for your reply, I'm sorry you have to suffer too.

Well, when I think about the dream, I still get panicky - I worry now that I will wake up to find that I have actually been s***!

Last night my husband had a ready meal curry (I DON'T cook, there is just too little food that I am prepared to eat - I'm sure you know what I mean...) and afterwards he was holding his tummy, saying he'd eaten too much. So, the panic starts, the questions, do you feel ok? was the curry ok? are you going to be s***??? I mention this because I had another dream last night - my hubby and I went to a friends house and she was being really ill in the toilet, when we got outside I was in a right state and kept going on about how I had eaten in her house and she had a bug :-( This is the first 'bad' s*** dream I can remember having - it's obviously really big in my head at the moment.

I don't know, maybe it is a good sign, in that my subconcious is starting to reveal itself to me... but as to your question, I feel panicky and scared when I think about the dreams, I can't see it as normal like I did in the dream.

[Lousicle]

Emets, a question -

I have been an emet for over 30 years. Over the last couple of months I have had a few dreams where I am s***. The wierd thing is, in my dream it's a normal thing to do and I am completely fine with it (even if there is only a tiny bit, sorry if too graphic). I mean REALLY it's absolutely ok and normal, and not scary, it's just like, I don't know, sneezing or something - minor, hardly noticeable, no panic or fear or shame or worry. It happens, it causes no feeling in me. I'm beginning to wonder if this is some part of me trying to show the rest of me that I really don't need to be so scared, if that makes sense? Like, maybe, I am finally making some progress?

I wondered if anyone else dreams about it (I mean in this non-scary, totally non-phobic way)?

Believe that my emetophobia is extreme, like so many others on here - severe, life-altering hell.

I've had the v* dreams , mine are the same , sometimes in my dreams I have wanted to be sick , and made myself although whe I get to the bathroom it won't happen & nothing will come out , it feels like its stuck.
I've woke up panicking about it , but I calm down as soon as I realise I don't feel sick.

It's strange. Hope you're making a recovery I know how awful this phobia is

[Angelai]

Thanks Louisicle, sorry you're emet too

I've let myself get upset by these dreams because I just don't understand how my mind can let it be ok when I'm asleep but not when I'm awake? I mean, how many times can I scream at myself that I'm ready - ready to see and feel whatever it is that made me emet? I get that it's probably something to do with a dream being a 'safe' place to explore my fears, but I need to get over them now. Stop with the imagery and hints and gently gently approach, show me what the hell the problem is so that I can deal with it.

Sorry, this wasn't meant to turn in to a rant! I should maybe explain - a couple of years ago I did a course of analytical hypnosis for emetophobia. I won't explain the whole thing, but I will just try to summarise: the idea was that something happened when I was a child that, at the time, was very traumatic. It may have been something I would consider trivial/minor now, as an adult, but the child-me found it traumatic. It quite possibly had nothing to do with v****. Whatever it was, it was too traumatic for child-me to deal with so I blocked it out. In order to deal with my emetophobia, I need to remember and deal with this traumatic event. So, I am sooooo ready to remember and deal! My therapist said it wouldn't be a light-bulb moment, more like an archealogical dig where little fragments would be revealed over time and eventually I might have some semblance of a piece of pottery. I found no shards or slivers during the therapy and I haven't since.

Sorry to go on, and thank you for your reply x

[Lousicle]

Oh dear :( you are frustrated right now aren't you.
Being emet I can completely understand & empathise with you as I know how bad this phobia is & how much it can destroy your life!
Let me give u a little background about my phobia.
I still dont know to this day where it came from , all the books , websites & counsellors all say the same - it began in childhood.
& I can completely see why they think that because I can remember (only vaguely though) 1 of the first times I got sick in the middle of the night through a bug or something , & it was nothing , I sat on the loo (so sorry about this TMI!!) holding a bowl with it coming out at both ends for a good few hours on & off.
I always remember getting really cold when I had a bug as a child after the dreaded v* & d* actually d* doesn't bother me , I have said many times I would rather have a week of d* than a day of v*
I just remember feeling really weak & ill & cold but I never once got scared , I did have that oh no gotta get to the bathroom feeling but still.
I mean no one likes being sick , I remember not liking it but I also remember a time when I wasn't afraid of it. Although it must of been when I was between the ages of 7-10
I say this because at the age of 11 , one night I had a stomach ache , was on the loo for a while but nothing really major , just a bit of a dodgey tummy , no nausea BUT I think because I always had the d* & v* together I asociated them with one another so I thought oh I'm having d* I will probably v* later , & I was waiting & waiting for it to come but it never did .. Anyway after that because I was waiting for the v* I stopped eating , I was so worried that if I did it would cause me to v* but being a child I thought this kind of thinking was normal because no one ever told me otherwise.
Well for days I didn't eat , which obviously did make me feel ill so I assumed I was ill & didn't eat for even longer because I felt so ill (these vicious cycles :|)
I got so underweight because , well my mom was lucky if I swallowed down a piece of toast every day. Eventually got admitted to hospital & was told I would be have a feeding tube shoved down my throat if I didn't eat! Looking back that probably caused this blood fear to get worse!!!!
So I gained a couple pounds & they let me out of hospital. & slowly I started to get over this constant I'm gonna be sick phase & started eating again, i remember having a stomach bug 2 years later at 13 & I felt quite unwell so I went into the bathroom was looking in the mirror & I looked like death , next thing I know I'm sat on the toilet with my mom & dad in the room fussing over me , I had only gone & fainted , fell into the bath & fully whacked my head :/ I threw up all over my mom and was crying because I didn't really know what was going on due to the fainting & blow to the head.
After about a week I felt a lot better but I felt very ill for the whole week & v* a lot more than I usually did with a bug , I remember feeling like. Was dying , feeling worse after v* not better as u usually do when u have a bug as it gets it out of your system. I think maybe the bang to the head caused some sort of conclusion I'm not sure cause doctors never really took any notice , just said i was alright & to rest.

So after than lengthy life story lol , I'm pretty sure those incidents could be responsible for my phobia now.
It got REALLY bad when I was 18 , I got panicky the whole day , wouldn't eat , couldn't sleep .. It came on very slowly but hit hard getting worse by the day , doctors didn't see it as a big problem , sent me on my way with propranolol for panic , which made me worse as I couldn't feel my heart beating & thought I was going to die :|
Went back & doctors prescribed me an SSRI called citalopram , one of the side effects nausea/v* ermm no thanks , wouldn't touch them.
So eventually I got prescribed amitriptyline , no side effect of nausea/v* so I took it, didn't do much first few weeks , just made me sleepy but I was thankful because now at least I got a good few hours sleep.
Slowly but surely I built myself back up & just after turning 19 I even moved into my own flat! Something which back then seemed so scary , but I think it really helped me having to be alone sometimes & do for myself.
I was taking the amitriptyline still & having CBT , finally after a couple months I felt normal again , still having the phobia but not thinking about it 24/7.
Then , one dreaded day in April (i could even tell u the date & time!) I woke up , ina Sunday morning at 10am , & I felt sick :|
At first I thought , okay okay calm down its just panic .. Nope it wasn't!
I was on the loo with d* , I was trying everything to convince myself it was just anxiety giving me a dodgey tum & I'd be better after.
I got worse , I rang my mom crying down the fone asking her to come around because I felt poorly.
She did thankfully around 12 & we sat on my sofa while watching tv (in between panic attacks) , I told her I felt sick & I thought it might happen , she didn't think I was because so many times it's panic I have felt nauseous but never been sick.
She got me a bowel "just in case" & I had it by my side .. I dosed off , actually I think I kinda lost consciousness because it's NOT at all like me to be sleepy when I feel sick , quite the opposite :| , & my mom didnt notice because I was lying down at that point , anyway I kinda came to & immediately without even thinking about it grabbed the bowel & the dreaded event occured :/
I was sick.
& it wasn't even bad , I remember feeling better!!! Nausea completely gone , I was like wow , is that it?
I even said those exact words to my mom.
She couldn't believe it , I couldn't believe it .. I even got up & walked around a little , I still felt very weak as I hadn't eaten anything that day obviously.
Sat back down & my mom stayed with me the day & night invade I got bad again , well I got a headache towards the end of the evening that got worse in the night & I had a fever .. Felt awful the whole night , but didn't feel sick surprisingly , probably the bug coming out in the fever.
Anyway the next day I woke up absolutely fine , was hungry , had a little breakfast , no nausea , no D* , no fever. Nothing.
I even went out ! & drove & ate dinner while I was out , I know those things seem so silly and little but in times of bad anxiety I could NEVER do that , especially if I hate been sick the day befor!
I don't know how I did it , I just did .. U would think after that I would have conquered my fear of beng sick & I had ... Until a few months later when it reared it's ugly head again! I was so upset , I thought I'd got over it! I really thought I'd won :(
It's like I know it happened & I know it wasn't that bad , but it's like my mind won't process it , it still sees v* as a threat & scary ..
I hadnt been sick since , then this April I found out I'm pregnant. At first I wasn't worried about morning sickness , I didn't think it would even happen to me cause I have a pretty strong stomach (I've been sick on about 5 different occasions in my whole life, maybe less)
Then just as I was 5 and a half weeks it hit me , at first I thought it was panic but it got worse & I finally realised it was real nausea because I couldn't even put food or drink in my mouth without gagging.
I got dehydrated & was put in hospital on a drip :( but I was so thankful because they gave me a wonderful anti sickness drug called cyclizine which worked almost instantly they injected it though IV , & it made me very spaced out first , gave me palpitations & apparently I was talking fast & not making sence , but all of that didn't matter because it stopped me being AND feeling sick I was n heaven .. Although I was very weary of food & water .. Soon enough I was drinking & I had eaten a little & felt fine , they let me out but over the next two weeks I was going through my afraid to eat phase again & lay in bed for 2 weeks only drinkin water and 7up. Eventually my mom suggested I just try a tiny bit of something soft like mashed potatoe & I did & as soon as I'd ate it I asked for more slowly since then I have been eating more & more & feel pretty good most days , I have had anxiety over the past 2 days but I swear its my hormones because I 100% don't feel sick , I just keep getting out of breath & shakey .. I haven't really felt that hungry but when I eat it's not making me feel sick so I'm just eating as normal.

Anyway , in reguards to hypnotherapy I haven't tried it , although I would like to.
I did have a cd once that was specifically for emets & I listened to it every day for about a month , then every other day then just once in a while , I always fell asleep cause I played it at night but I don't know wether maybe that helped & maybe that's why I wasn't so scared that time when I got sick in my flat?
Who knows , I'm looking into those CDs again now.
I take rescue remedy , it sometimes takes the edge off but usually only if Im mildly anxious.
I'm back on amitriptyline 25mg which are starting to take effect now it's been about a month since starting them.
I desperately want my gp to prescribe me diazepam , I took it befor & woahh it was amazing , took my anxiety away in like 15 minutes! & when I'm very anxious I find it hard to eat anyway even if I didn't feel sick , but with that diazepam it used to make me hungry! I loved it , it's just being pregnant there's only certain meds u can safely take u know.

I think maybe rather than waiting for this traumatic event to pop back into your mind , maybe u should try & think of your childhood , try to remember as much as u can , was there a particular place u hated going to? A relative u were scared of? People in general who scared you? Did u ever break a bone? Have any injuries from school or playing out with friends? Or try to think of times when u were sick as a child , try to remember the point when it became scary .. Then think if what happened in your life leading up to that point.

I think with the dreams , your subconsious KNOWS that the dream is real that it's pretend , it's like if u were watching a fim that you thought was really scary & enjoyed watching it unfold but knowing that it isn't happening to u & secretly being glad that the onscreen actor/actress is scared & not u.
If that makes sence?
It's amazing that a phobia takes such little time presenting itself & then takes long hard years of therapy & meds to get rid of , i believe that 1 day I will overcome emet for good!

Is your fear everything to do with v*? Or is it just when youre ill?
Mine is just myself v* I can put up with anyone else v* as long as they are not contagious then that scares me because I believe I will catch it , but say if someone was hungover & v* or a cancer patient or someone else with morning sickness it wouldn't scare me because it's me doing the v* it's someone else.
Anyway sorry for the huge post , hope it helps in some way & I hope u find the reasons for your emet that you're looking for!

---------- Post added at 03:27 ---------- Previous post was at 03:23 ----------

Bloody fear* not blood fear haha x

[Angelai]

Wow, thank you for taking the time to share, I really appreciate it.

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy - that's lovely news and something to really look forward to! My 'baby' is 15 now, I didn't suffer morning s***ness (I had one day where I ret***d a couple of times but that was it. I hope you're feeling well enough to enjoy being pregnant.

I was rather angry and frustrated last night, it gets me like that sometimes I am completely terrified of anything to do with s*** - me, anyone else, on tv/films, even talking to someone on the phone or reading on here that someone has a bug sets me off. I KNOW I can't catch a bug down the phone or from a forum, but try telling my phobia that lol.

When I was about 4 I woke in the night. I don't actually remember how I felt, but I was very s*** - in the bed, on the floor... wierd that I really don't remember any physical sensations. So, I went to mum's room, knelt by her bed and gently woke her up. She came to, I told her what had happened, she lifted the blankets and told me to get in. My mum is a true star. I mean, I was covered, she didn't care. She just wanted to comfort me. At that time, she had a long-term live in boyfriend who was very violent. Apparently, he woke up and went mental and expressed his disgust at the dirty little stinking me that was in the bed. I don't remember that. I'm not sure, but I think mum told me once, much later, that she got a 'smack' for that. Ok, I thinking hard about that night now, and you know what? Honestly, all I remember is climbing into bed. The next thing I remember is the afternoon of the following day, being all snuggled up on the sofa downstairs with blankets and a bowl - I was s*** some more but it's all very vague. I don't remember feeling scared, I don't remember feeling ill, I don't remember any physical or mental sensation at all... I do remember a square of carpet appearing over the patch by my bed, that's it. I guess things could have got nasty when the boyfriend woke up to find me in their bed, nasty enough that I've blocked it out?

Now on to age 9/10. I ate some laburnam seeds (don't ask - I won't go in to detail!). Basically, mum found out that my friend had eaten some and asked me if I had, I said no because I thought I would be in trouble. I went to bed, but mum woke me up and asked me again. She told me that I must tell the truth because my friend was in hospital, and if I had eaten some and didn't say, I might not wake up in the morning. She wasn't dramatic or shouting or anything, very calm and loving and not telling me off. So I admitted it and was taken to hospital. They gave me the dreaded orange syrup and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened. They put me in a wheelchair, gave me one of those stupid plastic tray/bowl things, and started wheeling me off to the ward. It was a looooong way. We got on to the ward, and the person pushing me stopped, right there in the middle of the ward, to talk to a nurse or someone. The nausea started, I was almost at my bed but stuck in this wheelchair with adults stood around me, and I was really scared. The v* started while I was still sat there, I was so humiliated when I started to feel it coming. They got me in to bed, which I don't remember. I don't remember that night at all after that. My friend was in the bed next to me, and in the morning our parents were all there. She got to go home, but because I hadn't actually stopped being s*** they wouldn't let me go. Again, I don't remember that, I only remember how heartbroken I was watching my mum and (future) step-dad, and my friend and her mum and dad, all leaving, all fine. I felt that I'd done something really bad, I was a bad girl, I felt I was being told off and punished for not being able to stop being s***. Like I said though, I have no memory of actually being s*** all night and morning, only the start of it rising up and then the next day seeing everyone go.

So, a therapist once agreed that the age 4 incident was the trigger, the later one the reinforcement. My problem with that has always been that I remember those events, I have thought about them often, so this doesn't fit with the analytical hypnosis theory. But now, actually writing it down, I realise that I don't really remember these events, in both cases there is a big blank. Maybe here is where I will find my pieces of a plate or jug?!

A couple more quick ones - when I was about 5ish, we went on a family holiday, a long way in the car. We went with friends, following their car. On the way, someone in the car ahead was really ill out of the car window. I remember seeing it all over the outside of the car. I always thought it was one of the kids, but here my memory may be tricking me. Mum has since told me that the dad in the other car was very poorly on that holiday, really s***, and we all had to go home early. He died a few days later. No, I don't remember any of that. Another possible incident that mum has mentioned - she's not sure but thinks it could have been me in a pram, at nan's house, in the garden, when my gramp had a nasty coughing fit, jumped up, and was s*** all over the pram. She isn't sure if it was me in there or one of my many cousins. One last one (for now ). Not s*** related, but maybe significant in light of the age 4 incident with the boyfriend. Mum and bf and gone out for the night, he got on the 'shorts' which always made him violent so mum left early. He came home in a state, grabbed my brother and me out of bed, mum woke up to find him stood at the end of the bed with my brother under one arm and me under the other, and a big kitchen knife in his hand - which he was using to flick the buttons off my brothers pyjamas as he told her that if she EVER left him like that again he would kill us. I've no memory of this, my only memories of him are that I knew he was hurting my mum (I heard, and saw the bruises) but he never laid a hand on me. Well, I did get a smacked bum for going off up the lake with my younger friend when I was 3! Mum did a midnight flit with my brother and me twice, to a womens refuge, but both times he found us and we ended up going back to him. The second time (the only one I remember) mum actually asked us what we wanted to do and we both said we wanted to go home. Terrible little traitors!

I guess I really do have some stuff to work with here, I'm hoping that I'm finally about to start with the psychotherapy that I keep being told I need. I started CBT about 2 years ago, I think it was actually for travel anxiety, but the lovely lady that I saw shared with her team who all agreed that CBT wasn't the answer - they felt that I really needed pscho but unfortunately they weren't able to offer it. The travel anxiety, I believe, is totally an emet thing, not a disorder on it's own. I could be wrong, but it is a fear of being ill that makes me travel-anxious, nothing else.

Do you know, this is going to sound so awful, but I have often thought that if I had cancer there is no way I could have chemo, that I really would actually die than be s***. I know that sounds terrible, and I know many people would judge me bad for saying it. I can only hope that if, god forbid, anything like that did happen to me, I would feel differently.

This is such a nightmare phobia, and I'm so sorry that it controls you too. I didn't mean to go on like I have, but your reply kind of brought this out of me and I'm really grateful(sp?) to you for that.

I think I might cut and paste some of this in to a new post about emet causes, what do you think?

Thank you so much x

[Lousicle]

I'm so glad I could help , it does all seem to tie in with the age 4 incident & age 9-10 incident.
When I read the aged 4 one , I was thinking maybe you associated being sick with your mom getting hurt or told off? & being so young you didn't even realise you put the two together? Maybe there was something that happened that night that u have blocked out due to trauma.
Neither of my parents were ever violent to eachother or me , so I can only express my deepest sympathy & that must of been awful to grow up around.
I had another memory come to me whilst reading your post.

That night when I fainted & fell into the bath I remember the previous day at school I had been in P.E class and we had been doing acrobatics & a girl had accidentally kicked me in the back on my head .. I got sent home but I was fine until the night when I fainted & was sick.
Now after that I do vaguly remember always being over cautious not to bang my head at all because it had made me so ill.
A little while after that I was on a holiday with my parents & I must of done something naughty because my dad was shouting at me , then out of nowhere he hit me , really hard on the back on my head! & low & behold that night I was sick! & he did this a few times again over the years , I even remember my mom threatening to leave him because every time he smacked me on my head I would go into crying fits & 9 tims out of 10 be sick in the night. At a young age I remember thinking to myself "if I get hit on my head I'm gonna get a sickness bug & be poorly for days"
Thinking back now I said I was 13 when the fainting incident happened , I think I may of been younger now , quite abit younger infact because I remember one of the times when my dad had smacked my head I was doing my year 6 exams and I got sick the night before they started and my mom was going mad at him because I was going to miss them all.

Strange actually how much I am remembering now thinking about it , & it's actually making me feel very anxious thinking of it.

Do u know , I am exactly the same , I have said to my mom many times that if I ever get cancer I want to be taken to one of the country's where euthanasia is legs & just get it over with straight away :/ how awful is that , because I too would NOT be able to have chemo no way on earth!

When I was having morning sickness & felt really ill I was crying to my mom telling her that I think I might have 2 abort my baby because I couldn't cope with the nausea! :( looking back I am so glad I didn't because my little one is my life! Even though I'm only 10 1/2 weeks I love my baby so much already! I actually think that if I had not got pregnant accidentally I would never of tried because of the fear!

It is a nightmare phobia & I wish so much I could just take it out of my brain or wipe it away. I would LOVE to be one of those people who doesn't really mind if they are sick & just go about their day after v* I envy those people so much :(

Sorry for rambling on haha
I am starting some therapy , I know it's not CBT but I'm not sure what it is exactly , I've been referred from a psychiatrist that I saw at the mental health hospital. So I'm hopeful it will help & good luck to u finding the piece of the puzzle u need 2 figure out why u have this phobia.

---------- Post added at 16:40 ---------- Previous post was at 16:37 ----------

Legal* not legs lol

[Angelai]

Our little brains connect things in such wierd ways - as a child we have no prior experience to tell us how to categorise and file things, it's no wonder we can get so messed up!

I have just been given a prescription for an ssri that I have taken many times in the past - I feel that my hormone problems and much worse IBS symptoms, oh, and greatly increased travel anxiety, panic attacks and general anxiety are all actually the same thing . My doctor has also told me to contact 2gether, who I saw for the brief stint of CBT. Apparently, they are able to offer psychotherapy now. Did I say that already in an earlier post?!

The emetophobia, well... for me, when I really try to analyse what it is that I'm so afraid of, a couple of words jump straight to mind - shame, humiliation, disgust. When I think of actually being s***, and try to imagine what the big deal is and how I will feel, it's always shame, humiliation and disgust. For me, it's one of the worst things a person can do. It's disgusting, it should not come out of the body, it should remain on the inside because it's not for anyone else to see. It's like, suddenly, everyone can see your dirty little secret and they're judging you. I actually feel this way when someone else is ill. I think, OMG, how could you DO that? Have you no shame? Keep it to yourself, it's so wrong. It's about self control and being self-possessed. People, how can you just let it all out for everyone to see, show some b****y self control. But then, I have no tolerance for ANY show of a lack of self-control, in myself or anyone else. So that kind of explains the terror of anyone else knowing if I'm ill. But even if it's only ME that knows, that's bad too. On the one hand, I clearly have a fear of being judged, on the other I cannot accept not being in complete control of myself.

Going back to the 'it's not for anyone else to see thing'... I have been wondering for years now if I am keeping a secret (even from myself ) because I really feel like it would literally be the end of the world if s*** came out of my mouth. It's like 'I can't say, I can't tell, no one can know, I must keep it to myself' and s*** is just the physical representation of this 'secret'. Oh, I don't know. I'm possibly talking complete rubbish! I just can't get over the 'shame' reaction. I would be so ashamed. As should any one else who does it.

It seems we may have completely different reasons, or 'links' that have made us emetophobic, but the result is the same. I hope you can get somewhere with therapy. I wonder if the fact that you started to feel anxious when thinking about how you were always ill after being hit on the back of the head is because that is actually where the problem lies. The anxiety could be your mind's way of saying 'back off! you DO NOT want to go there, in fact I won't let you because I need you to continue to be afraid' - does that make sense? It's like your mind is closing the door, maybe because it thinks you aren't ready to handle the truth? Or that it doesn't want you to get over the fear because (and this applies to me) what the h**l is my mind supposed to do all day if it can't worry about being s***? This is sounding more and more messed up, it would be interesting to hear a therapists view on my ramblings lol.

I don't know what you've done to me, but it's all going crazy in my head now. I think reading the details of your experiences has opened me up a little. I thought I couldn't be any more open with myself, maybe it was just that I was only ready to think these things, and not ready to voice them/write them down. Thank you so much.

Let's both of us keep talking (writing, lol) it can only be good.

[Lousicle]

We deffinately both have different reasons why & how v* scares us yet we both have the same phobia & some of the same feelings (eg the cancer chemo thing)

I've never actually thought about things that way , where u say maybe my mind won't let me start to think about what started it all off & just causes anxiety so that my thoughts stray away from my childhood & towards my anxiety. Maybe that is what's happening , maybe I am scared that if I dealt with the source of the problem I would have to be normal & live a normal life & maybe that's really what is scary to me? Wow that's really got me thinking now.
Maybe my mind secretly feels safe knowing that v* scares me because that's how it has been for so long , and if I am honest I am a creature of habit , I don't like change. I will deffinately be mentioning all of this when I start my therapy.

We do differ in the sence of why v* is scary to us because I would not be ashamed or humiliated by it , I think in a way because when I was s* as a child I always remember feeling weak and cold afterwards so it's more of a fear of the feeling ill maybe? Rather than oh no I can't be sick because it's embarrassing.
Especially as I said before being s* didn't really make me feel better as it does for a lot of people I always felt worse after being s* so I didnt like it because I didn't feel as bad until I had been s*.
Another part of it I have always thought of , especially when I got my morning sickness was "what if I throw up & never stop!?" because in the few seconds the v* is coming out you can't breath in if that makes any sence? So if I kept constantly v* I would stop breathing & choke & die. It's all what ifs again but they can be the worst , the fear of the unknown.

I'm so glad I have helped you bring all these thoughts and experiences out in yourself u have opened my mind to posibilities of why and how I have this phobia aswel , things I would never of thought of by myself thankyouu!
Yes let's deffinately keep talking!
If u dnt mind me asking how old are you?
How does your phobia affect your daily life? Do u work or do u fear leaving home?
Are you married or in a relationship?
& also where abouts do u live?

Just wanna see what else we are similar in & what differs.
I am 21 , I have had times when my phobia hasnt affected me working or leaving home but at the moment it is severely affecting me as I can't work & I only leave the house with my mom or alone. I live with my parents in Birmingham & I am not in a relationship.

Speak soon!

---------- Post added at 18:21 ---------- Previous post was at 18:12 ----------

Ohh also , wanted to ask about some symptoms
Do you have nausea often or hardly ever when anxious? What can set you off with an anxiety attack? What other anxiety symptoms do u experience?

I USED to feel sick all the time , or think that I felt sick even if I didn't & start panicking constantly , now I hardly ever properly sick , but I do have that anxious lump in throat feeling regularly when I'm anxious sometimes even when I'm not , I have palpitations quite regularly & if really scared butterflies in stomach , hyperventilate if I have a bad attack feel like I can't breathe.
Anxiety attacks for me are usually set off if I think I'm in danger of being sick. Although I have had a few times where anxiety attacks have come out of nowhere & I think why am I panicking I don't feel sick , then I try really hard to think wether I do feel sick which usually led to more panic !