I changed therapists and she's very good. I was raped/sodomized/beat, so was my service dog in front of me and have had horrible problems since then. But whenever I go in to talk to her? We wind up talking about my refractory or intractable epilepsy, which was diagnosed 8 years ago, I'm 57. I think. I have "number confusion".
Just to give you an idea epilepsy doesn't sneak up on you. My first recognized sz was 2 hours for instance and I've never stopped sz'ing since. On top of that I'm photosensitive/photoconvulsive which means basically strobe lights make me sz but so does corduroy, some stripes, checks, trees shining through trees, dappled sunshine on water, pastels, moving icons, all caps in posts, and a huge amount of other things. The world has become an ambush. 5% of us are reported as photosensitive but I don't believe it. I've been on an E chat when someone posts in that neon pink and suddenly everyone's writing turns to mush. I've started writing in a foreign language. The country/language where I was born. 5%? I don't think so. On this E forum I wrote what I thought was an explanatory, thoughtful post about PTSD and E. People start threads all the time about relationship problems, their own depression, I thought PTSD would be appropriate and not one person on a busy forum posted after me. I've found saying I had PTSD in a rape support group was the most silencing thing I could have said too. Whatza deal with saying I have PTSD? I don't broadcast it. It's not an STD. But if it's appropriate to say it, I'm not ashamed of it. At times it's also very obvious. Heck I feel like I earned it! But it scares people apparently, or those around me or maybe it's how I say it?
My first recognized sz at 2 hours long is unusually long, also life threatening, thankfully happened in the hospital where I worked, good in some ways but on the second day of a new job wasn't too whippy. I've probably had it mildly all of my life but I could work, do all normal things. The year before I was diagnosed tho I kept "falling asleep at the wheel" at the same intersection, ran into the garage door twice because I "fell asleep", but we never suspected epilepsy strangely because there are a lot of inherited incidences in my family. I thought I'd passed the age of getting it - I guess. I never worried about it.
Back to topic, all of a sudden I couldn't drive, work, lost tons of income, possessions, had repossessions, my husband had to immediately go to work and he'd just had open heart surgery and our entire life took a nose dive. As things went on I gained new sz types, which is typical. I caught my shirt on fire with one type of sz while I was cooking, burned myself. I'm chronically injured from falling, I'm dependent on rides or just give it up. I'm afraid to walk alone since twice I've sz'd and been found crawling in the street by good samaritans and I have sz's in my sleep which leaves me at risk for death. Relationships with family and friends have primarily gone to heck. For instance my sister has refused to be in my presence for 8 years because my father's sz's "traumatized" her. Imagine what it did to him. The thing is I've come to accept this on most days, not all. It's no longer what I am, it's what I have. It took me tons of effort to get to that point. But others don't accept this, avoid me once they find out I have E. Now I'm finding I don't want friends virtually yet I get so lonely. I avoid people and functions. Acquaintances are fine but the pain of rejection is well, painful. Too much for me and I've experienced it too often. People don't understand epilepsy either but worse, they don't want to. I used to try and educate, I gave that up after yawns, interruptions and obvious disinterest and I had a short spiel. I couldn't have been boring anyone. I've had all these losses, among other things. Loosing my ability to work has been the hardest and since I sz'd when I was volunteering and knocked out my front teeth, I'm not allowed to volunteer anywhere now either due to
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