New Fluoxetine User - Looking for some Chat/Reassurance

[ExPerson]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to check in. I'm on day 27 of Fluoxetine now, and I have to say I feel a good bit better. All of the side effects have, for the most part, gone now. I've been able to do some work this last week and managed to genuinely enjoy myself this weekend at a friends wedding. I'm still in a bit of a practical mess with work, career, finance - and with the strain this whole period has put on my relationship, but I feel better placed to handle it now. I don't know whether this is the ADs or if it's just a better period of mood happening naturally. By way of encouragement for others, I have to say that Fluoxetine does appear to be having a genuinely positive effect on me and that many of the things I was concerned about with regards to side effects have not been a problem e.g. no sexual side effects, I can still have a drink at weekends, no ridiculous mood swings. Certainly the week of anxiety I had between weeks 2 and 3 was absolutely terrible - a bit of which has been played out live on this thread! - but it appears that it was only temporary.

I'm in the process of trying to rebuild things now. Got a 6 month sabbatical from my PhD. Going to take 2 months off and work in a pub, then push to finish it over a 9 month period. Hoping that in the meantime I'll be able to repair things with my girlfriend. I'm also going for CBT some time over the next few weeks, which I hope will be helpful. I'm trying to keep a note of caution in my mind during this period - there's been times in the past where I've thought to myself 'I'm fine now, it's all over' only to become suicidal again after an instance of stress. I find that this is the way it goes for me - up and down over periods of 1-2 weeks. This is something I hope the ADs and therapy can regulate a bit more. As always, now that I'm feeling a bit better I'm left with a niggling feeling of embarrassment about how I've behaved and a worry that people who've seen me this way will think less of me. This is something I've got to work hard at dropping from my mind, because, while there may even be some truth in it, it's not a way of thinking that's going to help me - or anyone else for that matter.

I'm still far from fine and I've a lot of work to do (in every sense) before I can get myself in a better position. But, I know I'm doing the right thing now by seeking treatment. Everyone's Fluoxetine experiences seem to vary, but my one is definitely a positive one so far. I've kept a wee diary of how things have went for me over the course of taking the ADs. I think in a few weeks I'll post a new tread on here. I know that when I was debating whether to take them or not and when I was really struggling with the side effects that it really meant a lot to me to read encouraging experiences from others on here.

Good luck to everyone.

[Bramwell]

Good work, you people. Hope it continues.

[ExPerson]

Ah well, I probably spoke too soon on this. I've had a nice 4-5 days, but there's no mistaking that I feel utterly depressed again. It's funny, because I go through these periods of utter misery, then I make new plans and try to rebuild things, but now I have to sit down and carry out those plans - and reality hits me again. I find myself either doing nothing and being bored/miserable, or trying to do a bit of PhD work, which makes me realise that I absolutely do not enjoy any part of my working life. I hate being isolated in an office or library, speaking or interacting with no one - just me against the thesis. I hate how stressed my lack of progress makes me. On top of that, I'm going to have to get a low paid job just so that I can stay afloat and finance this piece of work that I hate - with no notion if this will be a massive waste of time or not. I hate not being able to be carefree. I hate feeling like I have no prospects and that I can't make plans/have dreams. I hate feeling that I haven't found my place in the world. I hate feeling scared at the prospect of any new challenges. I hate what this has done to my relationship, which I now feel is potentially on the rocks. I hate that this may mean I have to move out and find a new place to live. I can't imagine how lonely I'd be without my girlfriend. I can't imagine how I would work things financially if I had to move. I hate feeling like I have nothing stable in my life, having gone from star student and popular guy to the person that my friends are 'worried about', and from financially stable to completely broke. I hate being a burden. The repercussions of this whole period have the potential to be massive. I can imagine spending the rest of my life in bitter regret about how I didn't make the right career choices and how I lost the girl that I loved most in the world.

How the hell do you break out of these thought patterns? How do you stop them ruining your life? Honestly, for the first 27 1/2 years of my life I had no notion of what unhappiness was. I literally couldn't have comprehended what it meant to be depressed. A non depressed person's frame of reference is so different. No one could really understand unless they were going through it. Even when I have my good periods I forget what it was like. I gloss over it all. It's only when I start to go through a dark period that I'm reminded of just how bad it is. I'm so up and down. I could feel terrible in the morning only to feel ok by evening. I could be fine one day and suicidal the next. I'm doing everything that you're supposed to do to help myself: taking ADs, getting CBT, exercising, eating well, talking to friends, not isolating myself but it doesn't seem to make a dent. I've got all this emotional support - but no one can do anything practical to help me. And I need help - this is no way to live a life.

[Bramwell]

EP - Hello there.
Our current histories can only meet on a superficial level, I've simply no conception as to the amount of work you need to do to complete your assignments/Thesis etc. (Good luck anyway).
However, I DO know what a blank sheet of paper looks like - or blank computer screen these days - horrible, springs to mind.
So, whatever you need to do with your PhD work, make notes.
Take a blank sheet of paper and write down 5 things that you Deffo need to include in your written work. That's a start. Leave space under your 5 headings to jot in extra info. Before you know it, you'll have at least some pointers to work with.
I know how hard it is to get motivated, believe me, I KNOW how difficult it is just breathing sometimes.
Get the pen, get the paper, make a start. Leave the paper where you can see it...let it irritate you into action...c'mon, get to it.

[ExPerson]

Hi Bosher, I appreciate the input, I really do. But, I've tried every writing tactic there is. Sometimes I wonder what I'm worried about and feel convinced that I'll be able to pap a passable PhD out. And sometimes I face this horrible bleakness when I look at it. It's not the piece of work per se that I have the problem with. I mean it is difficult, no doubt about that. But, it's everything that goes on and has went on around it. I've stopped valuing my subject area to be honest. I don't see much point in it. This happened even before I got depressed. My lack of value has affect my performance. It's made me mess around a bit. I don't see myself as being comfortable within academia at all. Previously I had a bit of money put away to perhaps give me some options at a bit of a career change, but this year I've had a few financial disasters, my parents are facing financial problems and health problems also. I feel like my foundations have been shaken from under me. Everything that was once strong in my life is now weak. This has affected fundamental parts of my personality. It's made me a misery to live with and has affected my relationship. It really has been a nightmare. And every day I get myself up and try to motivate myself to do some work - and most days I think to myself 'how on Earth did I get myself into this position?'