Hi ExpersonOriginally Posted by ExPerson
Thank you for your reply. Indeed is very hard to notice that you are not as smart as you used to be. My memory is bad and I'm so slow. Making my experiments put me in a relly huge anxiety.
Things get worse because I feel lonely and I somewhat developed a phobia at being by myself.
What did your (former) supervisor say about your situation? My supervisor doesn't know anything but I think I will tell him soon. I can no longer hidding this situation :(
Elili,
My supervisor was quite supportive. I told him about my family's health and financial issues and said that my head wasn't in the work any more. I got the university counsellor and my doctor to provide supportive evidence. It was a pretty awkward, but necessary, series of conversations. We're trying to negotiate a 6 month sabbatical, which I plan to take 2-3 months to work a low stress job then go back and attempt the write up over the remaining 9-10 months that I'd have left. It’s simply the only option for me, because I can’t keep just trying to work with this current frame of mind.
I still feel in no way confident that I'll ever be able to do this. I often wonder to what extent the PhD work that I now hate doing fuels my depression – or if my depression fuels my inability to work. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Sometimes I feel that if I get my head straight then I’ll be able to work. Other times I feel like as soon as I start working again my head will get messed up. I mean, beyond the whole depression/anxiety thing, I've long been pretty disillusioned with my PhD subject and the possible career paths that it could take me. I wish I'd chosen any number of other career paths. I don’t feel any real value in the work I do. I feel very silly about the possibility of wasting key 3-4 years of my life – or, conversely, that I’ll somehow scrape through the PhD and then be locked in this career that I don’t value. I worry that it’s making me resentful and bitter. I find myself jealous of friends that seem to have just luckily fell into a career that they enjoy. All of this is set against a backdrop of extreme financial stress on myself and my family – something that is a completely new experience for me. This all serves to make me a generally unhappy person – something which is taking it’s toll on my relationship with my girlfriend – which, again makes things worse. Fluoxetine has taken then edge off of things over the last few days, but I do wonder if I’ll ever be free of this cycle of thoughts – or if this period of my life will do irreparable damage to my career and relationship to the point where I’ll always look back with bitterness.
That’s why I would definitely advise you to address any issues your having with the PhD as early as possible. Don’t let things fester for years and end up in a position, like me, where you hate the work, worry about your ability to complete it, but feel as if you have to because all your eggs are in one basket. You’re only one year in, so you’ve got options. I can understand the feeling of shock that you are struggling with work or that you might fail. I too was one of these people that was always top of the class, and had never struggled. It’s been a real shock to me that I can’t do well here. But, as I say, you’re not completely tied in to your PhD the way I am, and you do have practical options. The sooner you can get over the ‘I can’t believe I’m struggling’ and ‘I’ve never failed anything, why is this happening now?’ mindsets then the better you’ll feel about taking practical steps.
ExPerson-I'm so glad you're feeling better! Today I'm feeling very very anxious, my chest feels tight and I feel it's hard to catch proper breaths, but I've got a meeting with my supervisor today and I put it down to being scared about that as well as the fluoxetine. It seems like our moods are in anti-phase!!! I think the sabbatical is a great idea, taking the time out to get your head straight before starting to write up will help you a lot more than you probably feel like at the moment.
Elili-Hello and welcome! It's so reassuring to hear from more PhDs that feel the same! But I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish however well done for seeking help NOW and not like me, 6months towards the end! You should tell your supervisor, I regret not telling mine earlier, but if it means that they back off you for a little bit or give you a little more support and guidance then it's definitely worth it. I was scared that I'd be judged negatively by people, that all these feelings I was having were because I was a weak student who should never have started the PhD etc. Actually it was my supervisor that approached me about going to get help, after one particularly fraught meeting they realised I was a mess. They were really supportive AND sympathetic, explaining they'd felt very very similar things during their PhD. In fact speaking to some other PhD students made me realise the feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'd lost my edge, that I used to be sooooo much better as an undergraduate, wondering where my motivation had gone, where my ability to do even the most basic of calculations were a lot more common than I'd previously thought. A lot of other PhDs feel like that and it did help me to not beat myself up so much nor question my ability to do it so much. I hope some of this is reassuring.
Brightspark, good luck with the meeting today. Your university sounds quite supportive, so no doubt you'll feel a bit better after having a chat with your supervisor. Maybe time out is something you can discuss as well?
My anxiety may have reduced, but I'm still thoroughly lost as to what to do with my life. I'm a 29 year old guy with good qualifications, but I'm currently sitting in my flat on a monday morning/afternoon when I should be working and earning money and looking after myself. I literally can't do my PhD right now, but also hate just bumming around, wasting time. I used to have so much confidence, but now I'm devoid of any pride in myself. I don't know if I'll ever have the confidence and self-worth I used to have again. It's an utterly horrible thought, and one that does nothing but fuel future negativity in your life.
I know that my depression has been fueled by real life events, but I can't help but feel now that my whole thought pattern has been damaged. The way I look at things is completely different. Adversity incites panic in me rather than resolve. Situations that would previously have been examples of positive opportunity now make me feel envy that I'll never get to do these things. Where I used to be a catalyst for positive events I now feel like a hindrance to the loved ones and friends that must indulge my terrible moods/situation.
I'm going for CBT soon. Next week some time. I hope that this, along with my medication, the break from work, etc will restore some normality to my thought patterns. I feel like it has to.
Good luck to you all.
Hi Experson, I have thought about time out but I've got a job that's due to start after the PhD, and taking time out will mean I can't take the job, and the job is something that I hope will help me out of this downwards spiral I've been in cos I hate my PhD so much. It feels like a Catch 22 situation!
Have you thought about reading some books too? I've started reading one called Overcoming Depression, I've found it quite reassuring so far, it seems to explain a lot of the thought processes I've been having as being something that's quite natural to have, it begins by looking at some evolutionary psychology and showing why these feelings have some purpose. But also it shows that they are quite easy downward spirals to get into. I've read about a tenth of it, and the rest of it looks like it'll cover some mindfulness and CBT stuff too. If you hate bumming around then maybe reading a book on helping you out of your depression will counter this guilt that you seem to be experiencing?
I know exactly what you feel when you say about how confident you used to be! I actually had a friend comment that I "USED to be such a confident, dynamic young woman"..... ha and the implication is that now I'm such a depressive, shadow of a girl! But I believe my old personality is still in there somewhere, however although I'm further into the PhD than you, I'm sooner out of it too, and realising that it'll soon be over has helped me. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by still have so many months left of your PhD, but it too will soon be over, and you can do it, just think of taking one day at a time. Don't look at the PhD and indeed your life in its entirety at the moment. Give yourself little bite sized bits to work on. xxx
Well, to be honest I'm just as far into my PhD as you in terms of time. My 3 years of funded work are up and I'm funding myself now while trying to work but not actually getting anywhere. I'd feel infinitely more optimistic if I was anywhere close to the finishing line, but I'm not. There's no way I could line up a job because there's no way I can tell when I'm going to finish, if at all.
I actually felt reasonably ok for a bit today, but my girlfriend came home unexpectedly for lunch this afternoon and found that I hadn't yet left bed. I felt embarrassed and guilty enough myself, but the unimpressed look on her face and the quiet treatment I got from her subsequently has made me feel horrific. She's losing respect for me by the day. I hate it when she treats me like I'm an normally thinking person, not a depressed one - she doesn't understand what it does to me to have her pissed off, giving one word responses to me, etc. The thing is, she's been such a star to put up with this for so long, but it obviously takes its toll. She's got a right to feel upset by it all. I've got no right to ask any more of her. But, I do need support from somewhere - I can't deny that.
I hate being on my own, but I hate how I act around others. I'm in the library now trying to do some work. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to go home tonight because I don't want to argue with my girlfriend. I don't know where else to go. On the way here I honestly stopped to look over a bridge with the thought of jumping off it. I don't want to be dead. Far from it. I just don't want to be in the place I am right now. I want to be myself again.
We've talked and talked about it all. She's been great about it for months upon months. As supportive as you could ever hope for. Now, understandably, she's a bit fed up. I know she'd love to help me in any way possible. But, equally, my depression/situation has become our main subject of conversation and she doesn't always want to discuss it. This is probably why I'm talking to complete strangers online about it right now!
I have applied for a tutoring position - starting October. I'm a bit worried about how my sabbatical will affect my eligibility to apply though. I'm kind of relying on tutoring as an extra source of income. Although I have to say that the thought of standing up in front of a class is terrifying me.
I have done no work today again. I feel so horrible about arguing with the person I love most in the world. I know I'm going to struggle to sleep tonight, and maybe start the whole anxiety cycle all over again. What a horrible existence I'm living. I feel like I've done too much damage to everything and that i'll never really recover from the aftermath of this episode.
Hi Experson
I know how you feel, but you have to commit with yourself, really DECIDE to go out from this situation. I don't think not finishing the PhD is such a catastrophe... (which is the worst scenario, probably you'll finish it!) even after three years. If things have happened this way is because you had to learn from it, and the same you told me: the good news is that is not always to be like this... when you are ok again you'll look back and say "how bad things looked and they were not that bad" and you'll feel so proud of recovering.
Life is so upredictable that you don't know which direction it might take... what if you really like tutoring?
Don't be so hard to yourself. Is normal that in such a state you cannot concentrate... however if you are realizing that you really cannot work at all... at least do something FOR YOU, like go out runnig, go to the gym, read the book brightspark recommended you (I have it pdf so if you send me your e-mail I can send it to you) something that you know is improving your mood. Yesterday for example I was planning to go to Uni and keep on writing my report. But then a friend call me and invited me to go to Regent's Park... I really wanted to know this park for a long time and hadn't given myself the opportunity to go, so I decided not to work. At the beginning I felt a little guilty, but I enjoyed so much and distracted my mind from the cyclic thoughts that it really made me feel good.
Common! you can do it! there is no evidence to prove that you won't be the same happy person as before!!!
ps we are not strangers! we have this huge thing in common that put us in the same channel...
---------- Post added at 00:52 ---------- Previous post was at 00:45 ----------
Thank you for your message brightspark.... it really helped!
I couldn't tell my supervisor today, we met so quickly... I'm so scared of telling him my situation... I just think he'll say something like "there's no place for depressed people in this group" or "you have to be motivated otherwise what are you doing here?". I don't know I imagine his face with a funny look at me it just makes so anxious...
How did it go with your supervisor btw?
I feel completely the same as you.... why am I not the same as I was as an undergrad!?
Hugs!!!
Hi brightspark
Indeed alcohol doesn't help at all to feel good. Try to keep you far from it. If you feel you can't control it, at least now don't go to pubs... try to do things that doesn't ivolve alcohol and hang out with people that don't drink. I know this is hard, but if alcohol is making you feel bad, is not worth it... even more if you have a close experience with it :(
Chin up! you can do it!
Hi brightspark
It's good that you feel reasured. To be honest I'm not doing very well now. I keep on thinking so much that this is not for me. Secundary effects of fluoxetine are making this difficult... even more.
But I really really want to feel good again, will keep on fighting... I'm fed up of feeling rubish!!
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