Bad Sexual Intrusive Thoughts/OCD

[jaysmitch]

I've been suffering from these though for three years now, I am eighteen now and they first started when I was around 16. I know i have a history of OCD since I was a kid, I used to have to get up to go pee around 8 times a night even when I didn't have to really go, I used to check the doors were locked around 10 times a night. I feel the need to blink and cough all the time, and ever since I was a kid I would worry about things a lot (people coming into my house, thinking an earthquake or a fire would happen while I was sleeping, or thinking that a ghost was in my room or silly things like that) And for a while I was worried that I was gay, even though I have nothing at all against gay people, I now realize I am not. That kind of stuff. At around 16 I was pretty depressed over things that I now know aren't worth being depressed over, I was basically at the edge of finally going on to the my worst upcoming obsession the worst possible one, at that time I started worrying that I was attracted to kids. The first time the thought came into my head I hated myself, I cried many nights, I contemplated telling my family but decided not to because I thought it would be too weird. I saw a movie with a pedo in it and felt like I was gonan grow up to be that guy. At this time I knew nothing about ocd or intrusive thoughts so I thought they were legitimate thoughts. Once summer passed (one of the worst ever since I didn't want to do anything and felt extreme guilt) I went back to school and my mind eased up a bit, about 5 months later I had a girlfriend and my thoughts were still there but I was able to tolerate them since I had other things to think about then. Around 6 months later after breaking up with her for other reasons (simply didn't work out) my thoughts were slowly coming but I was still able to tolerate them, probably because that summer was a good one and I was occupied with other things. Now my thoughts are back and they are worse than ever, every time I go out and see a kid I worry, I feel like a weirdo with my friends, I feel scared a nervous when I'm with my little cousins. Sometimes I try to expose myself and look at kids like regular people and not think anything sexual then I'll think why did I do that!? Is it because I subconsciously liked it!? Ever since I was a kid, I've always loved kids, in fact it kinda runs in the family, my sister and uncles are teachers, and my parents love children, therefore being attracted to kids is the WORST possible thing to me, I'd rather do literally anything else. But ocd and depression also runs, my sister has small ocd things and my mom took meds for being depressed. If I'm on the internet and see a random photo of a naked woman, a picture of a kid will pop up in my mind and then I'll shrug it away, then five minutes later I'll start to think "Was I attracted to the photo because I thought of a kid?" Then I'll have to somehow disprove it in my mind and find some sort of word to make me feel safe. Recently I had a little cousin over who is still practically a baby, before I would be able to hold a baby without thinking of anything, now I'm afraid to carry them cause I'm afraid I might touch them wrong or something and just the other day when my cousin was over I thought I should face up to it and just carry her like a regular person, and when I did she sat on my hands while I was carrying her and I immediately felt extreme guilt and put her down and went into my room to think about it. I was not able to think straight and began thinking that I actually touched her on purpose, which I am 99.9 percent sure I didn't, but the thought is killing me, I KNOW that I don't find that sexually attractive at all, I mean it's a babies little butt! my cousin is the cutest thing in the world, and I kept thinking that my mind somehow just turned on me and that I did it on purpose and enjoyed it which I know I wouldn't do, but the thought still kills me, I feel like if i can just get over this thought, I will stop obsessing over this and I'll be fine (though I've told myself that before other times) I just feel like if I really did touch her on purpose (even though it doesn't turn me on AT ALL) then I acted out on my thoughts and I am some sort of freak, but she is just a toddler practically a baby, I am in no way attracted to her, just talking about it makes me feel weird. I have never told anyone about these thoughts, which might be bad because my parents still get pissed off at me when I don't do my bed or forget to cut the grass or something, I can't blame then, they don't know what is going on in my mind, but it is literally killing me. When I'm in class, it's almost all I think about, it's like I face a new one each day. Recently a thought of a kid came in my mind and tried focusing on it and I said "yes I do like that" but then I thought NO I DON'T, I KNOW i don't. Sometimes it feels so real. I feel like I don't care if i get into fights or so more dangerous stuff, I'd rather die than have these thoughts my whole life. Can someone PLEASE help me? Please, and thank you. At 16 I was hoping I'd be over this by the time I was 18.

[freind101]

First off dont worry you will get over these thoughts its hard to do but you will manage . 1 these are normal thoughts that everyone has but because of the person you are A GOOD PERSON you latch on to them and torture yourself into thinking could this really be me its not . I have had intrusive thoughts since the age of 17 and am now 33 i have never hurt anyone because of them and never will . First thing is you have to try and let go allow your thoughts there space they are totally normal and dont think you are alone your not . Its a horrid thing to be scared of your on thoughts thinking what if i did this or that and the worst things imaginable will come to mind . Trying to stop thoughts is impossible its how we learn to shrug them off that is key . YOU ARE NORMAL I HAVE THEM EVERYBODY DOES hang in there try not to judge your thoughts judge your actions there not the same . once you learn to not bother about your thoughts the bad ones will decrease and even stop . Hope i helped you in some way .

[Rachel W]

The fact that you are concerned that you are having these thoughts means that you are fine. The thing with us with OCD the more we notice the more we worry and the more we have these thoughts.

As freind101 mentioned, I have found that allowing the thought but then not dwelling on it is the best way to reduce them. The more you worry the more you will notice them and the worse they will seem.

You really are normal and fine.

[jaysmitch]

Thank you both for the support. It helps A LOT knowing that there are other people that have had the same issues, I really used to think I was the only one. Really the only thought I can't get over is the last one with my cousin though. Can someone please help me? I feel like any other normal person wouldn't have even noticed, but I got so freaked out when it happened. I'm terribly worried that I somehow did it on purpose even though it disgusts me just thinking about it and I KNOW that I am not attracted to that and KNOW that in the right state of mind I would never do that.

Also, there is a girl that I like, I liked her for a while, and a few months after I liked her, I felt as if she kind of looked like one of my family members which is younger than me, now I feel like I somehow subconsciously liked her because she looks like my cousin. And now I feel like any girl my age that I find attractive somehow resembles my cousin, even if she really doesn't, I find some sort of way. I told one of my siblings if they thought she resembled my cousin and they said no, but that it was strange that I thought that. Now I draw parallels on girls I've liked in the past and if they look like anyone else, and if so, if my perspective on that person influences my decision to like them. It tears at me. Is this all just apart of my obsession? And is it strange even if she does look a bit like my cousin, cause I feel like she really does, and it freaks me out, I feel like I subconsciously like my cousin and go for girls that look like her. I hate it. I didn't realize that she looked like my cousin until after my ocd and intrusive thoughts got much worse.
Please help, please, and thank you.

[freind101]

Hi there glad you don't feel so alone in this. What I would advise you try and do is not to analyse the thoughts your having , it is hard to do but in time you can learn this and become free of such horrid thoughts. The next time you brush up against a kid your thought be the same or worse because your afraid you will think it. This fear is the cause not that your attracted to kids . When a intrusive thought comes to mind just say to yourself that was an intrusive thought I had it so what the sky is still blue and the sun will still rise tomorrow . The fact of caring about a thought will increase it . Try not to care and this might help. If not go to doctor tell him your having intrusive thoughts meds can help you don't have to tell him what they are if you don't want to but your doctor won't judge you for thinking

[joe16]

I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS!!!
I am 16 and have the EXACT same thing as you! literally EXACTLY the same, but I am gay, anyway, this has put my mind at ease SO MUCH THANKYOU oh my god I can not thank you enough, I felt like a total weirdo, but my symptoms are exactly the same, i think I am going to go to some therapy sessions, just to help do what everyone in the comments is suggesting, I actually felt like I was going insane! I questioned myself and whether I really did feel this way but every time I thought about kids like that i felt SICK to my stomach, I would get this drop in my stomach and could barely speak, I don't think the intrusive thoughts will go like that but this is certainly a mile stone in me being able to dismiss them! I too blink a lot even when I don't need too, and clear my throat all the time, I used to get up and pee all the time when I was younger too, god, it's like I wrote your story myself!! I cannot thank you enough for posting this, I was beginning to feel really anxious and depressed, questioning myself all the time. please reply and thankyou again xx

[sahumedia]

I too had been suffering from intense OCD for many years until I found this book and worked on it.
The true cure for your problem is in the book - "You are not your brain"
by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz and Rebecca Gladding. Get this book and start working on it. You will be cured.

Best Regards,
A brother from India.

[mayworry]

Hi, i feel EXACTLY the same. I've been getting these horrible/ distgusting/ evil thoughts to do with children (was extremely hard to even type that sentence, i felt like i needed to die just for typing it) for the past year now (on and off). I seem to be okay for a few weeks sometimes because I somehow manage to get over it then something will remind me of how i felt about this topic and then I'd feel guilty that I'd even ever think these thoughts in the first place because no-body else seems to do that, then it all starts over again. It all really started when I was 19/20 after I had my son (who is now nearly 2) when I started to look back over every single thing I'd ever done wrong in my life (such as when I was 16 and my bf was 15 at the time) and i instantly felt like a pedo, then i thought about when i was 17/18 and I was curious and looked at Hentai videos etc then I felt that they looked quite young and tied it in with the theme that i thought i was disgusting and needed to be killed. I told my whole family, went crying to them about everything and asked them if i should go to the police or if I should move out coz I was convinced they wouldn't want me around anymore, but the complete opposite happened. They were all so worried about me, and asked me why the hell i thought i was a distgusting, sick person for just doing what a hell of a lot of teenagers do and they don't even bat an eyelid. It was like everything just came rushing onto me all at once from out of the blue (and I now know why it did) I felt that when I became a mum I must instantly adopt this 'perfect' appearance and never do anything remotely normal/ sexual in my life at all coz then i would get my child taken off me and be branded a horrible mother'.

After reading a hell of a lot of posts on here I really need to thank you for helping me diagnose what this horrible thing is I've been worrying about for the past year n a bit. People have described EXACTLY the way I feel.

2 weeks ago I took this worry to the next stage and started getting horrible thoughts about girls which goes hand in hand with me worrying about the other things and is like the conclusion of my worry spiraling out of control. I can't remember how it started, but after talking to my partner (the baby's father) and googling symptoms, i now know it is intrusive thoughts linked with anxiety. It started off being horrible thoughts, and now I literally will devote 10 mins every half an hour trying to 'test' myself with these images/ thoughts to see what emotional response comes from me (it has always been disgust/ shock/ guilt/ worry that I might like it or get turned on/ then I think that I do like it and that makes me feel even worse/ then my heart beats like mad and i feel like I'm going to be sick and usually ends in me crying. I've told my mum an dad n brother about these thoughts as well as my partner, and my brother laughed and said "You are the furthest from a pedophile there is". That made me feel a bit better but then I also wanted to say, "But that can't be true because 'normal' people don't have these thoughts therefore i must be!" I keep testing and testing and testing to the point where I don't even know what emotion it is anymore because I feel sick constantly and have nearly stopped eating altogether now because I feel I don't deserve to eat or be happy when I have these horrible thoughts.

I feel a tad better knowing there are other people who feel the way I do and take great solace in the fact that because I worry/ panic and cry over these thoughts that they cannot actually be true as, (my partner and dad keep telling me) if i was a horribl/ sick person I wouldn't be crying/ not wanting to leave the house, I'd be enjoying them acting on them (which I know I wouldn't do)

What makes me worry even more is the fact that I'm in my fourth (and final year) of primary teacher training and have NEVER looked at a child/ or had these thoughts like this before. I had a lecture the other day (my first day back into 4th year) and the topic was...child abusers. My heart nearly fell out my mouth. I literally nearly ran out of the hall and throw up, had to stop myself from crying right in the chairs next to my friends and had to sit right through an hour n half long presentation on 'what classifies a child abuser' and the 'stages' a child abuser goes through on getting to terms with actually 'liking' children. The first was "The idea they want to have sex with children", The second was "Overcoming their conscience and rationalizing their thoughts to think they're doing nothing wrong" etc etc. On hearing this I stopped breathing, I had been having these thoughts and testing myself for days an days and I instantly thought I was one of those horrible people, even though I have ALWAYS said these sorts of people don't deserve to be alive. It also said that by the age of 21 95% of child abusers 'know' they are one. I kept thinking Oh my god, I'm 21 (22 in 4 months) what if this past year has been my 'knowing', and I left right after the lecture (half way through the day) and didn't go back. I went home, broke down in tears to my mum and she said "You're still worrying about this??!!, you need to get over it now". That is what I want more than anything in the world! I would rather get sent to prison for killing someone than have anyone or myself believing that I would do/ think anything about/ to children.

Sorry for the massive long post but I just feel that after reading everything else on here I now know what it is I'm going through. I just need to convince myself I'm not a horrible/ sick person that needs to be dead and that I do deserve my son and I'm a good mother.
I've got the support of my partner, the love of my son and the need to just relax and get better sleep (I only get 3/4 hours a night due to my son constantly waking up/ getting in our bed and not sleeping).

I just want to be my 'normal' happy self again and not this person who cries all the time, snaps at her family and doesn't want to see her friends because everyone else seems to be happy and 'normal' and I'm an emotional wreck.

Thank you

[HunniBee]

Hi,

You are definitely not alone and please do not ever feel like that.

I can completely understand where you are coming from and the power that these thoughts have can be immense. I personally do not have thoughts like that mine are more of hurting the ones I care about and I hate admitting it to anyone as it makes me feel like such a bad person even though I would never ever act on said thoughts.

I tend to go into a quiet place and breathe in positive thoughts and breathe out negative thoughts (sounds silly but it helps me).

And as hard as it is you need to remember this is just a thought and you shouldn't give it any power, a thought is a thought, unless it is a fact it is just complete nonsense

I hope it all gets better for you.

HB xx

[digta]

wow. Im 34 and have had this all my life. To hear these shares and to understand, accept I am OCD and powerless over these thoughts is reassuring, a beginning, I NOW have a lot of work a head of me but, it all makes so much sense. thank you.