citalopram,constant anxiety,depression. will it ever get better?

[grace0212]

hi everyone. im 25 and in full time work, although ive been off sick for 2 weeks now

im new here, thought maybe posting on here would stop my silly brain from making me sick with anxiety for 5 mins.

Looking back at everything i can now see that i have suffered with anxiety my whole life, but it all came to a head two and a half years ago when i had a massive pannick attack on a holiday. When i got back from the holiday i was put on citalopram, propanolol and diazepam. sadly my dad died about a month later from cancer aswell which had a devestating affect on me.

Any way i found that through cbt and the meds i managed to get better and get my life back, and two years down the line i felt completely better, had moved to the other end of the country for a job promotion,new partner who is fab. life was sweet. So i decided it was time to stop taking the citalopram........... bad choice!!!

About four months after stopping citalopram ive broken down and in style!!

I was on holiday last month, it was the first time i had managed to go on holiday since my original pannick attack, i had developed a bit of a fear of going on holiday because of it. Any way the holiday was going great for the first 4 days but then boom, middle of the night pannick attack in the hotel, why? because i started to get scared thinking, what if i have a pannick attack and ruin the holiday, what if i go mad and throw myself off the balcony? sounds mad i know, it escalated to me being absolutely terrified of throwing myself off the balcony.

Since then ive never recovered.

went back to work, was a bit teary eyed now and then and feeling quite anxious but i coped for about a week.

Then it just got too much.

constant fuzzy head
being sick
constant sore stomach
not eating at all
head wont stop thinking about how im feeling, ever
cant concentrate on anything
constantly aware of my heart beat
constantly anxious, to the point i feel lke my whole body is buzzing with it
no motivation
scared to go out the house
was absolutely terrified i might go mad and hurt someone or myself, horrible thoughts
etc etc etc

back on citalopram 20mg now with propranolol, on day 15. i thought i was seeing an improvement but ive come crashing back down. i feel awfull.

i feel like im stuck in a never ending hell in my own head, like a prison thats stopping me from enjoying or doing anything.

i guess i am noticing a slight improvement with the meds so far but i just want to feel back to normal.

Do they take longer 2nd time round?

im so scared im never going to get better this time round. im meant to be back to work on monday but just the thought is terrifying me.

Anyone know how this all feels?

i guess im just looking for people to reassure me that "it" can be beaten.

i know its a long post but it feels good to write all that down

[southey]

Of course it can be beaten again, you did it before and will do it again.

The meds will take the same amount of time to work as last time so I'm afraid you are probably a week or so shy of feeling any real benefit. Keep on with it, we can feel like nothing will ever make these feelings stop but they do, I've been there 3 times now so know how you feel.

Have you ever done CBT therapy? If not it's worth a try because it teaches you ways to adjust your thinking so as to stop or control your anxiety or depression. Combined with Citalopram you should do well and when you eventually come of the pills again you will have skills to help deal with any blips in the future.

I would think you will need to be back on meds for at least a year? I have been told 18 months minimum for me as it's my third time on 'em.

Stay with the meds, one day at a time and you will be OK again in no time

Steve

edit: Re read your post and see you have tried CBT.

[grace0212]

thanks for your reply

its good to know that theres other people who know what its like to feel like this.

the side effects are petty bad too but i know they will wear off!

when i tried cbt before it was really good but i dropped out halfway through cos i thought i was much better. I think ive realised now that i wasnt and that it is something i will have to do again to try and "fix me".

its good reading what other people are going through as it makes me feel that im not alone in this.

its really difficult for me to even get off the sofa at the moment, like even finding the motivation to go and make a drink is difficult. I hope that this is just the side effects of the cit and that my motivation will come back again.

like you say i just got to take it each day at a time.

scared im gonna freak out when i go back to work on Monday! Honestly dont think im ready at all but im scared to take more time off incase i lose my job!

worry worry worry lol.

[southey]

I'm right there with you on the low motivation thing. My lack of it has stayed even though the Citalopram has eased my anxiety and panic. I have underlying depression and I'm hoping the Cit' will improve things on that front in time?

I am always banging on about using Diazepam when starting a course of SSRI's. I wish the Doc's were more on board and willing to prescribe them if only to get you through the rough starting up patch and so helping people work? If your having trouble working then a two week course of them would probably really help.

Steve.

[grace0212]

yeah too right, i totally agree with you on the diazepam thing. Last time i started citalopram i was taking 3x 5mg diazepam a day, and it was such a life saver. allowed me to get a rest from, or for when i went on my hol my own chattering mind and allowed me to slowly get back into the way of working. i was on them for about a month and a half last time.

but now ive moved and changed docs.

they have prescribed it to me a couple of times in very small amounts, for instance i hade to fly and meet my partners folks for the first time or for when i went on my holiday, as i was so nervous about flying as i have had an attack on a plane before, they have given me 6x 2mg tablets each time.

But now im in a more anxious state than ever and when i spoke to one of the docs over the phone and asked for some she said " we dont do diazepam here" what a liar! they have given it to me before, she didnt even give it a thought or listen to what i had to say. other docs at the surgery have given it to me before and this is a time when i really need them. im gonna go back before work on monday and try again.

i think if i had them to help me get back to work it would help me so much cos at the mo im just sat on the sofa not doing anythingor not speaking to anyone :(

[HELLS BELLS 27]

Hi

I have always suffered from anxiety from a young age, but mine got really bad at the age of 23. I had a breakdown after the end of a relationship so was then put on risperidone and citalopram. I eventually came of the citalopram and was very good for many years. Now 27, I'm a student nurse in a happy relationship about to move in with my boyfriend.

However my anxiety has now returned again and feeling depressed. I had a slight panic attack at uni one day, I took a diazepam which soon helped. But now I'm still feeling low I have no motivation at the minute and due to living away from home have felt very isolated.

I have start avoiding uni nights out, and this has been making me feel even lower. I went to my doctor today who said to try the citalopram again and make sure I take it everyday. I just want to feel back to my usual self and be motivated to do my work and enjoy my placement.

I know the citalopram will take a while to kick in, but just want to feel normal again, not panicky and always caring what others think.

Any advice??



xx

---------- Post added at 16:52 ---------- Previous post was at 16:49 ----------

I like grace is just looking for reassurance that I can beat it again!! xx

[southey]

Welcome hells bells,

It's just a waiting game as you know the Cit' will work eventually and like Grace you have beaten this before.

Lack of motivation sucks but the usual advice is to not isolate yourself and get out and about. Anywhere will do where you can feel comfortable it doesn't have to be a mad night out every time? Maybe just you and a couple of mates just as long as you can interact and take your mind off stuff for a while?

Stick with the Cit' and you will be right as rain again

Steve

[HELLS BELLS 27]

Thank you, I have felt the same as grace tbh, muddled, no motivation, panicky. But just feel anti social sometimes not joining in on the nights out, its just me caring too much what other people think :( my partner says I need to stop doing this! Just want to feel my confident and bubbly self again.

[grace0212]

yeah the lack of motivation does suck.

southey your right, just gotta play the waiting game with citalopram. Its a long and hard rocky road which i guess i just gotta ride out feeling a little bit better than i did this morning now, god i hate mornings at the moment

hels have you found that your nervous and feeling anxious because you are moving in with your partner and doing a new placement? I find that whenever im gonna do something new even when i was feeling better before, i would always think like, "god i hope my anxiety dosent come back and stop me from doing this", and in the end i get so anxious about being anxious and then get stuck in the worry circle.when i think about it and look back on it i should have spotted that i was going down hill again with the anxiety but i didnt, i should have went back on the citalopram sooner but i didnt and waited untill i completely broke down. if you feel your getting anxious again then the sooner you start on the cit then the better i would think

i was 23 when it all came to a head for me aswell, im gutted cos two and a half years later its all come back again after being so much better.

ah well every day is a day closer to feeling better i guess.

[HELLS BELLS 27]

I think maybe I am a little anxious about moving in with partner as its a new thing, I was the same when we first went abroad together. But Im stressed cos Ive got to pass my nursing placement so I cant afford to have any time off :( to allow the cit to take effect. I hope this anxiety will go once Im moved in. What do u think? Grace our situations seem very similar, I think we both have extreme fear of the unknown lol, I seem to feel worse in the morning, and have a constant sad face! We just have to get through one day at a time, I'm sure ul be back to urself again and ul forget u were ever down, we should stick together till we get better?? xx