* Jokes * let's have a giggle

[Zingything]

A place to post your jokes, good or bad, but please refrain from posting jokes that are offensive. There might be some swearing and adult humour so please don't read any further if that bothers you.

Here goes ....

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says,
"OK, give me a million pounds and beat me half to death."


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A married couple are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their 'courting' when they were younger.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 30 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago."



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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest bloody baby I've ever seen. eeuurgh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

[yvonne_uk_98]

a skeleton walks into bar and says "i'd like a beer... and a mop".

[Zingything]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and then made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?"
The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

---------- Post added at 14:46 ---------- Previous post was at 13:59 ----------

Oh dear ...

[yvonne_uk_98]

Glossary of PC Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

[Zingything]

[bottleblond]

[blue October]

My wife had a small tattoo on the top of her thigh today, a little sea shell.

If you put your ear close enough... you can smell the sea side

[Pipkin]

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

[Zingything]

Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. The first turns to the second and asks, “Does this food taste funny to you?!”

_______________________________________________
What should you do when you see your husband staggering?
Shoot him again.

_______________________________________________

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.

[Danny_dingle]

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?"