* Jokes * let's have a giggle

[Tish]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?.. no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?.. still no idea
(groan)

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And what do you call a fly without wings?..
A walk.

[Zingything]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[yvonne_uk_98]

When Grandma Goes to Court.

By: sharossody
Written on September 1st, 2009



Lawyers should never ask a Mississipi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think your a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cant build a normal relation ship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[Zingything]

[yvonne_uk_98]

Time to Stop

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO, 'the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

[Zingything]

[yvonne_uk_98]

Comfortable


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

[blue October]

My wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD.

"Close the door five times on your way out," I said.

[yvonne_uk_98]

A duck walks into a bar, asks for ham & cheese sandwich, barman says "we dont sell ham & cheese sandwiches.

next day, A duck walks into a bar, asks for ham & cheese sandwich, barman says "we dont sell ham & cheese sandwich.

next day, A duck walks into a bar, asks for ham & cheese sandwich, barman says " if you walk in here one more time and ask me for ham & cheese sandwich, I will nail your feet to the floor."

next day, A duck walks into a bar, asks the barman do you have any nails? barman says "No", Duck asks for Ham & cheese sandwich.

[Zingything]

I was driving along a country lane last weekend when a chicken ran past my car at 60 km per hour. I tried in vain but was unable to keep up with it. I saw it turn into the farmyard and so I followed it in.

I was amazed when I saw the yard full of chickens – all with three legs. I shouted to the farmer "that is amazing, all these chickens have three legs". "Yes, I breed them like that because me and my wife love drumsticks" said the farmer.

"Do three legged chickens taste good?" I enquired. "No idea" replied the farmer "I haven’t managed to catch one so far".

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I went into our local pet shop the other day and asked the attendant if I could by a
goldfish. The female assistant said "Would you like an aquarium"?
"I'm not bothered what star sign it is" I replied.