Grief :-(

[Savannah]

My nan passed away last Tuesday. I was at her bedside in hospital all day monday and I rushed to her Tuesday morning at 5am, but was too late to be with her, she had passed 2 minutes before I arrived.

Since my nan passed my mother hasn't once supported me, yet I have had to watch her hug my siblings, chase my brother etc.....I have tried to support her but got nothing back, to say it hurts really would be an understatement.

Yesterday we buried my nan, I said a poem with my sisters. My mum not once told us we did well, or said it was lovely. Then as my sisters left the wake she walked them to their cars, hugged them and waved them off. When I said I was leaving she just turned around and said 'Bye'. She made no effort to say goodbye to me or my children. As I walked to my car, so close to tears I turned around and saw her walking her sister to her car and waving her off. I couldn't believe it.

The day my nan died she hugged my brother and sister in the hospital but left me there crying. Honestly, I have never felt so hurt in all my life.

I was so close to my nan, I just can't believe she has gone. She had COPD and died from Pneumonia. It was such a terrible way to go and I miss her so much, I can't get over it and I have cried all day.

I am close to my mum but only because I call her and go to see her, if I stop then I don't hear from her and she makes zero effort, but if she doesn't hear from my brother she worries and rings him or goes to see if he is ok. I get nothing at all, I am just taken for granted that I am always there. It has been this way all my life, I had a tough childhood as my father was never at home, he was always in the pub. My parents divorced when I left home at 21. Since i left home she has only ever rung me twice and that was only because both times my sister made her.

My husband and friends tell me to stay away and let her come to me, but honestly she won't. If I keep my distance she will just say I am in a mood and leave me to it, she will just get nasty about it, not come to see if I am ok, because deep down she will know she has upset me and she is a very stubborn person that never apologises.

I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children. I just feel so hurt. It is hard enough trying to deal with this grief, but my mum doing this to me too, on such a tough day has knocked me for six and I don't know how to cope with my feelings. I have just sat here all day crying

[countrygirl]

Poor you. Remember the Nan you loved and who loved you and you need time to grieve for her so expect your emotions to be all over the place for quite a few months.

As for your mum, having had a dysfunctional relationship with my own mother ( she died 10 years ago) I can understand all you say. Given age and time in my case! ( I am 51) I can say that your mum is very unlikely to change towards you, there will be some reason in her mind for how she treats you although to anyone else it may not make sense, she could also have always been jealous of your close relationship with your Nan?????? I learnt that no matter what you do trying to gain approval is a lost cause, the only person who gets hurt is you and not the other person whoever they are.
Hard as it sounds for your own sake you need to distance yourself from your mum and not expect her to change towards you.

You could either leave contact with your mum and see just how long if ever before she contacts you, maybe explain what you are doing to your siblings so if necessary they could tell you mum if she starts on to them about you not contacting her or you could write a letter to her explaining how hurt you are and asking for an explantion but that one would take huge courage on your part as you would have to be prepared for big rejection.

Your life is you family, husband children, make the most of them and be determined not to repeat the errors of your monther and really enjoy them.

If you want to pm me please do as I have had alot of experience in "mothers" and could discuss things in more depth with you than here in public.

[vicky23]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Bearevement takes such a toll on us emotionally so take care of yourself, rest -as much as you can with 3 kids!!
x

[Savannah]

Thank you bith for your kind replies.

Luckily I've a fantastic husband and 3 children that keep me going x

[terror-x]

sorry about your loss but remember your mum is hurting inside alot she has lost her mum witch must be so devastating dont blame her for hurting she may just not want to show her emotion to you and she is holding it in eating her up inside you really should talk to her. tell her to let it out have a 1to 1 with her . i hope your ok x