So after a year of ignoring my risk, I'm finally going for a HIV test..

[chichu]

Hello!

I'm a newbie here and I really need some advice. I know you guys arent doctors but its hard when you cant talk to anybody about what your going through in the flesh.

I am eighteen years old and from the United Kingdom, I had a rough patch around a year ago where I had alot of unprotected sex, one of these men were from a high risk country such as Turkey with high risk anal but after many checks, the latest being this time last year, I was absolutely fine, negative and all the window time had passed (six months).

Since then I've had unprotected sex five times with five different men in one stands. They were all older and apparently ' a low risk' due to them being British and straight and they didn't use drugs and didn't sleep with too many women. This was some time ago and I've tried to convince myself by looking at facts such as a small risk of them being positive or even if one of them were then it would be even harder to pass on to me by statistics.

The sad thing is, I didnt care about not getting tested, I was going through depression at the time (hence sleeping around because I felt so desperate for affection, which I know it stupid and my fault) but now I've met a great guy and I really love him.. we are going out now and I know I have to take the test, Im petrified..
I have been told by the sexual health GP that I am going to see that I am in the 'low risk' section and Im more likely to have gotten Chlamydia or Gonorrhea but if it comes up positive then I would have to kill myself, my mother would probably die if I told her, not to mention the rest of my family, I would lose my boy, my life.. I would have to kill myself, I wouldnt know what else to do..

Im terrified.

Please help put my mind at ease?

[cassy1989]

Hey. You obviously aren't thinking straight and I will be honest, I am worried for you. You mustn't think you would have to kill your self if you had caught an STI. Yes people would be very upset but your life is worth a whole lot more and they would rather you live then any thing else!
You need to tell your doctor how you feel asap because this is serious. Thinking of commiting suicide is very serious. Please seek help and tell some one how you are feeling.

It is very unlikely you will have caught any thing untreatable anyway but still awful how you are thinking xx

[chichu]

I'm so ashamed of what I've done.. I didnt respect myself, I was bullied endlessly at school until a few years ago, I had no respect for myself or my body. I wasnt even scared of HIV, I hardly thought about it. I know its a stupid excuse but its all I've got. I thought that if I had sex with men then it would make me more confident in myself but its done the opposite. My parents and family are all very close, I know any person would be upset but I'm still my mum's baby.. it would literally make her miserable for the rest of her life and it would all be my fault. I would have to leave home and where would I go? I'd have to leave my boyfreind who is my world. Im so scared, I cant stop crying lol..

[cassy1989]

Every one makes mistakes so its not a stupid excuse at all. I'm 22 now and up until a few years ago I was pretty much the same! Which is how I ended up pregnant at 15 as well! But the past is the past and every one deserves to be able to move on from that.
Don't be scared until you know what is happening. Right now think of it as you are in the clear. If you have caught any thing it will be treatable xx

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello Chichu
Welcome to No More Panic, it's good to have you here with us

I am in total agreement and second everything that Cassy has told you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of hun...in life, we do a lot of things for a multitude of reasons, none of us are in any way perfect...everybody makes mistakes but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world and as Cassy so rightly said, we all move on in life and things we may have done should never be held against anyone...life is a learning curve and so it follows that we're not always going to get everything right.

Please don't be so hard on yourself...except yourself for who you are and hold your head up high

[chichu]

Thankyou Auntie Moosie

I just dont know what I'd do if it came back positive, I can be proud of myself but that doesnt help the situation.. it'll be literally the end of my world. I wont have anything.

Im scared.

[chichu]

Everything came back negative All is well!

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello Chichu,
Oh that's brilliant news hun, I'm so pleased for you
You've been so brave going through all that and you should be really proud of yourself hun.
I really am so happy for you hun

[willous1]

Good to hear. The fear of HIV is so bad even though the outlook is a lot brighter for HIV positive patients now. This fear has crippled me with fear in the past. The relieve is massive when you get negative test results.
Take care,
Sean

[charlotte83]

I am really pleased for you that everything came back ok Thing to do now is to move on and not beat yourself up over past mistakes. EVERYBODY makes mistakes in life and all we can do is learn from them. You have been very brave as I would literally be in pieces waiting for results so well done and I wish you lots of happiness with your new partner