Citalopram Diary day 21

[cmc46]

I'm pleased to hear that you have had a fairly good day after a bad start, I hope it got even better, know exactly what you mean about the tablets, I wish I had never started them but I am here now. I was suppose to up my dose from 10 to 20 mg today but cut a tablet in half, not very successfully so only had a small half today and 2 hours later I felt awful and haven't had a very good day, if a tiny bit makes that much difference what is a whole tablet going to do. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. xx

[Iggy131313]

Day 25

so still feel at a loose end and im not sure what to do with myself. Im trying to get on with normal life in that Im up, dressed etc and interacting with my little boy but Im not comfortable, things still feel forced and Im aware of the nagging anxiety at the back of my mind, Im trying not to feed it though. Headaches and vivid dreams continue their assault but Ill take any physical side effect over the sheer hell of the mental ones.

I begin to wonder how I will overcome the trauma of these past few weeks, but I guess if I went to the dr they would put on me on citalopram, what a joke! So hopefully once the seritonin starts its merry dance across my brain that question will answer itself.

I was so looking forward to the 6 weeks holiday (I work in a college) and I started cit 3 days before we broke up, so I havent had 1 days enjoyment out of them, quite the opposite! I doubt I will even be able to return to work at the end of August as normal, once I start to recover I think Im gonna need time to build my confidence back up and put some weight back on etc.

My husband is going to see Blur tonight in London so I have my 3 year old from 4.30 onwards alone tonight, I must admit Im nervous about it but if I hold it together and manage to look after him it will add to my small victories and hopefully boost my confidence a little. If I cant then my sister in law lives down the road but is 40 weeks preggo and was due yesterday, we are all waiting so its not ideal but my mother in law is there too so I can always get her to come and pick him up for a sleepover if I cant manage.

God, how did it get to the point where I cant manage to look after my child?!?! I was certainly not like that before I started these tablets but we have to play with the hand we are delt each round and I will recover from this and be a stronger, wiser person, Im sure of that at least. I just worry that I will be plagued with the fear of anxiety now, after what I have been/am going through with the start up effects.

I will update eaither later or tomorrow. Keep your chins up fellow sufferers and anyone feel free to PM me if you are in the same boat on these rocky old seas and need some support, god knows I do!

Caroline

[Iggy131313]

Day 25 update

ok so my hubby has now gone and I was soooo nervous about having my little boy alone for the first time, then I was crying because I was nervous and my god I dont want to be.

So I am doing it and I feel ok(ish) Im finding if I even let the word anxiety enter my head then the feeling starts creaping around me and wanting attention. To anyone who has been through this, once the cit kicks in will it stop that feeling? I really believe from the bottom of my heart that Citalopram has given me issues that Ill never get rid of like the constant fear of anxiety, please anyone who is better let me know if this will stop?

I guess Im still having other side effects (if the anxiety is still a side effect) like headaches and jaw clenching and stuff so it could still be raised anxiety from the cit but in a lesser form, or it could be the trauma caused by 4 weeks of pure hell. who knows, but i am sick to the back teeth of iot, why did my dr not warn me that I would loose weeks, no, months of my life in total misery and fear?? not fair.

[Iggy131313]

Day 26

I can feel myself recovering, the mornings are no longer hell on earth and even when I think of anxiety this morning its not there, I think another weeks tlc and rest should see me right, and the fact that Im saying that is HUGE in itself.

The reason Im blogging about it is in the early weeks I was so desperate for information I read every post on this forum looking for peoples journey through this and I know there will be people in the future wanting to see a happy ending so here I am on day 26 saying things are starting to get better.

over the past couple of weeks I lost hope, everything I read was saying the first 2 weeks are the worst and for me, the first 4 weeks have been terrible but I can feel the cloud begin to lift.

I woke up anxiety free again, dont get me wrong, I still fear what the day will bring and worry about the feelings coming back but at least I can now say that if it takes another week or 2 then its not the end of the world, we just have to wait it out and try to rebuild normal life slowly and carefully.

Maybe in a couple of weks I wont even think slowly and carefully, perhaps I will be like, BANG, IM BACK! but we shall see.

My headaches are the worst they have been and last night in bed it was intense but somehow I find the headaches reassuring because I think, well if Im still having those side effcets then the feelings of trepidation could still be mild side effcets too.

2 more tablets to take before I finish my second strip (I take them at 7pm) and then start a new packet. each time I finish a 2 week strip I feel even more hopeful, cant be much longer now. So I will take a week or 2 to try and rebuild my confidence and try not to focus on how Im feeling too much, although that seems impossible at times.

Chins up people. x

[Serenitie]

Good for you for being so strong and weathering the storm. Also for sharing your experiences to help others

I hope that your day is kind to you. Take care

[cmc46]

So glad things are starting to turn a corner, I'm now on day 19 and not far behind, had quite a good day yesterday on 15mg, going to take two more days at 15 and then start on 20mg.

[Iggy131313]

Day 27 update

So not a great day really, trying all day to fight off the bad feelings and vibes until in the evening just broke down sobbing for AGES!

Its so exhausting and gets so down so much these constand bad feelings and just when I think I may be turning a corner WHAM I start feeling bad again, you just cant trust the good feelings.

again, at least the big cring session made me realise the cit has not kicked in yet as I was starting to think that they would never work for me and I should be feeling ok by now but I guess I will have to be patient for a bit longer. Tuesday to Friday are a little easier for me as my beautiiful little one is at nursery so thats less pressure.

---------- Post added at 09:46 ---------- Previous post was at 07:41 ----------

Day 28

so today marks the 4 week target!

Im going to go out to the shop, bites nails!!!

Im determined to help myself recover so a little walk out will help me prove to myself that I can begin to recover from citalopram hell.

So a new book and get the stuff in for tea, wish me luck people.

Im finding it easier to get up with my boy in the mornings and things that I found overwhelming like doing the washing up I can now do fine, so its a step in the right direction eh?

I will update after I have dared to leave the house, big lols, I cant believe this is me talking, I am such a happy go lucky person usually, always good humoured and known as 'chirpy' but now Im scared to leave the house!!!! It would be hilarious If I wasnt so sad.

Ok, brace yourself Caroline and go for it!!!!

[Iggy131313]

Day 28 Update

hmmmm, the saga continues... I was ready and willing to venture out to the shops this morning, I had my list, I had a treat in store (a new book) and I was bloody well determined to do it.

So off I went in a break in the rain and I did it, I bought the stuff for tea, and some treats and the book from my favourite little book shop but anxiety was creeping all over me, outrageous, how dare it follow me around!!!

So I sobbed and balled all the way home, collapsing on the living room floor as a failure and having basically a mini tantrum, its not fair, why cant I go to the shops etc etc.

But truth be told its bloody ridiculous, I feel like Im having chemo for a cold here, I would have a panic attack maybe once a year AT MOST , and now Im scared to go out of my front door, it makes me angry people, very angry and I was not warned about how these things would make me feel but theres no going back now I only have to hope that it will only be a week or 2 before I start seeing some benifits from the citalopram because all they have brought me so far are more issues than I started with and an inability to live my normal life..Chemo for a cold.

On the whole I feel ok in the house, but I have to keep my mind busy because it it focuses at all on how Im feeling then the bad feelings come on, but Im beginning to look at improvements week to week instead of day to day and this time last week I was refusing to get out of bed and wailing and sobbing at my mum down the phone (she lives in spain) so an improvement from last week and maybe next week I will be better still.

LOving the tudors, I have started to watch that again and Henry VIII is a very very sexy man (not the historical one, just the actor) so a little distraction in many ways!

Headaches have ramped up a notch, not lasting as long but more intense a short sharp blast of pain, and I still PONG!! probably as much as Henry VIII did *giggles* the swaeting is a joke, I am usually very well turned out, a bit hippy but clean and fresh, now its more like ripe and damp, sexy eh?

Also the trembling continues, shaking arms and legs but the whole body shakes seem to have gone, and my teeth are of course firmly held together as any self respecting citalopram taker does, its the only way to keep your teeth isnt it? Very VERY firmly held together, so you can imagine a shaking, jaw clenching, stinky sobbing wreck...anyone fancy a date? LOL

[southey]

I wouldn't call your shopping trip a failure, it seems like you did all you needed and got what you went for? Anxiety aside quite a success!

It's quite easy to get a bit agoraphobic when you feel pants on these tablets. I found it best to get out for little walks(the thought of shopping would have me in horrors). Head down at first not looking at anyone but day by day each was an improvement going further, longer and eventually striding around like I owned the place

Keep on with it, you have seen some improvement week to week and this should only improve.

Well done,

Steve

[Iggy131313]

Day 29

hmmmm, have woken up this morning in a bit of a bad way, not as bad as the past few weeks but not great, I was having cold sweats all night and when I woke up my arms and legs were shaking, I felt sick, my jaw was very tight and anxiety was creeping around me. I got up and smoked 3 cigarettes and bewailed my lot, I feel like crying.

I guess that means that the cit hasnt kicked in yet?

Someone please reassure me...If im waking up with those symptoms and feeling like crying then surely it hasnt kicked in yet, but will soon?