panic about son being depressed ...

[paradox]

I have quite debilitating anxiety problems. One of my main triggers is the emotional state of my son [only child syndrome]

He's all grown up. Hasn't lived at home since he left for University. But if he's unhappy I can't cope and generally spiral into panic. And he's really struggling just now.... relationship break up, hates his job, friends moving on to pastures new. Just generally dissatisfied with his life. Has lost all confidence in himself. He doesn't seem to be able to get to a place where he can start to help himself get out of this rut. I've suggested seeing his Doctor. But he's adamant he doesn't need this kind of support. And I'm banned from suggesting it anymore. He said he wants to work through this himself.

I need to know if this is a common thing for parents to get worked up about. And that as a grown man he will go through hard times but can come out the other side relatively unscathed. I have a tendency to catastrophise everything. In my head I've had him getting so ill; he'll lose his job, lose his flat and end up homeless [because of my state support I couldn’t take him in].

He's miserable.... but I'm demented. Do kids [okay adults] go through this stuff and come out the other side okay? I never have. I don’t have that ability.

I don't know what to do. And I’m the only one he’ll open up to. I feel I can't cope with another phone call where he sounds so despondent. I'm really in a panic and I think I'm going to have to take meds before I completely spiral.

I just want him to be okay ... but that's not in my control.

[BobbyDog]

I think that any Mum will empathise with you, the feelings you are having in my opinion are normal, if it were my son I would be no different. Easy for me to say, but it may help you if you could take a small step back from the situation.

take care.

[Annie0904]

I know what you mean about being anxious about your children. My Youngest is 22 now (finished uni and living away from home) and I am always anxious about all my children. They have got to the point were they don't tell me things they are doing until after they have done it! When my youngest was 16 he went to France to meet up with a friend and parents who had a house there, I got so anxious about him flying there on his own that I was in bed for a week! When they were going to uni I was crying going round the supermarket buying things for them to take. Your son is right, he needs to work through this himself if that is what he wants. I know that my youngest is quite down at the moment because he is not happy in his job but I am trying to distance myself from it. he knows I am here if he needs me and me stressing about it is not going to help him. I am sure your son will be able to work through what he wants to do and come through it fine. All of my kids went through something similar after leaving uni. My oldest 2 have come through it and couldn't be happier now. From uni into the big wide world is a big step but they will work it out. It won't stop us worrying about them but we do need to distance ourselves and let them work things out, so long as they know we are here if they need us.

[shotokansho]

I'm the same. Single mum and worried about my son. He is 15 and I know that he's smoking weed and cigarettes. He's going into his final year in school and has all his exams to deal with. He does suffer with anxiety and gets paranoid, he has also suffered hallucinations. My main worry is that he will end up like me, self harming and suicide attempts and in and out of hospital. He is seeing someone at child mental health at our local hospital.
The thing is my son is only 15 and I can force him to get help because he is still a minor, where as your son is old enough. I do agree with others that your son needs to sort this for himself, as he is at that age. Just be there for him when he needs you and advise him the best you can, that's all you can do.

kez xx

[Richard1960]

Hi.
There i only so much you can do as you cannot follow your son everywhere he goes,a step back would be good as if you become too emotionally involved it could cloud your judgement,difficult i know but essential.

Its very possible he will get tired of it on his own if you do this but be there in case he needs you.

I am a dad of two boys luckily i did not have these problems but rest assured from what you say he is getting some support from the hospital.

I wish you all the best.

Richard.

[paradox]

Thank you so much for all your replies.

They've been enormously helpful. Just normalising my feelings but also [in my mind] giving me permission to 'step back'. I am aware of the fact that I'm too involved and I do think my stressing does not help my son at all.

He has become too accustomed to using me as a dumping ground for everything that is negative in his life. I blame myself for this. Single mother ... with mental health problems ... trying desperately to make sure that my offspring doesn't 'turn out like me'.

He's not me. And I tend to forget that. I think being too available to him has built into something sailing dangerously close to co-dependency. I do need to step back and try to let him work this out himself. Because frankly, I'm not going to be around forever. He really needs to build another source of support ... be it friends, my ex-husband etc ...

Thank you again. Take care and have a peaceful Sunday.

[kittikat]

My son (also adult age) went through a very similar experience and it worried me sick. He eventually 'broke down' one night after a few drinks and my partner took him to A&E. He was advised to see the GP and given some helpline numbers, which of course he didn't call.

As it was causing me so much distress, I eventually sat him down, explained how worried I was and what I was going through and talked him round. I booked him a doctors appointment, he was put on citalopram and within days was a changed person. He was on it for around 6 months and I'm happy to say he has almost completley turned himself around.

It's not an easy issue for you to deal with and I'm not sure what the best way forward is for you. Only you know your son and the impact this is having on both of you. As long as he knows you are there for him, he may eventually relent. I wish you luck and hope you can reach a happy medium between you.

Kitti

[Trbfan]

I kind of wish my mom was like you. Being 21 with serious health anxiety, possibly depression. I know my mom worries about me with like, what im doing..but there is just a huge disconnect with whats a mental issue and whats not. I tell her I don't feel good all the time, and am anxious, all I get is "well you bring it on yourself."...How...It feels like I barely have control of it? So frustrating.