Who am I?

[Intrepid_Explorer]

Hey

I'm really interested to find out, particularly from other people who suffer from dysthymia, if anyone's had the feeling that they've lost their sense of 'self'.

It's incredibly difficult to describe in any accurate way, but when i'm depressed i feel like i lose grip of who i am. I don't just mean that i feel like a vacuous shadow of my former self, i mean that when i look inside myself, i can't figure out who i am - what's my personality? It's like i'm running on auto-pilot and although i can do a very good impression of a normal human being, much of the time it feels like an act. There's no spontaneity, no charisma, no person - just a body with some pre-scripted stock responses to certain situations.

I feel like I'm going through the motions of life but not really engaging with it in any meaningful way and i know that this is a symptom common to depression but i feel that it affects me more than most. From the accounts, i've read of people who are depressed both on here and on various other sites, people still seem to have interests, passions, humour, charisma - there seems to be a 'person' underneath the depression. I feel like i've lost that. My depression seems to come from within myself - it's not caused by any external situations in my life, at least nothing of significant, i just have a fundamental unease with my 'self'.

And one of the ways this manifests itself (and this probably the biggest problem i have with depression) is that i constantly question my self. I'm wracked with self-doubt and i'm forever worrying about how i come across to other people and my interactions with them - what do they think of me? do they think i'm this or that? etc, etc - i'd say it's bordering on obsessive and really characterises my depression/anxiety.

I can't simply 'be' with my depression. I'm forever questioning how depression manifests itself within me, and how i in turn appear to the outside world - How do people see me? Ultimately, its a fear of being judged.

Sorry this is so incoherent - one of the problems i have with depression is that it seems to affect my ability to think straight.

Any thoughts?

Cheers
IE

[barbn]

I was just reading your and thought to myself this could have been me writing this - I suffer from both anxiety and depression. I have made some bad choices and life has thrown me a few curve balls - I was sitting on my couch the other day realizing there was only one feeling I really felt - numb. I just kind of get up in the morning and move through the day. I laugh when appropiate, get angry when I should - but I don't feel any of it really. The thing is, I don't think anyone outside of myself knows - I hide it so well. I can force myself to do just about anything - I guess you can call that self controll. Now don't get me wrong - I sure don't want to be like this and am willing to do what it take to move into a more "normal" exitance. Whether it be medication or talking to someone - but while I figure this out, it sure does suck for lack of a better term!

[Dave238]

totally get you, feel like that too, like i'm just not me any more. one way of looking at it, an opportunity to try out new things and see if anything comes up. At least its something to do in the meanwhile!
I tried this and it did help, just now i've hit a point where there's no energy, and the general and social fear is higher than ever.
Sometimes I think that the me before was just this mould constructed by other peoples expectations, because i was so beholden to wanting to please, or afraid to not please them. i try not to care now, and sometimes it works and i feel a lot more at ease. it is rare though, and something i just gotta keep on doing.

[mrk74]

Same here, been like it for a whille now. Feel detached from the world. It's a normal feeling with depression and anxiety so ive been told. someone can be talking to me and im just not taking in a word that they are saying. its like they are not really there. I feel numb.

[johnielov]

There's a time where I feel just how you feel. It seems like I don't even know who I am. I'm doing self pity the whole time and I get so frustrated to get rid of that kind of feeling but I feel so helpless and hopeless to get out of that darkness. It just feel so good to have a friends like mine that lift me up whenever I'm in my downfall. So I hope you have a friends too that can help and comfort you in times like this. anyway I can be your friend too just in case you want to. here's a hug for yah