*Triggering* What to do when you have tried everything?
Firstly sorry if this is not allowed here but I need to write it somewhere and be honest and open about what's going through my head. This is a long post and I would like to say thank you if you take the time to read it all.
Around the age of five I noticed I was different from other people, I wasn't able to work out how but I knew I was. At about five and a half years old I took a penknife and cut a wrist because I no longer had an interest in living, I didn't know why but in my mind it was the correct thing to do. I obviously didn't push hard enough or the knife was blunt, either way there was only a little blood and I hid it from my mother.
At the age of 11 I went to boarding school. This was a new experience for me and quite scary. The same way of thinking was still there but to a lesser extent.
I enjoyed this time for a while until one day the head 'feeling' came back to a very strong degree. I was at the school chapel at the time. I picked up my things, walked back to my room, took a pair of scissors and cut my arms over 100 times. These were only superficial cuts but I enjoyed it. I was working downwards towards my wrists but got caught.
I was then taken to the school sanatorium where I was asked why I had done that, again I had no reason but it seemed the right thing to do.
Following this I was ordered to counselling lessons and my mother booked me in as an outpatient at the Priory. I saw my first psychologist when I was 13 and he diagnosed me with various things and tried me on Depakote.
Over the next six years things went up and down and I tried various a further nine antidepressants, one antipsychotic and a few benzodiazepines. I continued to self harm until the age of 20, the only reason for stopping was the distress it was causing my family.
At the age of 20 a relationship ended, I got mauled by two German Shepards, held up at gun point whilst working in a Threshers and had a horrible stomach infection. Soon after that I developed and was diagnosed with Severe OCD. From there things changed even further and I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, followed by Generalised Anxiety Disorder and lastly 'Emotional Dysregulation'.
The overwhelming viewpoint in my head has stayed the same since the age of five with me still having no interest in life and feeling very different compared to other people.
I have tried numerous medications, counselling, behavioural therapies, diets, etc. None of them have made much of a difference. If anything my head has become worse.
This is not a suicide threat so please don't take it as one, this is merely writing down the thoughts going through my mind. I have a small desire to live but it's small, very small. If I had a gun I would not be here.
One of the problems I have identified is that I don't understand other people, I obviously understand what people are saying, and it's hard to explain what I mean by that but I hope someone using this forum will understand.
I have also explored my past with a well qualified psychologist and not come up with much. I had a standard childhood although I did fall out of a window as a baby but I doubt that has much to do with it. There are a lot more thoughts running through my mind at the moment but I think I have written enough, any more and this will look like a book.
If you have read this far then I would like to say thank you.
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