controled by control freak help

[patricias]

hi, i havent used this site for a while because i was feeling better, my fear of driving is going i even have a little car, i am started a small job soon and i am meeting people and enjoying it, but my partner is tightening his grip on me the more i get independant, and i think hes trying to make me loose my new found confidence, hes starting to ban me from talking to people, well men actually, on my own i have to be in his sights at all times. he has forbidden me to take the dog a walk down the road because i pass men in an office, and just now he threatened that if i dare walk down there again on my own he will f me off as soon as look at me, and the grip he has on me is starting to get tighter and tighter, please i am begining to question my own actions to the degree i will be afraid to talk to people again. can anyone see my problem and help, he says i am playing a very dangerous game but all i can see is that i am making friends.

[spawn]

I dont think you are doing anything wrong? No one should be controled like that!
Think you need to sit down and talk about it.

[Mr Brownstone]

Has he got any hold over you? e.g. do you live with him, is he the money-earner etc? Because its time to get out. From what you say, he doesnt sound like he'd be willing to talk about it.

[patricias]

yes, hes got loads of holds on me, i live with him, he looks after the money to the degree even though it is a joint account i am not allowed to use it unless i get his permission. but worse than this i have been his carer for last 5 years.. who can i confide in. and yes you are right, i tried to talk to him and he intimidated me more.

[Mr Brownstone]

Is it his house or a joint mortgage? When you say you need his permission, is that officially, or just what he says?

This doesnt sound like its going to get better, you need to start making plans to get away. No man should ever make his woman feel scared of him.

[patricias]

just what he says, ive just tried to reason with him but he turns it round to say its me intimidating him. is this typical, so i defyed him to see what he did, but i am still playing a dangerous game apparantly, because i know that there are no reasons other than the control he looses, but my situation is he will win in the end again because hes so strong minded over me. sometimes i am at a complete loss as to how to handle it, the doctor gave me a few knock out tablets a few weeks ago i was so disraught over one of his latest rules. in theory getting out sounds ok but in practice well, i am 60 now and apart from him getting worse my life in general is getting better, as i said i have even got a job in 2 weeks and will be allowed to keep my wages., thats another black area, i also have a little car of my own now, but i am in a complete whirlwind over this, and so angry,

[Mr Brownstone]

So do you not have any relatives you can go to? A joint bank account normally means that either of you can take money out (unless you signed something at the time to say you need both signatures...this is unlikely though)
To me you've got 2 options, get out or put up with it. And why on earth should you put up with it?

[patricias]

i have 2 daughters that have both told me not to put up with him and to go to them at any time, but they live in edinburgh which is a good 100 miles or more from me and they only have city flats. thing is i dont see why it should be me that goes, i should stand my ground, stay here with the new friends i have made because i know that they would support and help me. i think its him that should go, maybe i should defy him more play this dangerous game i am suppoosed to be playing and just see how he handles it, its an interesting idea because i think i would be the one supported by the people here, i think i may be growing strong enough to try, i have already overcome such a lot of my problems that is why he is tightening the leash more. i can see his game more clearly. yes i think these threads with you have helped me. thank you for your replys

[Tufty]

Dear Patricias,

This is abuse, it is not acceptable, this kind of controlling behaviour is illegal and you will not change him. Check out the Refuge website, the behaviour that you have cited is all there - you may be his carer but you do not have a healthy, normal relationship with this man. You are only 60, you have transport and a job to start, you have a life to look forward to, get out now, it will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever do but you sound trapped and unhappy.
The refuge website has lots of helpful advice including finding safe accomodation. They also have a freephone helpline, now you've started talking about this - don't stop.

---------- Post added at 20:45 ---------- Previous post was at 20:41 ----------

I wouldn't advise playing games with him, like you say it could get dangerous. I agree you shouldn't have to move away from your friends and your job but you cannot make him move out. Have you looked at local flats or could the council help?

[Mr Brownstone]

I think you've nailed it on the head. He sees you becoming more free and he's therefore tightening the leash as you say. You have been experiencing a new level of freedom recently, and its obvious you are enjoying it. Dont let this man ruin it. Either go now, or you are sentencing yourself to the rest of your life like this. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life in fear? No. You know what you have to do. The only "problem" is getting him to go instead of you, but I would love to think thats now the only issue. The first step is admitting to yourself that you are going to end this relationship, its just a matter of how.