Your Opinion Please, I'm Stuck.

[hempchick]

Hello all, I really have no idea what is going on with me. I have never experienced this before.
Last summer (2011) I got with my boyfriend. We worked at the same job. I didn't want to date him at first, I'll admit, because he seemed like a 'friend zone' type of guy and wasn't terribly manly. I soon was contradicted and we have had a wonderful relationship now for over a year.
When our job ended, (it was seasonal) he got a job at an auditing firm and I got a job as a teacher's assistant at a private school. I was happy for him, especially since he comes from a humble background, very self disciplined, etc.

About halfway through the year I had these scary thoughts out of nowhere that I was falling out of love with him. Those transformed into "ok, now I know I love him, but what if he doesn't love me that much?" As you can imagine this caused me a great deal of depression and anxiety and I was not successful at my job, always felt looked down upon and tried to keep my fears from him.
The depression got worse this summer because I was unemployed. The school didn't think I was mentally ready to take on the challenge of leading summer school.
I have become so down on myself. I can't understand the good things that people say about me, I feel like a loser, I've gained more weight. But the strangest thing is:
For whatever reason, I feel like I resent my boyfriend.
If I do, it is for no reason at all. He is very supportive of me, always complimenting me, wanting to do nice things with me.
And yet, whenever I get into discussions with him I feel stupid. He doesn't make me feel stupid. It's just that he's so educated, and I had to be in remedial classes all of high school... He has a great job and is making a lot of money, he has his own place.. I work 4 hours a day for $10/hr and live with my mom.
I don't want to feel this way towards him. I don't want to feel unsuccessful when I'm with him. But I feel like I'm totally angry at myself and am somehow taking it out on him.
Anyone else experience this? Any advice?
I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my stupid insecurities.

[BobbyDog]

You are right it is your insecurities/paranoia/anxiety that are causing you to feel the way you do about your boyfriend. I would try not to worry too much, you have had your ups and downs and been together through good times and bad, so it seems that he loves you very much. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better so that you can start to move forward with your life.

take care.

[hempchick]

I think you are right. I also have ROCD, so when I'm not sad about something in our relationship, I'm worrying about whether or not I love him or just not feeling anything at all. Like last night I broke down to him, and he comforted me, and instead of feeling really warm and safe like I usually do, I didn't feel anything. I just felt blank. And still feel that way today. I don't know why I'm like that either. Could that also be from insecurities?

[BobbyDog]

I think you are right. I also have ROCD, so when I'm not sad about something in our relationship, I'm worrying about whether or not I love him or just not feeling anything at all. Like last night I broke down to him, and he comforted me, and instead of feeling really warm and safe like I usually do, I didn't feel anything. I just felt blank. And still feel that way today. I don't know why I'm like that either. Could that also be from insecurities?

That could be a combination anxiety/insecurity.
The best thing to do is find something else to worry about it will take you mind off your relationship. It always works for me I find some other catastrophe about to happen.