My Diary

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I should really have kept a diary all along. I've decided to start one now, so that I can see more clearly what progress I'm making.

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10

Hasn't really been too bad a day by my standards. I normally wake up with my mrs at about 6.45 and go round to hers so that she can have a shower there. We've talked and decided that it isn't working because I feel grim all day after getting up at that time. So, this morning she went round on her own and I stayed in bed. She then called me when it was time for me to pick her up and take her to work. I couldn't really sleep any more, but it was a break from the routine and it was a slightly more relaxing way to start the day.

After I'd dropped her and her brother off at work (I'm resenting dropping him off at the moment because it's well out of my way and he used to play for my football team, but he messed me about- I've considered asking him for petrol money, but I can imagine the mother in law turning round and saying how much she's paid for our wedding and that's the least we could do for her...... so I'm not being very assertive, I know). Anyway, after I'd dropped them off at work I went for a bit of a swim and a sauna.

I then got my hair cut. The hairdresser asked if he'd taken enough off and I asked him to do a bit more (assertiveness brownie points!). I did feel a bit unwell sat in the chair though for some reason.

After that I came back and picked my gran up and took her shopping for food for my brother's wedding tomorrow. I do find trudging round with someone (esp. shopping) one of the most depressing experiences and it makes my body feel really heavy. I did try and lift myself by using a bit of initiative and going off on my own for things.

After that I met my fiancee for lunch. I wasn't going to because I had a lot to do today and because I'm concerned about spending too much, but she's made a really big effort recently to control her temper and put me first, so I agreed to meet her. The waitress brought out the wrong thing and rather than just accept it, I explained that it wasn't what I'd ordered...more assertiveness brownie points.

I am a bit concerned that it's my brother's wedding tomorrow and I'm best man that I haven't finished my speech yet.

I'm also annoyed that my dad had a heart attack about 3 months ago and, after doing really well at not smoking, he's now back on them again. I've got him self-help books from the library, but he's not interested in reading them.

I'm also a bit concerned about all the different fractions of my family coming together tomorrow. My mum and dad split up about 17 years ago. My fiancee doesn't really get on with my dad and his mrs. I've had a bit of a fall out with my other gran. The bride to be has social anxiety (I thinK) and needs to get hammered before being with people!!!!

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I've been writing a best man speech over the last couple of days. I've been best man once before and the speech part of it went great. I do wonder though, because I can be very slovenly, lethargic and lazy, whether I summon up adrenaline to get a bit of life and urgency into myself, but that I get too much or I can't handle it, because I get hysterical with it.

I've had this throughout my life. When I had french lessons at school I used to really work myself up so that my palms were clammy and I was practically hyper-ventilating.

Anyway, my speech. I'm trying to get out of a lose-lose mentality about it. I could be perfectionist and spend weeks on it, asking family members for anecdotes, or I could do a half-arsed, last-minute job and copy and paste it off the internet. Either way, I'd never feel satisfied with myself.

I'm trying something a bit different this time. I'm not getting too worked up about it, because I know that it is only going to be close family there anyway and they'd support me whatever my speech was like and, besides, most speeches go down well even if it's just nervous laughter.

I've done 3 pages. I've made it a bit personal. I'm not being offensive. It's quite a nice speech.

I'm not dreading the day like I might have done in the past. I feel ok. Not super confident, but quietly confident. I have organised groups of people that I have never met before with my sports teams and I know that I'm not as scared of people as i used to be. I don't even feel like I need to take beta blockers.

Ok, I don't feel physically brilliant. But I have felt much, much worse than this. Tomorrow, will be another important step in my recovery. I'm positive.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[kate]

Wow, you have been busy and have done very well in my opinion!

Try to relax and enjoy yourself tomorrow. Hope it all goes well!

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 5/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6.5/10

My uncle wouldn't make a speech at his only daughter's wedding because of fear. The landlord of my local pub now won't go abroad again because of his fear of flying. My mrs's auntie's mum died because she was too scared to have treatment for cancer.

Atleast I am prepared to face my fears. I'd love to be the sort of person that goes and climbs Everest on my week off (and I put a lot of pressure on myself for not being like that), but, given the disadvantage that I have, I'm doing really, really well. Making a speech at my brother's wedding today is my Everest.

I've just been watching GMTV and they have shown lots of holiday destinations, the weather... the concept of the world and it's vastness makes me feel very anxious. I'd love to go to 'paradise', but actually doing it fills me with dread and tension. There was an advert for a museum in Yorkshire and even that made me feel depressed, the thought being 'I wouldn't be able to have fun there, I'd feel sick and anxious....I won't ever be able to have fun anywhere!' I know that that is a prime example of faulty thinking.

I also think 'everyone else can go where they like and have a good time...I'm not normal...I'm never going to get better'. I know too that thinking like that isn't factually accurate and keeps me trapped in a state of depression.

Th facts are that I am feeling a lot better than I have done. I don't hyperventilate or have full blown panic attacks like I used to. I don't have the urge to hurt myself as strongly as i used to. I don't use rescue remedy as much as I used to. I've met a lot more people recently whom I am developing relationships with. I don't feel as unreal as i used to. I have a long term plan now. I know myself much better and I know the faulty thinking that I need to try and replace and I have a better idea of how to do it. I don't use drugs or drink to excess like I used to. I have got back into playing sport again. I have more interest in learning again. I want to beat my fears. I am trying to proactively relax. I don't dread things as much as I used to. I don't worry about little things as much as I used to. I am becoming stronger every day!!

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 8/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression8/10
Confidence 3/10
Relaxation 2/10
Stress 8/10

It's a funny pattern that I've noticed, after doing something good and feeling strong I feel awful again. Yesterday I was best man at my brother's wedding and I fulfilled my duties without being too nervous at all. I didn't even drink that much either. But then today I have felt terrible with depression and panic again. We were sat in the pub having breakfast at about lunch time and I felt more panicky than I have done in a long time- sweaty palms, tight chest.

I could put it down to eating much later in the day than I normally do, the stress of the previous day or the four pints I had at night.

It had annoyed me that two of my uncles had been laughing about me being scared of motorways, bridges, flying.... anything slightly challenging or dangerous. It wouldn't be worth me even trying to explain how I feel to them so I tried to laugh it off.

I haven't been feeling great though. I've felt really weighed down with depression, really tired and lethargic. I've also had disturbing thoughts such as thinking about what I am actually made of and then realising how fallible I am or worrying about finding myself about to take my own life.

I do keep trying to step out of it and seeing the faulty thinking. Even though I'm trying to be more assertive I know that I still let other people impose their expectations on to me- uncles and aunties might mock me and ask what the point of me going to University is if all I'm going to do is stack tins of beans. It does really infuriate me actually. People that I might only see a couple of times a year feeling that they have the right to judge me.

The reason that it especially annoys me is because I don't know what to say to them to rebuff their comments, I'd probably end up being offensive and I don't want another black mark against my character. So, the only way I know how to react is to think 'I'll show them!' and all that really does is to heap more pressure on myself. I suppose what I really should do is to point out the positive things that I am already doing, such as building a website, volunteering and helping the mayor with a major funraising project. They would probably come out with something like 'Yeah, but is it paying? Is it going to lead to a job?'- and so it would go on, them never really being impressed.

The way I percieve things is that I'm the son of the black sheep of the family and even though I'm smart and I've been to University, because of my faults I am the black sheep, but only with less charm than my dad.

i don't know why I let it bother me. They're not people that I especially care about. They don't really know me that well. Infact, they probably don't even have an opnion on me and all this stuff is in my own head.

I know that I'm a people-pleaser and that i want everyone to like me and be impressed by me, but my depression and anxiety repels people, which makes me even more depressed and anxious.

I know that I need to relax and that I need to do things for myself, not because of other people.

There were positives last night too. My fiancee has always had a fraught relationship with my gran, my dad and his missus. It's her time of the month (which is always bad), plus there has been the stress of my brother's wedding, but she's been magnificent. She's had a brilliant attitude and she's been buying rounds of drinks for my family, having a laugh and a joke with them and it's been excellent.

Personally, I helped to lay the buffet out last night- normally I wouldn't because I'd be afraid of getting told off for doing something wrong..... that is where I really lack confidence.... I'm 30 for christ's sake, get a grip!! And today, I put all the clothes that needed returning back in their packaging..... normally I would leave them lying around for days or expect someone else to do it.

A couple of observations. There are lots of people that I have noticed who I feel are much more negative thinkers than myself: my fiancee for one is

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10

I'll try and keep this post short as I don't want to crash the site. I guess that I feel about 7 out of 10 real and it's the not quite feeling real that is causing me a lot of problems. When I'm driving I think 'what would happen if I crashed my car?'. Because I don't feel totally real it's harder for me to think of my actions having consequences.

I feel like I've hit a bit of a plateau with a number of my projects. It's like me to feel like throwing in the towel as soon as the learning curve levels out, so it's a bit of a testing time for me. My girls football team is coming on nicely (after a row about the number of deaf girls that one player was bringing), the netball team is doing pretty well, the lads football teams need a bit of work- the first team had a ten match unbeaten run, but players are away on holiday and I've had to call players up from the second team. Basically, I need 18 players there every week if possible and a lot are not turning up, so I'm scrambling to get a team together and we're short on match fees. I've decided to get both teams together before the first match and to invite 20 players. I know there are 2 who don't really mind not playing, so if everyone turns up I'm still covered.

Anyway, I suppose my point is that being proactive and trying to get things done can be very frustrating because of human nature. You will always find people who unsettle the group or want to put their needs first. There are always people who promise to come and then never do. It is very frustrating, but I suppose that the bright side is that, at the end of the day, I'll have several groups of people who I know will turn up every time and who are easy to work with.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10

I feel like I'm finally getting to the root of why I've been depressed for so long. The person that I want to be is confident, charming, assertive, brave.... I'm depressed/ frustrated because I feel so far away from the person that I want to be.

I feel like I do let people walk over me too easily but, because I lack assertiveness skills, if I was to try and assert myself it would be in an aggressive, unconvincing and brash way. I think it would probably do me some good to go to assertiveness classes.

The mistake that I often make is to look at people who are pushy or overbearing and think that that is how I need to act to be able to assert my authority. I know that I don't like the behaviour myself, but I begin to feel that it must be acceptable and that people may actually begrudgingly admire it. That's where I start to get confused and my behaviour becomes erraritic.

I also wonder whether I'm mentally weak for suffering from depression and anxiety for so long or whether I'm mentally strong for not letting it beat me or giving up because of it.

I'm constantly looking for role models, people that I admire to see what I should be doing and how I should be leading my life. It can be very difficult to find people to admire though. The good thing about being associated with my local gym is that the people who go there are more likely to be more motivated than the avaerage person and I have met people who are really active and love to push themselves and it's been a bit of an inspiration.

When I was really ill and I had urges to hurt myself I used to wonder 'what's stopping me?'. It's really scary because you feel like you don't have control of yourself and you have these urges.... I know now that those urges were just phantoms and that I DID actually have control of myself. I've been thinking that maybe my self-preservation instinct is too strong. The reason that I don't want to fly or go far from home is because I fear something happening to me. It's the same reason that I put up barriers to stop people getting close to me. I need to accept that there are dangers in life and that I'll have to deal with whatever comes my way. I can't have total control over life. The way to have fun is to take risks... relax and let go.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 7/10

While I was waiting for my mrs to get ready for work this morning GMTV was on. The reason that I mention it is because I've kind of been looking for role models, because I struggle with who I am, what I want out of life, what I'm interested in, the tone I take with people, my attitude. Ben Shephard was on and I thought 'I could see him being a really good mate. He'd be supportive, he'd really be up for things, he's very grounded, charming, smart, fun, unflappable.' I don't know whether I imagined I had him encouraging me or whether I imagined that I was seeing the world through his eyes, but I did feel more confident and that the world is an opportunity rather than a threat.

I went swimming and, if I felt a bit anxious, I was saying to myself 'Ben Shephard, Ben Shephard'!!!

I know that I do need to be my own person, but it's great to have more of an idea about the person that I want to be. I used to work with Matt Brown, who presents ITV2's coverage of Love Island and he's very much the same sort of person- really friendly and 'attractive'. no nastiness at all, not interested in celebrity parties, drugs or sleeping around. Really stable, really positive attitude. They are just the sort of Role models that I need because my ideal used to be the 'Primrose Hill set': promiscuity (I wish!), arrogance, excess, superficiality.

I'm only 30, so this might sound a bit wierd too, but Noel Edmonds has been a bit of an inspiration. Not neccessarily his beard and jumpers, but the fact that he has been his own person. He's had good instinct and business sense. The things that I really admire are that he had the courage and drive to learn how to fly a helicopter, that he had the strength to come through the break up of his marriage, that he is clear-headed and confident enough to take a year out from his comeback show Deal or No deal to go back backing around Australia! Brilliant! It takes so much courage to rise like a phoenix and then to turn your back on it, knowing that you can do it again! I also admire how he's been open enough to learn about cosmic ordering and committed to his beliefs.

He was quoted as saying "I've had some real lows, but my positive attitude has seen me through".

I didn't really think I was that negative, I've always tried to be constructive, but Noel's comment and the definition of confidence, which I read today 'the expectation of a positive outcome' have made me think.

I was sat in the sauna thinking 'Why am I so scared of everything?'. Well, I think the way in which I am negative isn't so much that I try and pull people down all the time (although I am often guilty of that too) it's more that I don't have confidence- I expect negative outcomes. If I'm driving I expect a crash, if I was to go into a casino I would expect to lose.

It's all psychological. The article that I was reading about confidence talked about a number of experiments that have been conducted. In one people were split into two groups, one labelled high achievers, the other low achievers..... they went on to fulfil their labels.

I think it's part of British culture. Our sports teams are so ineffective because they are short on confidence. I don't believe that the English football team were convinced that they were going to win the World Cup. We lose on penalties every time because we expect a negative outcome. It has happened so may times before that it is now what we are trained to expect.

One last thing. I'm learning that I don't have to compare myself to other people so much. I learned yesterday that a lad that I have come to know is going to live in Spain for a little while. It piqued my anxiety because my immediate thought was 'I couldn't even go on holiday, there is no way that I could go and live in another country. I wish I could though'. I then start berating myself for being weird, weak or cowardly. The lad in question is actually quite confident. I can't compare myself to him, I'm at a major dis

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I'm sick of being so scared and anxious.

I've just been on a site where it challenges you to trek Everest. I suppose I'm presuming that most people would find that easy or something that they might be likely to do, but it made me feel sick in my stomach- being so far away from home and so high up. I already feel panicky about all the thousands of miles of world under my feet!!!

I guess before I either wasn't as scared about going abroad or I thought that it was just shut off to me that it didn't seem to bother me so much, but every one seems to be going away at the moment and I'm feeling wound up and frustrated because I don't see how I'm ever going to feel relaxed or comfortable enough to travel the world and it's something that I want to do. If I got to 80 and I'd never had the courage to go very far I'd be so furious and annoyed with myself!!

What I would give to be calm, relaxed and happy!!

I remember a quote from one lady who had terminal cancer and panic/anxiety disorder too "The cancer will kill me one day, but this anxiety takes my life away everyday".

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10

Not feeling too bad today really. It's starting to sink in that all this fear is psychological. I'm realising that I'm thinking too much about self-preservation, about not letting any harm come to me. There is a lad at work who is/was a really good footballer, but he's broken his leg twice playing football and hasn't played again since the second time. Understandably, he's anxious about it happening again. Ok, I don't think that being reckless in neccessarily a good thing either, but you can't let fear beat you like that.

I've never broken a bone or had to have an operation, so that sort of thing is outside my comfort zone. I freak out at the thought of it.

The way to be though, I think, is to relax and accept. It is really hard, but you've got to keep getting back on that horse, crossing that road and stepping out your front door.

I know really that I'm unlikely to come to any harm and that, even if I do, I can handle it. The way that I react to danger is hysterical and is out of all proportions to the 'percieved' threat.

I have felt so much freedom and relief when I've done something that's scared me- that is how I should feel much more often- unburdened, free, relaxed.

I was speaking to a guy in the spa and he's going on a cruise around the Baltic to Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, St Petersberg. That's what life is about. He's not scared about it at all, he can't wait. he's going to have an amazing time. That's what life's about.

I want to keep pushing my comfort zone. I want to face my fears and realise that they are just phantoms. I want to feel free, relaxed and excited.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.