My Diary

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10

I really do feel like I'm starting to get my life back. I'm feeling stronger, more real, more accepting of the world, more like doing things.

Ok, I still don't feel brilliant, I'm still pretty tense and my body aches, I still feel quite anxious, but I feel more inclined to want to push through fear. I'm starting to see my drive to work as going down the road rather than on a globe and travelling down the planet!

Depression/Anxiety is very much a physical illness. You have high levels of adrenaline, cortisol and noradrenaline in your system, your seratonin and endorphins are low. When I've felt really unreal I remember saying to someone that I felt like I was on drugs- and we are. I can't remember exactly which chemical it is, but I know that one of the drugs associated with anxiety/ depression is loads more powerful than morphine!!!

For most of the time that I've been ill I've thought that if I felt physically well that I would be much better. It's taken me this long to realise that I need to proactively relax to soothe those aching muscles.

It's bad that you feel not so hot mentally and your body really compounds the problems. I've been feeling really stuck in this small town, but whenever I think of trying to get out my body gets really anxious and tense.

One things that really annoys me is when I see something and my stomach turns a little and I think 'no, I don't like that'. On the tv this morning there was a shot of a corridor in an american high school and that's what caused it. I guess that it's an anchor/ shortcut for me to have an automatic anxious-depressive sensation, but why? Is it because America is the most challenging place in the world for me to go to because I'd have to cross the atlantic? Is it because of Columbine? Is it because america can be quite trashy and I'm a bit of a culture snob?

I don't know what it is, but I get that sensation a lot oand it's really uncomfortable.

I know that to get better I have to change my attitude to challenges. I need to welcome them rather than dreading them. There were kids diving into the pool this morning and I thought 'I'd never do that at their age' because I was too concerned with trying to look cool (because I was such a geek), which also acted as a convenient excuse for not having to face my fears. Whereas the actual impression that I gave out wasn't of somebody who is cool, but of somebody who is miserable and no fun.

The way to be happy is to want to go out there and so stuff. Life is like a supermarket sweep, you only have a limited time and you have to go around and fill your trolley with as many experiences as you can! I've been all too guilty in the past of putting things off until later life when I feel more confident. I know now that confidence comes first and that the more you do today the more it gives you opportunity to do tomorrow.

It's great that, through my volunteering, I have come into contact with really energised, positive and inspirational people who want to challenge themselves and get involved with things, because up until then the people I had been surrounded by are people who are miserable at work or people in the local pub.

One thing that does concern me is that I have a tendency to go in cycles. I'll be really enthusiatic and get loads done and then I'll fade away and become lazy. I'm just trying to keep it consistent.

If I could imagine my ideal life at the moment the first thing that I would like is to have a closer circle of friends. I'm getting there with my sports teams, but it would be great to have a 'gang' and to meet them in the pub or to go out to restaurants together. I suppose I am being a bit negative about this because I have been out for drinks with my girls football team and one of the lads from the football team and I need to not overlook that, not to take them for granted.

The second thing that i would wish for is a different lifestyle with regards to work. It would be great to

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10

I've actually been feeling a lot more human recently. I have been eating bananas everyday, I know that they are supposed to help.

It concerns me that maybe these last 4 years I've had bouts of depression back to back, because I feel like I'm getting better right now, but I know that I've felt like this before only to feel worse than ever afterwards. It concerns me that something might have changed in me and I'll never be able to feel 'normal' again.

Today I've been feeling a lot better, but then I've had an anxious or depressive thought and felt ill again. I feel a bit like a player in a rounders game, not sure whether to stick where I am or to try and steal forward.

I went for the review of my cholesterol tablets today. I have read that stress can push cholesterol and blood pressure up. At one point mine was extremely high (9.5) and now it's really, really good. I always put off going for blood tests or to see my doctor because it causes me health anxiety. But today I just decided to go and it was really easy and painless. He asked me if I smoked and I said I gave up 2 years ago. he asked me about my diet and I told him that I was very careful with it, I eat plenty of fruit and veg and I now only have chips once per week.

I am learning to relax. I'm going to try and persuade myself to go to Yoga tomorrow!!

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[lainey]

Hi there

Just been reading through your dairy and you are doing really well in trying to get better, writing things down certainly helps.
Try your best to go to yoga tomorrow as it will certainly help you to relax.

Take care

Elaine x

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10

I did go to Yoga this morning!!! I went swimming first and had a sauna and then I went to the class. I was the only person there to begin with, which gave me the easy option of not doing it, but i went ahead with it and one other person came. I can see how it's going to be really good for me straight away. We started off lying on the floor and relaxing our muscles, which is something that I should be doing, but never make time for and then we did all kinds of stretches and breathing for about an hour and a half- exactly the sort of thing that I need to be doing. I am so unsupple. I hold so much tension in my body and I'm just totally rigid. I'm going to push myself to keep going back.

Straight after I did that I went and booked myself an appointment with a personal trainer at the gym!! I've avoided going into the actual gym itself for months since I started getting health anxieties about my heart, but when I did go quite often I was pretty proud of the way I looked. I'm not too bad now, but generally a bit too skinny and a bit of a belly. Working towards having a really good body would give me such a confidence boost.

Anyway, I am getting much better at doing the things that I fear. yesterday I went to the doctors for a review of my medication, which is something that I normally put off for months. I'm finding that the best thing is to just do it. You presume that nobody else has nerves, 'how can people fly around the world?', they do have them, but they don't let them get so out of control and they don't let them stop them from doing things. I read Richard Branson's autobiography and his motto when he was younger was 'Screw it, Let's do it!!'. He also admitted that he felt violently sick with nerves when he did his hot-air ballooning.

I've had a lot of anxiety about the world 'what if gravity fails', 'there is so much earth under my feet', 'oh my god, the world is so big!', but recently I've started thinking '**** to it. I'm going to go out there and do things like everyone else and if the world should suddenly decide to stop, so be it'.

There are some important things that I keep meaning to say, but then I keep forgetting them again- I'll try and write them down.

At the moment depression seems to be worse than anxiety with me. The world seems quite grey rather than colourful, bright and exciting. I've read something recently that your thoughts and feelings are based on the things that you focus on. I am quite an obsessive person and i think about death a lot, so I'm bound to feel quite morbid. I hate it when there are stories in the newspapers about people with depression and the papers take a really judgemental stance 'he wasn't right in the head', 'he's a nutter', 'he's selfish'. The story about the dad jumping off the balcony is upsetting and also the story about the tv presenter who killed himself. It said how he'd hidden depression for years and his company folded with debts of over a million pounds. I try not to read newspapers or watch the news because i know how negative it is. When I read things like that though it makes me quite anxious because I've had depression for years and it scares me that something could push me over the edge.

I guess for most of my life I've tried to be like somebody or other and to fit in with a certain crowd. At first I tried to be bohemian and metropolitan, taking drugs.... recently I've tried to be more like the sporty lot..... I suppose what i realise is that if those are my aims, then I'm not really going to be satisfied. I need to learn to be myself, to have my own identity, my own ideals and my own interests..... getting there!!

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Paddington]

have you considered a college course??I did it years agoand i felt fab when i passed my a levels!Never thought i had it in me!I t does not work ,moulding yourslelf into another persons skin,liking what they like just to be liked!Been there got the t-shirt!Discover you!!,music is good it is such an individual thing!Hope you feel ok today.love mary rose.xxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[W.I.F.T.S.]

At the moment I really, really hate the monotony. Getting up at the same time, going to the same places, doing the same things. Every day is very much predictable. i feel a bit like I'm in prison- I have that mentality of keeping my head down and serving my time.

On thursday I went into town for my dinner break and it was fantastic to see people other than my work mates and to break the routine. It was really lovely. I guess though, that I feel like I'm a bit 'strange' for doing things like that, things which nobody else at work does and it makes me feel anxious that I might be strange or really different from everybody else.

The reason that I stop in the same job is money. I'd find it really hard to find a job that pays the same. And what's even more annoying is that I don't even earn a brilliant amount, it's fairly modest. When I first got together with my mrs we went crazy on credit cards and loans. Thankfully, now we've cut them up and we're trying to pay them off and budget. I know I'm as guilty as her for blowing the budget and getting myself little treats to cheer either one of us up, but I lose my rag with her for spending too much money. She wants a man Utnited top at the moment and she can't wait til the end of the month for it- which really annoys me. She's only 23 (I'm 30) and I feel like I'm looking after her sometimes. I personally feel like I never have that sort of money to spend on myself and it does make me quite resentful- I get annoyed with her and blame her for me having to stay in a job that I hate, because I can't afford to leave because of her spending habits. I know that that isn't totally true, but (for someone so self-critical and harsh on myself) I have trouble accepting my responsibility or share of the blame.

I do need to get a new job and I think that if i can set a definite time scale for doing my football coaching course and for saving/ paying off debts, that that will give me something to aim for.

One thing that I have been thinking is that most people seem to have a 'buy now, pay later' attitude. People who smoke, people who eat junk food, who drink excessively, who don't exercise. They think (and I've done it myself) 'I know that smoking will shorten my life considerably, but I'll enjoy it now and deal with the consequences when they happen'. That's exactly how I used to be, but since I developed anxiety disorder I've been much keener on watching my diet and stuff. I suppose that my way is better, but I have to temper it with the fact that I could get 'hit by a bus tommorrow' and not be too obsessive about it.

By the way, talking to people about flying and they say that they don't mind it 'you're only going to die once'. It's a great attitude to have, really, because it's so liberating. But i can't help but feel that they haven't really thought about death at all and they must be quite confident that it won't happen to them any time soon. Because I'm depressed i always expect the worst, i expect death and it's one of the greatest causes of anxiety in my life. I think if they thought that death might be imminent that they wouldn't be so casual about it. It's all psychological.

I'm quite annoyed with my dad at the moment. When I first came home from London suffering from depression he asked me if 'it wasn't just an excuse?'. I was outraged, i said to him 'I wouldn't be taking Prozac and messing with my mind if it was just an excuse!'. He probably thinks that I'm psychologically weak for having depression and anxiety. However, after 4 years of being a smoker i succesfully gave up and I haven't had one in almost 2 and a half years. He's had a heart attack and needs to give up, but he keeps giving in to them and we won't even bother reading the self-help books that I've given him. It annoys me that he thinks I'm mentally weak for being depressed and he can't even muster the will-power to give up cigarettes.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10

I've been feeling pretty depressed today. I woke up feeling pretty good and my fiancee started an argument with me out of nothing. I went to work feeling a bit wound up and that turned into feeling depressed. I texted her for a bit of affection and understanding, which I didn't get and that only made me feel more depressed.

Later on we spoke about what had happened. She can be very aggressive and moody anyway. The pattern of our relationship seems to be that we have a big argument, make up and both make a big effort for a couple of weeks (and everything is great), things then start to get niggly and we end up rowing and falling out all the time.

She says that she gets irritable because I'm depressed and anxious all the time, but I'm proactively trying to do something about that. She's talking about doing classes at the gym (where I've got her free membership and she's never even been- how frustrating is that?) and I really hope she does because I'm sure that that would lift her mood and get a lot of her aggression out. But, if I try and give her a push to do it I'm nagging her.

Very often I wish I was single, because she actually makes me very tense. Before we got together I did have very bad panic attacks, but I was also able to drive to London and stuff. It feels like I'm more tense on a daily basis with her. I feel like leaving and my lose-lose thinking comes in 'I'll never get another girlfriend', 'I've got no mates, I'll be miserable and all on my own'.

I'm also quite frustrated that I've set up a girl's football team, which my fiancee is in and she's made some really good friends and she goes out with them and talks to them on the phone (positive: she's in a better mood because of it), but it's frustrating for me that the lads aren't as social. I've asked them out a few times, but they're never very interested. I know it's not specifically because of me, but I can't help but feel a bit rejected.

I don't really feel like I'm being true to myself and that's very depressing. I suppose if fear didn't come into it at all I'd be travelling the world, I'd be either an entrepreneur or involved in the creative industries. I wouldn't be with my mrs. We just seem to have so little in common. I find that I don't do things that I want to do because she isn't ineterested in them. I used to love going to the cinema and I'd go about once a month if not more, but I can't remember the last time I went. I see myself as more of a city person, but i haven't got the confidence to deal with the hustle and bustle at the moment. i certainly wouldn't be working where I am at the moment. I'd love to explore my sexuality.

The thing with a lot of those wishes is that I have trouble trusting and people and places are often very 'sinister' to me. If I did have sex with a man it would be a very guilty and shameful experience and I'd probably feel quite depressed about it, but why? I remember when I was quite young and my mum discovered that i'd been masturbating she went through the roof- I locked myself in the toilet to avoid her! She thought it was dirty and disgusting. My stepdad explained to her that lads do it all the time and her attitude did change, but the experience probably scarred me.

It feels like my life is on hold. I wonder whether I feel unreal because my job is so monotonous that I just shut off.

I'm gradually coming to terms with the world and accepting it. A girl I know has just gone to Malaysia though and the thought of doing that does freak me out quite a bit- I haven't got my head around reality, the planet and space and time enough yet to even contemplate something like that. It's frustrating though that I feel limited to this small, familiar area. If someone talks about emigrating I feel physically sick!

One of the things that causes my depression is that I find it very hard to feel that I fit in and belong, I'm not very adaptable to new situations and environments. When I went to the Isle

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10

I've got a week off work this week and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I really do need to rest and relax, but on the other hand I feel very guilty about wasting time and when I have nothing to do I feel more anxious because I don't have the distractions there.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day because I've got to drive my dad to the hospital (challenge 1) where he is having a treadmill test to see how his heart is doing after his heart attack (challenge 2). I've been on the treadmill test myself and i know that they warn you that it can cause a heart attack!!

In the daytime I'm meeting the mayor to discuss our fundraising plans and at night I've got my football team

On tuesday I'm going to get my car radio sorted and I might do some overtime.

On wednesday I've got yoga and a session with the personal instructor at the gym. I might go to the cinema at night too.

On thursday I might do some overtime and I've got a pub quiz at night.

On friday I've got some more yoga.

Not too bad, but I just don't want to be sat at home on the computer all the time. I'll write some more tomorrow.


Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10

Has anyone seen the advert with the alien who comes down to earth and imagines his life- crushed on the tube trains, sat at home alone watching tv and putting on a pot belly, bored stupid playing bingo?! That's pretty much how I'm feeling. The boring routine, the monotony... aahhhh, but then I'm too scared to break the routine either.

I'm dreading this bank holiday because we'll either sit at home and do nothing or go and do something that we're not really that interested in doing just to pass the time.

Is it just me? Do other people enjoy trudging around car boot sales with no intention of buying anything? I know I'm being negative, just stuff like that really gets me down. Following someone around when they're shopping. I know the positive and proactive thing to do is to get involved, to offer your opinion on potential purchases and suggest stopping at a cafe for a cuppa.

I'm quite down at the moment because I'm feeling like I'm with my missus for the sake of it. I don't want to hurt her by splitting up with her, but the relationship just doesn't inspire or excite me. She very aggressive, very tense, very fussy and it just riles me and I spend a lot of my time trying to stop away from her. She can be very sweet and kind too, but that makes it an emotional rollercoaster that I can do without. On the other hand, I don't want to be on my own because i have no real friends to speak of. So, once again, I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.

I am trying to turn it around into a positive in my mind. I don't think that she would cheat on me- although she is bi-curious, so a girl might tempt her......

I'll write more later or tommorrow, got to take my dad to the hospital now, which I'm dreading..........


Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I took my dad to the hospital. I was quite anxious driving there and got that old thing of thinking 'I can't do it, I have to go back' once I got to the point where I normally don't go beyond on my daily travels. I was pretty much ok until we got to the express way where, even though I was only driving at about 30 miles an hour, I had an attack of nerves and felt like I needed to grab my dad's knee or pull over. I didn't do either though and got there safely if a little shaky.

We took one of my dad's friends with us, who wanted to have a look at a pub neraby that he is thinking of taking over, which was quite nice cos I hate waiting round in hospitals. We got to the highest point for miles, where the pub is built into a castle and I have to say that I actually quite enjoyed looking out over Runcorn bridge. It was quite exhilarating and awe-inspiring, but at the same time I kept having that nervous, queasy feeling of being high up and being on the world.

My dad failed his medical, which unnerved me a bit and as i was driving back and he was talking about them wanting to keep him in hospital I had a bit of an adrenaline rush and I actually felt quite anxious.

Really, it's a victory because I did it and even got some enjoyment out of it- even better I didn't build it up too much beforehand and dread it, but it was still quite traumatic. I keep saying to myself 'an anxious mind cannot exist within a relaxed body' because i know that if I can relax myself that these thoughts wouldn't come into my head so much and I'd be able to take so much more at face value like everyone else does.

I keep getting glimpses of how I used to think or how other people must think and it's a bit of a revelation, because all I could see was depression and anxiety before. It's a bit like staring at a piece of paper and only seeing the black dot in the middle and then gradually you become aware of all the white space around it.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.