My own go at a diary?

[Carina]

I realised that after updating with changes yesterday, I wanted to make another update today, so I think I'll just use one thread from now on to update.

This is a copy of what I posted elsewhere for Day Five:

It's day five and I haven't slept or ate anything substantial since before I started these tablets.

I just have this massive weight on my chest. I feel so bad today that I've had to call in sick to work. I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't bring myself todo anything and I just seem to rocket between feeling miserable and having panic attacks. Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing's fun or interesting. I keep wanting to make big future-altering decisions and I know that that's a terrible idea.

I can't even cry. I'm so upset.

I'm now on Day Six:

Last night the fiancé and I had one of the hardest and most frank conversations we've ever had with each other. Not going to go into details here but some of the things I told him I was feeling about our relationship were extremely hurtful to him. But they had to be said, I couldn't bottle up anymore and let all those thought grow in me til they choked me. I tried to break it off because I was so afraid of everything.

Shockingly, he was incredibly accepting, swore he was going to fight for our relationship if I was still willing to, and made sure I was still going to go to counseling and seek support on this site too. I went to bed reassured of his unrelenting love and support, feeling very peaceful, and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up terrified. Why did he still love me after all this? What was the catch? What was going on? He had every right to walk out on me last night and he didn't. I feel like I would have run like hell if he'd told me the same things... then again I clearly have a reputation of running from any potential pain.

Today I got myself into work (unlike yesterday). I rocketed between small surges of panic and a weird, almost peppy energy when dealing with colleagues. I got home, and at about seven PM, sat and cried. Just sort of had this hysterical crying fit.

I've showered now, been trying to sing (one of my favourite outlets) around the house, and am suddenly calm again.

[Carina]

Day Seven

I woke up much too early again. I'm sort of used to this but not to the panicky feeling that rushes up on me the second I wake up. Today was no different. I woke up, forced some breakfast into me, and went to work, though I didn't really feel like going.

I made it the day's mission to get really ahead in my to-do list, just to keep myself really occupied all day. And for the most part, it worked. I tried to stay chatty and make small talk when I was in those situations, though I excused myself after one fifteen minute chat and just said I had to go make a phonecall.

Panic moments are less pronounced. I can feel where they would have been, oddly, but they feel... duller or something. Today I even felt hungry by dinner time, though I wasn't able to finish my sandwich.

I'm pretty tired. Fiancé and I vegged out on the sofa and watched a movie. I had a tiny bit of wine diluted with lemonade and even that made me feel a little less 'okay' than I had felt earlier. But it's fine. I know why, so I just have to keep telling myself that.

Tomorrow I'm helping to throw a hen party that's going to start at 2pm and continue til the next morning.. So... that should be interesting. Wish me luck.

[cmc46]

Good luck, hope all goes well today.

[Sparkle1984]

It sounds like you're doing well Carina. I hope the hen party went OK!

[Carina]

Thanks for the well-wishes, guys!

Day Eight

Yesterday was day eight, and the hen party. I felt okay at the beginning, though as it wore on I started to feel more panicky. I don't have social anxiety that I'm aware of, so the large group wasn't a massive issue (although I am quite shy), but I had to really focus on ignoring/keeping out intrusive thoughts. Instead I tried to focus on being a good bridesmaid and making sure the bride was having the time of her life. We all went back to her apartment after and crashed there. I made sure not to drink at any point during the party, but the Maid of Honour and a couple of other guests were teetotalers anyway so I didn't seem too out of place. Still, by the time the night was over I was having trouble not focusing on my own thoughts and anxieties.

Anyway, the bride had a wonderful time altogether, so the party was a total success in my opinion!

I'll update later with some thoughts on today, day nine.

[Carina]

Day Nine

Well, today has pretty much been a write-off haha!

Woke up in my friend's apartment. Didn't sleep that well because of the heat (was sharing with my friend) and also because I just wasn't used to sleeping in that particular bed. Still, hauled myself up, we got dressed, and ended the hen party by meeting the boys who'd been on their stag party for breakfast. Everything was fine until we were all sitting eating together and i got this surge of adrenalin. I felt myself tearing up because I was really getting my hopes up that the medicine was kicking in, but I tried to keep it to myself.

Today I mostly lounged around the house, using "out all night at a hen party" as my excuse. Watched some rubbish movies, posted photos of the party on facebook, and generally tried to keep myself busy so that I could ignore all the little malicious thoughts and anxieties running through my head. I honestly feel like my brain is trying to hurt me sometimes. Like it hates me.

Anyway, I didn't nap even though I wanted to. I'm determined to go to bed exhausted so that I'll sleep tonight. So... wish me luck on that.

[Carina]

Day Ten

Woke up this morning with a weird jolt.

Does tiredness exacerbate anxiety symptoms? Since the hen party I've felt more panicky and fearful, especially when left alone with my thoughts. So this afternoon I kept busy. I went window-shopping with my mother (my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from agoraphobia or the like - if I couldn't go out and try to occupy myself I don't know what I'd do), then helped her get her groceries in and cooked some dinner when we got home. All this kept me busy, and for most of the daytime I felt calmer.

This evening was more difficult. My guy called me with some great news about his job and we decided I should come see him tonight, so we watched a movie cuddled up on the sofa. I felt panicky for a lot of the movie and couldn't concentrate on it. After the film, I asked him if he wanted to talk about the (admittedly very hurtful) things I said on Wednesday. He said he didn't, that he knew I was having a rough time and he didn't want me to give it another thought. So basically he's the most perfect person ever made because I would have run a mile if someone had said those things to me.

I felt comforted when I came home. Still tired and aware that I'm more vulnerable to panics but I'm trying to stay positive.

[Sparkle1984]

Yes my symptoms are definitely worse when I'm tired. I didn't sleep so well last night as I've got so much on my mind right now (blood test tomorrow, assessment for cbt on Friday) so I'm not looking forward to work today!

[Carina]

Oh, pet. Thinking about you today, I hope all of those things go okay.

[Iggy131313]

Carina, are you due on? I find I get alot worse when Im due to come on and throughout my period,

were you having those feelings about your fiance before starting on the meds?

Now is not the best time to make any decisions you know, your feelings are all over the place, consider yourself pregnant, and the hormones that you get though that time, only after however long it takes for the cit to work you wont have a baby, you will yourself be reborn.

THATS when you make the decisions.

It sounds to me like you have a keeper, but when I met my husband I knew at once I would marry him, falling in love was the most wonderful feeling, and I felt like I was on ecstacy for months, of course now Ive been married for 10 years that has turned into a safe and mutual dislike and tolerance of eachother lol!

no, thats not true, we have our ups and downs, I am by nature a very patient and tolerent person which is why I am good at my job (I am disability officer in a latge college with 14 complex students under my care, I see to their emotional and physical needs alongside their educational ones)

he is not a patient person, which is why this is very difficult for him to handle and understand.

---------- Post added at 18:17 ---------- Previous post was at 18:16 ----------

Oh and for the record, day 10 is still very very early, I woke up with a jolt for 4 or 5 weeks, its a normal reaction to hightened anxiety