Hey all hope everyone is doing well tonight.. I was having a great day myself up till about oo 30 mins ago.. I'm figuring it's just a mix of tiredness and anticipatory anxiety.. because well my bf and I finally got jobs today.. get this together even! after about 2 mnths of trial and failure with several places..
I've been hyper/excited all day bevause working always makes me feel so much better about myself.. like I am actually doing something besides sitting home collecting dust.. I haven't worked since January (i had one job at the local grocery store but it I didn't last long after 3 days it aggravated every tender point in my body and well... back home I came) Plus this job is in my feild of choice.. Customer Service so I've been bouncy about it all day.
Then comes the realization oo I have changes to make to accomadate work.. it's from 8:30=4:30 M-F with weekends off which in my book is a real job.. it's been ages since I've had a job where I had weekends free.. but I got caught up iin the planning of it all what time we have to leave.. what route to take to avoid rush hour that my head just went zooooommm.. gotta love the overactive mind..
The other thing is I've spent alot of today thinking.. and I've come up with alot of good reasons for my latest panic bouts.. being out of work was a big one for me.. worrying about money.. worrying about the bills I have piling up.. especially a bank account that my ex and I shared that HE overdrew but some how got his name taken off of leaving ME holding the bag to the tune of a couple thousand USD...then there's the final thing.. and prolly the biggest of them all that I cant seem to understand.
How do you spend 9 years with someone and never really care about them at all...
The reason this has crossed my mind.. my bf whom I've been close to for quite sometime before my relationship ended when I told him about my panic attacks.. when he started seeing them for himself.. he wanted to help in anyway he can.. he wants to be a part of me getting better.. hell when I went to the doctors on Monday he was the one holding my hand telling me I could do it... and when I looked like I was going to cry when they told me I may have Fibromyalgia he was the one to tell me hey everything is going to be alright we can get through it together. Where I found this man stuns me.. because he actually CARES.. he's not in it just for himself.. he truly believes in the theory of there being an us.. and it screws with my head..
It's like everyday that passes a memory blank forms in my head like those 9 years before him are just disappearing into the "fog" that can be my mind like it was nothing more than a bad dream.. and it's damn disorientating.. of course there's the fact that I never thought my bf and I would ever be anything more than friends.. the whole thing took me by surprise.. but it's not something I rushed into either.. my marriage had been dead since 2002 maybe earlier.. in some ways I feel the entire thing was nothing more than a clever lie.. but that's another story for another day.. but now that I'm with him sometimes I'll stare at him wide eyed because I can't believe we made it into each others arms..
We've been through alot together.. a whole lot.. he is the one intially two years ago that finally succeeded in dragging me out of my agoraphobia and keeping out.. he's been my ear.. my shoulder. for so long that I feel like we've been together all this time.. and with the fading memories of before him I'm afraid I'm going to convince myself I have been.. and I really don't know if that is good or not..
I feel younger.. I am definately a heck of alot happier now than I have been in 9 years.. he makes me smile.. he makes me laugh.. and he makes me feel like I can do anything in the world.. and I'm terrified I'm going to screw it up some how since I've failed with everyone and everything in past or so it seems to me on most days..I love being with him we have so much in common.. we have a blast together.. but then I get in my head we are going to fall apart
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