Please...Urgent advice needed! :(

[shotokansho]

Hi everyone.

I have done something terrible and I am feeling scared, nervous, anxious and very guilty all at the same time. I'm really panicking.
I had a bad day yesterday, everyone was upsetting me, I ended up crying and having the intrusive thoughts which brought on heightened anxiety. I am a self harmer but had nothing in the house to use. I went into the store and shop lifted a pack of small craft knives, worth around £3.
I didn't even harm and I just chucked them into a secret place in my room. Now I feel terrible and feel like I need to be punished. I have never done anything like this before and I am so guilty right now. My tummy is upside down and my heart beat keeps skipping with anxiety.
In the store I know four people by name and two of them happen to be my best mate and her husband. I am so frightened that they will look at cctv for some reason and recognise me and then I will get the police on my doorstep. I had therapy today and I was in tears but couldn't even own up to my therapist. I'm so worried that the police will come to my house to arrest me and mum will then find out...I'm scared stiff.
I don't know what to do guys. Do the stores look at their cctv at random, even if there is no need to? I am so tempted to walk into a police station and tell them what I have done, I feel like I need punishing. I am racking my brains now, wondering how long it would take if I went to a police station, because I would have to pick my little boy up from school. I wouldn't want anyone to know. I don't know what to do, I keep crying and I am finding it harder to hide it.
Please some constructive advice would be greatly appreciated.
Kez xx

[jackie13]

Hi Kez

Sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. The really good thing is that you did not harm yourself, I doubt very much that they will look at the CCTV in the shop.

Jackiexx

[shotokansho]

Thank you Jackie, I am glad I didn't do it too, I'm just left with this guilt. I think I will call my CPN and tell him, do you think he can order me to own up? I really want to but I'm scared of what might happen and people finding out, I am so ashamed of myself. Think I just need to relieve myself of the burden of it. Thanks again.

Kez xx

[mollymalloy]

Hi.
So sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment and now this guilt on top of it all.

My suggestion would be for you first to go to your mother and tell her how you feel and then what you have done and assure her that you want to set things right. Then the two of you go down to the store to talk to the store manager in private and explain you situation, they tend to be very gracious when some one owns up to stealing and either returns the product or pays for it. You can ask the manager to keep it private and not share this info with his staff. (don't think it is a good idea for you to keep those knives seeing you have history of self harm)

Hope you get this sorted out soon.

[akadawny]

Hi there

I used to self harm and with me it was partly just to feel something and partly to reassert control. I remember bad days very well, do you have a support person you can call to talk you round when you feel the urge? With regard to owning up about the theft, Im not sure as I have never been in that position, but if you think it will help tell your mother and see what she suggests. Dont do anything that will make you feel worse, as that could make your urge resurface. Call someone who you trust who is nearby to get some help in realtime. Stay safe x

Dawn x

[shotokansho]

Thanks so much for all the advice and replies. I haven't spoken to my mum yet, I just don't know if I am strong enough for that. The anxiety over what I did is leaving me a little now, although I am not looking forward to when I have to meet my friend in the store the next time we meet.
I have decided to leave the matter for now, I am seeing my care coordinator next week and I will discuss it with him, see what he says. I am really proud of myself though because I managed to fight the self harm thoughts off and the knives are still in their wrappers in the secret place. Thanks again everyone.

Kez xx

[mikewales]

The other option is go back along to the store, and put the knives back. That way they have not lost anything, and you will know you have done the right thing, and it will help with your guilt and anxiety, plus the bonus of not having them in the house anymore.

[rockydog]

I know nothing about self harm but how about put the knives in the post with a note saying you took them by mistake (annonymously) and then forget it.
No one is going to knock on your door for a £3 crime i work at a school and the children steal more sweets than that on a regular basis (not a good thing) but honestly nothing would come of it at such a low cost.
More important is your state of mind so just try and calm back down and put it behind you as a silly blip but speak to someone about your underlying anxiety that has lead you to this point xx

[Annie0904]

I would suggest the same as mollymalloy but if it is to difficult for you to take them in the shop I would do what Rockydog suggests. That way you will not feel guilty and I don't think it is a good idea for you to have them in your room xx

[panickygirl]

I agree totally with what people on this thread have suggested. I think posting them back anonymously is the best thing to do. Not a good idea for you to have them in the house if you have a history of self-harm. We only have to lose ourselves in sadness for a moment to do something we'll regret afterwards (look at how bad you felt after shoplifting, for example) so I would remove the temptation and by sending them back to the shop, you also relieve yourself of the guilt.

Also it's important you share these things with your therapist. They're there to help you, not judge you and they can only help you so much if you're not telling them everything that's going on.

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes and the fact that you felt so bad about it shows you're a good person with a conscience.

xx