I'm a bit unsure if what I'm experiencing is de-realization, I think/feel like there's nothing wrong with me and get worried that there's just something off about me.
My feelings have been constantly changing over the past 5/6months I just feel really confused and all over the place.
At first I went through a period of high social anxiety. I felt physically sick constantly, I didn't want to talk to anyone or leave my room. I obsessed over what to say to people and constantly wondered how other people thought to say something or what they were thinking. I believed that I didn't have any original thoughts, I was boring and unfunny (getting people to laugh was something I became super obsessed with and actually took a mental note whenever I realised I said something that got a laugh) I didn't even want to see my friends and it was just as bad (if not worse) with my parents. I drank more than usual during this time to try calm myself. Gradually these feelings felt stupid, I'd went out with my friends and had a good time I was just being silly and thought 'why am I worrying about this?' which turned to 'why does anyone worry about anything?'
Everything and everyone suddenly seemed stupid, I got irritated at people. I'd analyse everything they did looking for some basic animalistic root. I got really down (It never crossed my mind that I might be depressed, I thought this was just how I was) I've always been pretty analytical and pretty introverted, I liked being with my own thoughts and wasn't overly concerned with anything. I started obsessing about death, what the point of everything was? but I decided that there didn't need to be one, life itself could be the point. It wasn't the most comforting thought but I decided that if that was the way things were I'd just concentrate all my effort in to being happy and making the most of it. I wasn't happy though and couldn't force myself to be, everything I used to enjoy seemed trivial. I started to wonder why I woke up in the morning? who else woke up? If I did, why didn't everyone else?
One day I woke up thinking 'did I wake up?' everything felt blurry and out of focus and I freaked out. I started experiencing what I considered depersonalisation, feeling that I was dead had left my body and was just a re-animated corpse that was charged with electricity and about to drop at any second. I read up about it and panicked myself more, seeing posts saying that It was something you could never overcome. I'd go through the day as normal as possible but by the end of it I'd just burst out crying feeling physically sick. The anti-depressants I was on at first only made the feelings worse. I couldn't sleep I got 2-3hours at most each night. I thought I'd disappear or that when I slept everything would stop existing. I needed someone beside me all the time just to make sure I didn't lose my mind or stop existing all together. I went out a couple of nights and drank a lot but It only made it worse and I completely freaked out so I decided not to do it again.
I was stubborn, I started eating healthier, a routine bed time and taking my dog out for hour long walks. I tried to get my concentration back by focussing on one spot for 10minutes at a time. The new anti-depressants got rid of the tight feeling in my stomach but made me exhausted (and still do) occasionally I felt a bit happier and they made me stop crying constantly.
The problem now is everything feels strange. The concept of their being a world and such a thing as life feels too weird. I don't know how exactly to explain it, I see everything the way I used too now but I doubt it now and wonder 'is this the way I'm supposed to see things? is this how everything should look?' Other people look the strangest even my own reflection. I can tell you where I am, what I'm doing but it doesn't mean anything to me It feels artificial. I don't doubt that there might be a chair in front of my, the trouble is 'why is there such a thing as a chair?'
I only know there's something because there isn't nothing but I feel like there shouldn't be anything. I find myself thinking about the universe and feel overwhelmed that it isn't just blank. I feel that there should be an alternative to life, somewhere else to go outside this reality but there isn't and I'm just stuck here unsure about what I'm experiencing.
I feel weird about time, that there's only ever 'now' nothing else exist outside it and you can't escape it. There only is and only will be the present, the fact that you'll only ever being 'living' just constantly existing until one day you don't. I feel trapped in a void before I felt like I was about to suddenly shut down and now that's what I want to do.
I sometimes think, 'I want to be dead, I just want to be dead' but I like being alive but It's like the interest you would have in a fantasy world. I don't fully invest myself, I don't want to because I know it's real but I don't really believe that or think it.
I know that being unable to comprehend something doesn't disprove it but I can't overcome this feeling. I feel like there's isn't anything to overcome because there isn't anything to return too. It's like I want the answer to the universe, someone to sit down and explain existence and the fact that I'll never get that answer just makes it worse. I don't know what I feel or understand or what exactly I'm scared of. I'm scared that I'm crazy or that I'll give up on myself. I'm worried about the most is that I'm only pretending that I think everything is real, I'm just pretending to be normal so no one suspects me. I don't know how I got here, I don't feel anything like myself I just want to stop.
sorry about making such a large post :-(
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