Its been a while

[Samantha]

Hi everyone i dont know how to explain this because i dont really talk about my feelings very well and apologise in advance that this is quite negative.

I havent been in very often in the last few months and the main reason is that i have become increasingly depressed since xmas and have lost the will to carryon doing things, i thought things would pick up but i have reached a point where i reach an ultimate low for hours even days on end that it scares me. I hardly ever feel normal these days and i dont know where to go from here, i know i should go for councelling but i cant bring myself to do it or even let my family know. When im like this i can see no way out and if it werent for my family i dont know what i would do. It feels as though everything is causing it and that everything adds to it, but i know that my anxiety doesnt help it. I feel as though i cant tell anyone how i feel so i just keep it in. I lay awake at night for ages before i am able to relax and go to sleep.
Lately i just stay ininstead of arranging to go out, and become easily frustrated as i am constantly irritanle and lack energy causing me to feel tired. The only way i have been able to release all this emotion lately is to hurt myself and i know this cannot go on. The reason i am writing this is because i need help overcoming this as i am beginning to find i cant do it on my own but i am not ready to tell my family as my dad is not well at the moment and i dont want to put any unneccessary stress on my family, but i am scared and need help.

Please reply

Sam

[sarah]

Hi Sam

Firstly, you have taken the first step by posting here. We are here for you to let your feelings out so please dont feel scared to ask us for help!
Do you know why you feel depressed and self harm? Has something triggered it off or has it just been a gradual decline?

You dont want to tell your parents so you dont worry them but I truly think you do need to tell someone. Yes by all means offload on us and we can give you all the advice we can but we arent there physically to help you if you see what I mean?

The trouble with depression is that the worse it gets, the least likely you are to want to get up and do something about it.
Im not saying you should go out this minute and have a party with your mates but you need to do something to give you focus.

Start small...take time for yourself. have a nice bath, put some favourite clothes on, put some makeup on and put on your favourite music and have a let off steam dance round your bedroom. It might sound daft but I suffer depression too (although not as bad as you). im 30 and I still play dress up and dance round the house like a lunatic to make me feel better.(not when anyone is watching tho!)

Exercise (see above - dancing wildly round your bedroom) releases happy hormones and makes you tired too so this will do 2 things, might lift your spirits and make you relaxed enough to sleep at night.

Find yourself a hobby that you enjoy or that makes you smile or gives you a sense of achievement.

You say you know you need counceling but cant bring yourself to do it?
Im saying this nicely but because its typed it might come out harsh but... the only one who can help you is you. You obviously want to get yourself out of this depression or you wouldnt have asked but youve got to make steps to do it matey.

Why dont you set yourself some small goals and keep a small diary on here so we can egg you on and motivate you? It might be useful to have some regular support.

If you want to you can email me anytime and I will try to help in any way I can. If you dont want to do a diary on here I dont mind if you want to just do it on a one to one with me through email. Im here everyday.

Take care
Love Sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution

[april tones]

hi sam, so sorry to hear your down. This is first time ive spoken to you. I really think you should try and talk to family or someone understanding as its doing know good inside. Thats what they are there for, you will be3 surprised how understanding they might be. I really feel for you and know how it feels to feel the way you do, along with anyone else on here, keep posted, love april x

apriltones

[Samantha]

Hi Sarah, April, id just like to say that i really appreciate your replies.

At school people rely upon me a lot they know that if they ever need to talk im there for them and they can trust me, its not just the people who i hang round with but people in lower years who i sort of know. So in a way it makes me feel isolated because asking others for helps seems like im showing my weakness if that makes sense, so i avoid it as much as i can and just bury these feelings deep down. Only lately i've come to realise that sometimes its not possible to sort everything by yourself and i have been debating whether or not to post on here for several weeks now because although i have realised i need help i don't want to burden (cant think of another way to explain what i mean) other people with them because everyone has a lot to resolve without adding to it.

Although part of me does want to tell my parents i cant't because to me i feel as though i am protecting them from me and i know that if i told them whaat was going on in my head it would really worry them. My dad isn't very well at the moment and i don't want to increase the stress on them. I feel guilty about telling them but there isnt any easy way to do it and i hate keeping things from them.

Things have just been gradually going downhill since the summer holidays last year, but i thought when school started things would pick up, and for a while they did. Then things began to get worse two weeks before Christmas im not completely sure what triggered it but throughout Christmas holidays i just kept how i was feeling hidden and acted like the normal me would. I even got the chance to see my nan but bacause of a huge family row nearly ten years ago my other grand parents went aways so they wouldnt have to see us. I hardly have any contact outside of my immediate family and it hurts that they don't want to know us. I hate the fact that although they send cards on Christmas almost all of me relatives keep away, i cant even remeber what they look like. Family is everything to me they are my whole world and one day i know theyre not going to be around and things will be to late and this feels as though its tearing me up inside. Then New year my dog died and that left a hole, and the feeling that it was somehow my fault and that i should have known. Some people think that animals are animals and that they can be replaced. But to me he wasnt just an animal he was my best friend and a member of my family.

Since then things have just been gradually getting worse, i cannot deal with my emotions so i just keep them in Thats why it has got to this point when i feel as though there taking over and the only way to release them is to hurt myself, but doing it without causing too much suspicion justs adds to it because if you do it too much ppl will see and realise meaning i have to explain everything. I know that the best way to help myself would be to tell my family but theres never going to be a good time to do it, and i dont feel ready for that yet.

By isolating myself from everyone else i am able to think about things and feel as though im not only protecting others but myself. I spend hours on my own because you can be yourself and either ignore whats going on in your head and can distract yourself. Its nice to do things with people and its nice to be on your own i havent established an even balance yet.

At home i dress comfortably, same old t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms, because like staying in its safe and feels ok. When you go out you have to make an effort cause people are going to see you. I have safety zones being at home or when im at school the library because its what i know, if you get what i mean, these are the places where i can just isolate myself from the rest of the world and be quiet and just watch. The only problem is you watch as the world goes by, hours turn to days and days to weeks and before you know it times flown by, christmas, easter, end of school. When i tried to speak to someone they said i was wishing my life away. But im not im trying

[Meg]

Dear Sam

I have not had long periods of being severely depressed so cannot relate directly but if I may put in my twopenny worth..

As you're just about to turn 17 - right ? it is a very difficult period in life . Not a child , not an adult , not sure where you fit in and lots of opportunities or fears ahead. Emotions are such difficult things - we love the happy and joyful ones but the sad and nasty ones can cause such surges and upset that it's hard to know how to handle them.

It is certainly not burdening to post here and release and practice 'feeling' you way through all the sensations that are thrown up.

I can understand about not wanting to tell your family what is going on with you - even though they'd probably prefer to know - but there are now lots of outlets for teenagers to explore and share their issues both on the net and with helplines and local organizations.

The being alone is fine but do recognise that all you hear continually this way is your own version of events and interpretations of scenarios and thoughts and over time if they are bleak ones anyway, there is the natural tendancy to exacerbate these out of proportion. It's human to slightly exagerate and to yourself is no exception.

One of the many good things about sharing is getting a variety of viewpoints- some which you may not have considered previously.

Managing change is one of the hardest things to do especially when it is out of your own control and thus the reason why many youngsters start self harm or obsessing or anorexia , its the only control they feel they have
- over their own body and mind.

Starting with small chunks and steps is the best way as you say. If you can control ytour body in self harm you can control it enough to insist it uses the energy in a productive fashion. Exercise and Sarahs dancing will not only release endorphins which will give you a natural lift but also energize you and give you some focus now that school is ending for the year. Being depressed is physically draining and fatigue is usual but overcomeable by movement.

Your feelings over your dog are completely natural and expected. Animals are nonjudemental and devoted and we can tell them anything and they still come and lie with us. Often pets and children have shared most of their lives so the grief is extremely pronounced.

Family issues are always wrenching - who talks to who and who can visit etc . Unless there is something positive you can do to alter it there is not much point keeping your focus here and dwelling on what might have been. Maybe you could try to reach out and meet new people who you can share with as equals rather than always being the strong reliable one although that role can be very satisfying as you help others and see that you are not tha only one with issues.


Are you doing Exams at present and whats are your plans for next year ?

I don't know if that helps at all but just points to ponder .

Do keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Meg

[april tones]

hi sam, you are not a burden. We are all here to help each other. It is very good site. I can tell everyone anything on here and no one judges you as we are all in same boat. I had to tell my parents as it was noticable, it hurt me to see my parents hurt and worrying but like my mom said its what they are there for. I am a young mom myself, 23 and my little boy is 8 months old. I would want him to talk to me about anything he wants as i wouldnt want him distressing hiself. So thats a point of view as a parent too. Is there any one else you can talk to? have you been to doctors? love april xx

apriltones

[andrew]

hi sam, i did wanna say try and keep on 'sharing' your feelings, it will help.
you're not a burden for sharing them, as you yourself give time to others, many will be pleased to give time to you.
keep posting, keep sharing
you take care andrew

[Samantha]

Hi, thanks for replying

I turned 16 at the weekend and after a lot of thinking i did decide to meet up wiith my frienmds, although it gave me a buzz to get out there and do this i spent the whole day feeling anxious, wondering whether i was doing the right thing. Im currently in the middle of my GCSEs and part of me is enjoying them because it gives me something to do and the chance to get out and see my mates. I dont live in a town so there is not a lot of oppertunity to meet new people, but this has never bothered me because im more of a home person. When im on the internet i have been on a lot of websites and looked at the different organisations.

I know i cannot change the past and that i should look to the future i find it hard to, because the past is what i know and the future will eventually come to an end. I had the chance to speak to my grandparents on the phone at the weekend and although i was able to talk to my nans easily when it came to my grandad it was like talking to a stranger, we ended up talking about the weather to break the awkward silences. I cannot change the fact that this arguement happened but it hurts so much, i hardly know who they are and the chances are if i saw most of them i wouldnt recognise me and i them.

I plan on getting a part time job over the summer holidays to give me some direction, before i go back to sixth form. My parents would want to know how im feeling as they would want to help but i cant do it, they have begun to notice that im having trouble sleeping and am not eating properly. Ive reached the stage where i feel exhausted most of the time and find it difficult to motivate myself to do stuff. I had been thinking for a while that if i just try and forget how im feeling it would go away then i could sort it out in several years time without anyone knowing, but ive done this for so long with all my emotions that i cant asnymore.

ASlthough i have some close mates i dont feel able to talk about how i feel because in the past i have had friend problems and still do which is why i find it hard to talk to people because you don't what their thinking and whether or not they're judging you. I did attempt to talk to a teacher at school who is involved in a number of schemes but when i told i felty as though she was looking at me as though i was crazy and since have lost the nerve to talk to anyone after three months of building myself up to talk to hert. There is a school nurse at school but im year 11 and have finished so there wouldnt be much she could do as im not going to be at school for a while. be anything she can do, and the local doctors is in town. I know they can keep confidentiallity but i couldnt do that.

Thanks for your help

Sam

[april tones]

hi sam, there is help out there for you. Please talk to someone and dont block it in. I will help you if i can.The school nurse can put you in touch with the right kind of people. As your mom and dad have half guessed it be better to tell them whats wrong as they will only think the worse as they will assume. love april xx

apriltones

[Samantha]

Hi April, thanks for replying
Im no longer at school now finished this week, so dont have contact with the school nurse. Im not very keen on doctors, i havent got anything against them or anything, i find it hard to talk to adults in person and especially talking on phones. There is this sort of drop in councelling thing in my town which im working myself up to go to, but i think it will be a couple of weeks before i get the nerve to. Ive had a look at a lot of websites on the internet reading up on different things and they say to talk to someone, its just doing it thats going to be difficult because i find it difficult to trust people. Theres so much going on at the moment that i cant bring myself to tell my parents, there have been a couple of times when ive come close but i cant actually bring myself to do it. There isnt an easy way just to say it and i know therell want to know why i feel like this but i couldnt explain it, not to my family anyway. There are times when i just lie awake at night thinking everything through and everthing just seems pointless and insignificant when there so much going on in the world. When i feel like this i just try and bury the feelings back down and try and ignore them , just so i dont have to think about them or numb them away with a drink so that i can unwind. I know this doesnt help because it just puts it off and doesnt solve anything. Lately i have no energy and by three i feel as though i could sleep for hours. I dont know what im doing or where im going. I feel as though im trying to hold onto everything as it is now, but its like keeping water in ur hands because eventually things will change. I think about the future i think about the past and slowly im beginning to let go of it. When im walking down the street i see people and think that could be me in a couple of years. It sounds stupid, but i dont recognise who i am anymore a year ago i knew, but now the years come and gone, a week turns into a month and a month into six and here we are in june, where has the time gone, its not as though ive achieved anything im just existing, and i dont want to carry on wasting time because we only get one chance at life and with those who we care about so i want to enjoy it as they are. I just dont know what im doing with my life.

Sam