Its been a while

[Meg]

Sam

I was so pleased that you went to the counsellor and had a good experience there.
It will be easier next week as you know what to expect . I stood outside several doors dawdling battling with myself of whether I could face going in or not so well done to you and the door opener for geting you in ..

Now that you're seeing someone who can support you , it does take the pressure off. Mum would probably prefer to know but in the great scheme of things we've all not told Mums things and I can think of a great many worse things to keep from her .. so all in your own time.

Enjoy your dance if it's good and worthwhile.



Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

[Samantha]

Hi everybody, thank you all for your support, its taken me a while to get back because weve been having computer problems.

The dance went pretty well and by the end of the night wqas glad i went, so thankyou all for your encouragement. Ive now had two sessions and although ive only just started i really cant see how things can change i will always have these feeling and it just takes something to happen to bring them back. I cant find any happiness in what im doing. Last year i was always optimistic and positive but now ive changed from within myself and i dont recognise who i am. Im trying to stay positive and take things one step at a time i know its going to take a lot of work and that i need to help myself but up untill now i have always been able to deal with it on my own. I was seriously let down by someone i considered a close friend and this has completely shattered my trust. Theres nothing i can do about it because what happened happenned and it cant be changed. This has led me to question everything and i feel if someone can do that to a friend what else can they do. I feel so much hurt, sadness and anger that it seems ast though its eating me up from within and destroying who i am. Everynight i fight to get myself to sleep i try to unwind and listen to music to calm myself but it doesnt seem to help. Im trying to avoid meds as much as i can but know eventually i may need them, then when i am asleep i constantly have vivid nightmares. We only get one life and everyone has to work so hard at it but we are still born to die, we spend most of our life working to retire then die. There is so much suffering in the world that it doesnt seem fair, some people get one year whilst others get seventy but the outcome is always the same. I cant see where i am going or what i am doing i am not who i was.

Sam

[andrew]

hi sam, you sounded pretty down writing that last post, hopefully you're feeling happier today.
it really is too soon to be judging the effectiveness of the counselling - i remember going for 6+ months myself and looking back that wasn't long enough.
suggestion, maybe 1 hours counselling a week isnt enough support for you - try posting more on here, going chatroom, maybe involving your family, ask the counsellor for suggestions, NO PANIC do telephone based support things. i do understand and totally relate that 'reaching out for support' aint really your thing, try to find a balance that works better for you.
sorry to hear you was let down badly by one of your friends just carry talking and sharing your feelings about it - dont let it eat from within, get it out, talk, share.
also be careful of your feelings, cos reading the last part of your post it seems your hurt has 'doom and gloomed' your whole outlook on life. i know that hurt when you're let down by someone youve let in, especially when you dont trust easierly. try not to let it cloud your whole future. you wont go back to being the same person, you've had new experiences but there are no reasons why you wont be optimistic, positive, happy, that sam is still part of you.
hope i aint lectured, you take care and keep in touch
andrew

[Samantha]

Hi Andrew thanks for replying

I really want to tell my mum, there are times when i think just tell her it will work out for the best but i really cant bring myself to do it because i know that once ive told her how im feeling she'll want to know why im feeling like this. There are times when i feel myself but these dont last long, and i think maybe i can get through this on my own, but deep down i know i cant. I cant change the past or go back to it but at the moment i cant accept the future and am stuck in between. I have so little energy at the moment that by the afternoon i feel as though i need to sleep. When i do sleep im constantly having pretty disturbing dreams some of which are starting to reoccur and most of the time result in someone i know being killed. I keep dreaming that i get shot in the head and kneck, but because they always happen at the very end of sleep i never finish the dreams.

Someone i thought was practically my closest friend told me that they were dying and for two years i believed them becasue its not something you'd make up. But always in the back of my mind there was some doubt which i suppose was me trying to prevent myself from feeling gullible. At the same time this person always came out with things like its ok for you at least your not going to ie in ten years time, what can you say to this, do you believe your friend and trust them or not and then something happens? I trusted him and i dont trust people easily then a month before we finnish school he says 'im cured' and this is so insulting to the people who really have the disease as there isnt a cure at the moment. He lied and manipulated us, i feel as though he took part of me shredded it spat on the parts then stamped on it. When i spoke to him he told one lie after another, all i wanted was the truth, but now i dont know what to do.

Sam

[andrew]

hi again sam,
you could just try saying to your mum that you are feeling bad quite often and think you may have some anxiety and depression - you dont need to be able to justify your own feelings, who knows why we feel, how we feel.
do you wake up when you've been killed in your dreams. just a thought on why they happen at the end of your sleep and dont seem to finish. this might seem a bit weak but it works in the long term - when it happens, reassure yourself that you are ok and it was just a dream, also that you are an ok person, tell yourself, hear your voice.
wow, what a w....., how uncool is that. you are the only one that can decide what you're gonna do, you can give yourself as much time as you want to make your mind up. the hurt will pass.
anyway you take care...........andrew

[Samantha]

Thanks Andrew

Ive decided that before the third week of the summer hols has gone at some point i will tell my mum, i cant do this anymore there is no light ahead all i can see is darkness. When i feel really low it feels like ive sunk into a pit and theres no way out, when i feel like this i just want to be away from the everything and everyone just so i can try and blcok all thoughts out. I realised yesterday that i dont know how long i can go on like this, i cant just keep waiting for these feelings to pass i need help to deal with them so when ive told my mum im going to go to the doctors. I just cant do it at the moment i hate that im keeping it from them but eventually i know im going to have to tell them because i cant see any other way out. The councellor person ive been speaking too has been very supportive and has suggested ways of telling them its just finding the right moment. I think about death a lot especially when i am feeling down but there are times when i just wish everything would end, i still have the feelings that i want to cut myself and sometimes thinking about it eases the pain but its the idea of my family finding out thats stopping me, they are whats keeping me going. The dreams that i have normally happen just before its time to wake up so i never reach the end because i have to get up, but most of the time it takes about 15 mins to remind myself that they are only dreams no matter how real they are. I just cant see any positive way out at the moment, i know it will take time and a lot of work but i always thought i'd always be able to deal with things on my own but i cant any more.

Sam

[andrew]

hi sam
firstly i wanted to say that i thought you were coping well, obviously your going through a tough time at the moment but you are dealing with it, your the one feeling your feelings and not burying your head in the sand. try not to let it all overwhelm you - there is always hope, keep your chin up.
its good youve a plan to tell your family, cos reading your posts its an issue that you need to resolve - if only for your own peace of mind. and the doctors is worth a try, you need to do whatever it takes.
errrrr, im not sure what to say about the self harm other than DONT. i think i meant with the dreams - to kinda mother yourself along the lines of ' it felt bad but its ok now' rather than it was 'just a dream'
anyway, what are you up to in your day? are you keeping yourself busy and occupied?
you take care and stay in touch........... andrew

[Samantha]

Hi Andrew thanks for replying, ive started work in the evenings now which is good as it helps distract me and is really enjoyable. I hurt myself because to me it feels like i deserve it like in winter no matter what the weather was i didnt wear a coat or jumper most days because i kept thinking that if i was ill id deserve it. That probably doesnt make sense but its just something ive felt for a while.

Sam

Positive thinking is the key to success!

[andrew]

hi sam, pleased to read youve found a job your enjoying and good to have some money in your pocket as well. it is helpful to have to concentrate on 'doing things' rather than 'thinking things' eh, ive just gone back to work after a couple of months myself.
yeah i always felt all this to be a bit of a 'self hate illness' for want of a better description. but i think half the battle is to actually see it. and although those feelings run deep and arent easierly changed, as you see yourself feeling that way - you can try to change the way you react.
hope the counselling is going ok and your enjoying the sunshine today, keep in touch, take care ....... andrew

[Samantha]

Hi, i dont know what to do i am so scared that im going to loose my dog, i tried not to get too close to him when we first got him because i hadnt dealt with losing my first dog at xmas and i was scared that the same thing would happen. Weve only just had him a short while and hes only a pup, we took him out yesterday and i was watching him for twenty minutes while my brother was racing. In this time he was feeling quite playful and chewing on his lead and scavenging in the grass like all dogs do. But fifteen minutes later he started drooling at the mouth i pointed this out to my dad and he said it was bile. He then started having diarroeha, was sick, his eyes were watering and he was shivering; I was terrified that we were going to lose him. All the way home we were trying to keep him comfortable and keep him awake because if he fell asleep we were scared he wouldnt wake up. Even though weve only had him, a short time he is already a big part of the family and if anything happens to him ill never forgive myself. He was picking up cigarette ends, and pieces of a plastic bag but i made sure that i got them off him. Hes spent the night on a drip and although the vet says hes come through the worse hes still very ill. What if it was something he found in the grass when he was with me, i dont know. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to him and i know that my family wont either, because i was responsible for him at the time and i shouldve been paying more attention to what he was sniffing and picking up he detereioated so quickly. The vet doesnt know what caused him to get ill but says it could be something to do with my dogs gastric..... He had already spent most of the day asleep. I felt so guilty with what happened to my first dog that i felt i shouldve know something was wrong. If anything happens to this one i will never forgive myself, i just dont know what to do im so scared all we can do is prey and hope for the best but there is always what if?