"You just need to go there and speak to someone . . . "

[Edie]

AAARRRGH!!! I just started university on Tuesday. I missed the induction week because I was in panic mode about having an operation, and I missed the first week of classes due to the operation itself. But I started on Tuesday and managed to speak to a couple of people in my class and see all the people I needed to see about the enrolment forms.

Well now I have been set my first assignment. I need to submit my proposal by 17th October. We've been given a handout with LOADS of step-by-step information about the assignment. It'll be easy enough. But there's absolutely no guidance at all about the proposal. I need to email my lecturer. I must be missing a page or something simple like that. She can email it to me easily I'm sure. But I'm terrified of looking an idiot.

Then there's the other bit. I have to go and speak to one of the managers about my project. I need to do this before I can even start my proposal. I don't know any of the managers' names. I'd much prefer to email one of them and arrange an appointment. Then I can turn up and say, "hello, I'm Edie," and they'll know why I'm there.

I get a mentor and my mentor suggests just going down there and speaking to someone. So I'm just supposed to stand there looking gormless and approach random people and ask, "are you the manager?" I'm going to look a total idiot. I'll probably just burst into tears. I don't know where their office is, I don't know my way around, I haven't got to know anyone well enough to ask, I don't know any of the managers' names or what they look like.

I can't do it, I just can't. I can't drop out of uni over speaking to a manager, but I really, really want to. I can't even send the email to my lecturer. Every time I try to write it I'm totally paralysed. I just want to quit uni and go to bed and never get out again. I can't believe I've been floored by something so simple on my very first day.

[Stormsky]

I not going to molly coddle you, im going to give it to you straight!
You need to stop telliing yourself you cant do these things, cos guess what YOU CAN do them...
Youve missed the first couple of weeks, so how are you supposed to know where people are ,names etc?? You wont look gormless, you just just say that youve missed the first couple weeks, apologies that i dont know the names, but im looking for the manager? Ask people the way to places... stop being negative and beating yourself up... youve got nothing to feel stupid and hopeless about....
NEVER tell yourself you CANT DO IT.... or youll start believing that !
Tell yourself YOU CAN and YOU WILL send the email, and you will just GET ON with your new and exciting time at uni.... you have to stop this negative thinking, its doing you no good.

[Paul H]

Stormsky is right, again.

I saw an aspie client the other night. He explained that he couldn't do this or that because he felt anxiety.

Anxiety is part of the human condition. It isn't just you, or him, or her. It isn't just aspies who feel anxious in unfamiliar social situations. We all do. Accept the fear and just do it. Do it like this:


write the email. Just write it. Do it tonight. Just write it.

As you sit there with the send button staring you in the face, follow the following instructions:

1. gently push your tummy out to the count of three. You will automatically inhale whilst doing so.
2. Hold that breath to the count of three
3. Gently exhale to the count of six
4. Follow this breathing routine five times
5. tell yourself - five times- that you've not written anything unusual or weird.
6. Click send. Just do it.
7. Repeat the breathing exercise five times
8. Praise yourself for having achieved this goal.
9. Carry on with your evening.
10. Come back tomorrow, having achieved this goal, and we'll work on the next steps.

Accept the fear and do it anyway.

Paul x

[Edie]

you just just say that youve missed the first couple weeks, apologies that i dont know the names, but im looking for the manager?

My mentor did the "you can do this" head-patting lecture, what I actually needed was something sensible to say. I think I need words with my mentor about this. And also about having a guided tour of the college, which is probably something I missed in my induction too.

I just had a total mental block on what to say that didn't sound stupid. If I'd walked in there not knowing what to say I would just have mumbled something stupid (if I could say anything at all), and looked silly, which would have reinforced my view that I look silly. Now I still feel anxious, but I can walk in there on Friday and say that. THANK YOU!!!!!

My mum told me to just go and ask anyone who looked vaguely older than 25, but there are so many mature students it's hard to tell who is staff and who is a student.

[Edie]

I was all ready, I went there, and there was not a single person there at all! I walked around to look for an office, but there was no office. I don't believe it. This is so hard!

If I knew the manager's name I could send an email, but I don't even know that.

I can try again after my last class. I guess the manager doesn't get to go hone promptly and will still be there. That's all I can think of to try really.

[sophieunderscore]

Hi Edie - I'm just starting my PhD and I'm still finding it hard to ask for help - its my first week this week and I've spent most of it in tears,

Anyway - here is an email you could send your tutor

Dear (tutor)
I am currently a student on (your course) and started a few weeks late due to (insert reason here). I have received details about the (whatever) assignment, but am a little confused as there does not seem to be any information about the proposal - am I missing a sheet or is there somewhere else I can get advice from on this?

Also, I have been told I need to speak to a manager about the project, but as I started late I'm not really sure where to go or who to speak to - do you have an email address for someone who could advise me?
Thank you in advance,
Edie

[Edie]

I went back after my last class and asked someone and they told me the person I needed was due in a meeting shortly, but may still be in her office, and told me where her office was. The reason I didn't see the office earlier is because it's actually a shed. Sadly she was not in her office/shed, but on the door was her name, from which I can work out what her email address will be, so I can email her and try to arrange an appointment next week.

Sopihie, thank you for your suggestion. The other students do have proposal forms, so I must have been missing a page! Your outline is very useful and I am going to use it to email my lecturer to ask for the missing page.

The frustrating thing is that everything else seems to be going OK. I am keeping up academically, where a few others are struggling. I feel confident even about this project once I get started. I am having a little difficulty making conversation and getting to know new people, but I have chatted to a few people and I even know some of their names, so I'll count that as a success too!