Cant keep up, no choice, PA's+++++

[fran43]

Hiya

I have now been in the USA for a week. Has anyone ever experienced, at a home, of putting things away in the wrong places because thoughts are continual.

I am already dreading the flights back home, in-laws leaving a week before we do.

I have felt suicidal since the swope over from one anti-depressant for another. I have tried deep breathing exercises. This unreal feeling is horrible, as is fear of crowds, supermarkets, eating out.

Today was the worse day I have but "rest days" are far worse. Time goes so slowly on holiday. I want and NEED my concentration back now. Being impatient has always been my worst attribute. I have tried a minute, hour at a time but time goes slowly for me.

I fear when everyone goes to bed I will be alone, yet I hate it when I am awake and everyone is up.

I know muscles tighten when anxious, I dont believe I am going to die, I just feel that my legs will give in and I will make an idiot of myself. It hasn't happened and I feel if I let that happen then that will produce more PA's. I guess it may be called a self-fulfilling prophesy. I dont want extra problems.

My young child is irritating me beyond belief, my husband does not understand and says it is psychological. I WANT and NEED to feel normal, is that too much to ask?

I hope NMP friends do not feel I am posting far too much. My hubby went to the pharmacy to ask if I could get some Kalms (which you can buy over the counter in the UK). In the USA you have to see a doctor and I am not covered on my medical insurance.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

Fran X

[eeyorelover]

Hi Fran -
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time of it right now. Vacations are always stressful for me cuz with the kids and the hubby all vacation really means is that I get to clean up after people in a different place - lol
It will get better hun.
Don't ever worry about how much you post. We are always here for ya
take care of yourself!!!
xxx
Sandy

[fran43]

Hi Sandy

Thanks for your fast reply! Everyone has gone to bed, I am alone. Hate it. In the UK my husbby does not got to bed until 11.00/11.30pm so I am ticked off big time.

For once my son is asleep early. At home he goes to bed at 10.30pm and is up at 7.00am, so he must be tired!

I am so glad there is a PC at this home because I truly do not know what I would do. Especially as I feel no one at the house understands what I am going through.

Hopefully I can stay awake as long as I can then if I don't wake during the night I can lie in and then the day is not so long. My brain needs the rest.

Having to tip toe through the house with four people asleep is horrible. Hubby needs the sleep certainly.

Thanks for your fast reply.

Take good care of yourself.

Fran X

[fran43]

Hi Sandy

I think you are right - partners and kids are hard work on holiday. My husband and in-laws do the food shopping but I feel guilt if I dont help out. I then overcompensate!

Today is a "rest day", I truly cannot sit still and relax. My mind simply will not let me.

It seems a no win situation at the moment. Rest days make me get up and do hoovering, washing, ironing etc. Theme parks are equally stressful ie waiting to buy entrance tickets, queues for rides. I mentioned I am recovering from anorexia as well, so ordering anything off a menu provides an instant panic attack.

We are back off to Universal Studios (Islands of Adventure), I cant wait!! The heat and humidity here are very hard, as is putting on a brave face when out of this house amongst "normal" people.

I guess time is the greatest healer. I did feel upset when my son walked past the PC and said NMP was not helping me (little does he know). How does one get across to a child (let alone partners/family/friends) what PA's are, let alone the "unreal" feeling which is pulling me down.

I am pretty sure that PA's feed on themselves. A big one lasts for a couple of hours yet the effects last far longer. If I am wrong here I am sure someone will hopefully tell me.

I will no doubt post at the end of the day. My son is really bored and bored kids are hard at the best of times.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

Fran X