My story - How anxiety ruined my life
Hi everyone
My name is Maisy, I've been reading the forums for a few months now and thought I'd introduce myself and tell my story. Apologies in advance as it is a longgggggg one!!!
Ok so the first time I remember having feelings of anxiety I was just 4 years old and it was the first day of school. Being an only child I had become used to being smoothered with love and attention by all my family and remember feeling totally abandoned and terrified at being left with strangers all day.
I can recall crying hour after hour and constantly asking the teacher when I could go home!
It was at this time when I also developed severe emetophobia, which still plagues me to this day.
In time I grew to accept being away from my family during the day and my anxiety faded. Although I remember I always felt a strong need to be liked by everyone and was always very self conscious as a young child.
Nothing really changed until I was 13 years old and now at high school. I remember that I would get up at 6am in order to spend hours making sure my hair and makeup were perfect, as I always felt I was being judged. I would become extremerly anxious in social situations. I had to make sure friends would meet me outside school everyday as I couldn't face having to walk in alone.
I never really thought much of the feelings I was experiencing at this point, believing that everyone felt this way!!!
It was just a normal day in '99 when my nightmare began. I was 13 years old, sitting at my desk in a science lesson at school, when I suddenly began to feel very dizzy an nauseous. As I stood up to go to next period I felt that I was going to pass out and had to hold onto my friend to steady myself. As I walked down the corridor I experienced my first ever feeling of depersonalization, I was absolutely terrified, as anyone who has had this will know! Felt like nothing was real, I wasn't real, was this a dream? My friends were really worried and took me to the nurses office, who called my mum to collect me. This was the last time I EVER attended school!
We went straight to the Doctors, by now I was experiencing a full blown panic attack and the doctor diagnosed anxiety straight away. I was just told to go home and calm down!
I spend most of the next year in bed trying to 'calm down'. I was having constant panic attacks and feelings of depersonalization. Everytime I stood up the room would spin so much that I felt I would faint. My parents worked full time so I was home alone during the day, I would spent the whole time hyperventilating and feeling that I was going crazy, or dying. I even had to sleep with my mum at night as I couldn't be alone in the dark. It was unbelievable and truly horrific!
After 18 months with no improvment my Doctor begrudgingly prescribed Paroxetine (they didn't like to give anti-depressants to children in those days) With the help of the medication and pure determination I managed to drag myself back to some sort of normality.
At age 16 although still plagued by constant anxiety I was able to attend college and regain a social life. I got my qualifications and had several jobs, although I always had to quit them in the end as the anxiety became too much and I needed time to recover.
At age 20 I decided to go travelling with my boyfriend. It was while we where in Australia that I ran out of Paroxetine, but as I was having such a great time I didn't really think much of it. I didn't realise at the time but I began to change once I came off the medication, became obsessed with exercise and dieting and had several cosmetic procedures in order to feel better about myself.
Once we returned home I retrained and was able to get quite a good job, but during this time I became more and more anxious, exercising more and more and developed an eating disorder. I would panic everyday before I left for work, feeling out of control, trapped and hopeless. I think that when you have had anxiety for such a long time you can ignore a lot of these feelings and just get on with it regardless.
I continued this way for a long time until one day in Oct 2010 when I woke up with what felt like severe flu. Noone was worried at this point until the weeks and then months began to pass and I wasn't getting any better. Couldn't get out of bed for longer than a few hours, was just totally exhaused. I had to quit my job as this point as I just didn't know when I would recover. After months and months the doctor finally diagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which many believe is caused by extreme anxiety.
I was prescribed citalopram and a graded exercise programme and once again it was a long and very difficult battle back to some sort of normality!
I am now able to function most days, can socialise again but haven't yet been able to return to work. My doctor changed my medication to sertraline 12 days ago as I was having visual problems on the cit, so am currently suffering from side effects of the new meds (crazy anxiety etc)
So there it is, my horribly depressing story!!! Oh my gosh I'm really sorry for going on and on guys, but it's nice to vent to people who understand. I spend most of my time hiding my illness from people, they are always stunned when they find out my history!!!
If anyone has any advice I'd be really grateful, thinking about checking into anxiety rehab for a few months as I am now at my wits end. Has anyone tried rehab?
I just feel that things need to change now my life is passing me by because of this damn anxiety. My boyfriend wants me to move in with him but I'm so scared that he couldn't cope with the bad times.
Has anyone been as bad as me and actually recoved, please need some hope
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