Hi, I'd like to ask some advice.
I have Asperger syndrome, which affects my social skills and has led to social anxiety. I have just started university and am beginning to get to know some new people. They are nice and I think I am going to make friends there. I am 31, so older than many of the others, but there are some other mature students older than me so I'm not the only one. We are all interested in our subject, so I think that will override our age differences.
Just over a year ago my brother died in an accident. It was an awful time, but I am immensely well supported by my family, and also my brother's close-knit group of lovely friends. I feel like there is a lot of happiness in my life and I feel positive about my future, even though obviously I still miss him a lot.
I would like some advice on when to tell my new friends about my loss. It would be weird to tell everyone on our first meeting, so I never tell people straight away. But I can't tell when the time feels right and it begins to feel like I am keeping a secret which could damage the friendship.
I started a new job just 2 months after my brother died, did not tell people straight away, and then the time never felt right to bring up the subject. It then became necessary to tell them when I took 2 weeks off to go to America to read a victim impact statement at the sentencing of the man who killed him. Everyone thought I was going on holiday to sunny California, and I had to explain the reason I was going there was not so happy and some people were quite hurt that I hadn't told them sooner. They are OK about it now, but I realise I should have said something sooner.
College worries me more than work, because I think that younger people might have more difficulty knowing how to react as they are less likely to have experienced close losses themselves. I don't want to make people feel awkward by telling them. To help, I always try to tell people when I'm having a good day and won't get emotional, and I tell them how supportive my family are, so they don't feel like I am going to depend on them for support which they might not know how to provide. And I have a photo of my brother messing about in my purse, which I show them and tell them it always makes me laugh - normally they laugh too because it's a funny photo. I like laughing, it's good to laugh, I want people to know it's OK to laugh and be happy around me.
Maybe I will just wait until I start adding new college friends on Facebook. If they look through my older posts they will see all about it. Sometimes now I still post things for my brother's friends to see, for example, information about charities we have supported in David's memory and the work they are doing with the money, they are always really interested in this. So even if new friends don't dig through the older posts, something is bound to come up in the future. It might be better for them to find out via Facebook, as it gives them time to decide what/whether to say anything when they see me face to face.
I'd be quite happy for them to tell each other. Saves me having to do it myself. I don't want it to be a secret, it's just how and when to tell people that I find hard.
I have a tutor and a mentor that I could also ask, but my mentor has been a bit rubbish so far, and asking their advice would mean telling them before I feel ready. But I know they would handle it in a sensible and confidential manner until I feel ready for other people to know.
Anyway, if anyone can advise I'd be very grateful!