When to tell? Advice needed

[Edie]

Hi, I'd like to ask some advice.

I have Asperger syndrome, which affects my social skills and has led to social anxiety. I have just started university and am beginning to get to know some new people. They are nice and I think I am going to make friends there. I am 31, so older than many of the others, but there are some other mature students older than me so I'm not the only one. We are all interested in our subject, so I think that will override our age differences.

Just over a year ago my brother died in an accident. It was an awful time, but I am immensely well supported by my family, and also my brother's close-knit group of lovely friends. I feel like there is a lot of happiness in my life and I feel positive about my future, even though obviously I still miss him a lot.

I would like some advice on when to tell my new friends about my loss. It would be weird to tell everyone on our first meeting, so I never tell people straight away. But I can't tell when the time feels right and it begins to feel like I am keeping a secret which could damage the friendship.

I started a new job just 2 months after my brother died, did not tell people straight away, and then the time never felt right to bring up the subject. It then became necessary to tell them when I took 2 weeks off to go to America to read a victim impact statement at the sentencing of the man who killed him. Everyone thought I was going on holiday to sunny California, and I had to explain the reason I was going there was not so happy and some people were quite hurt that I hadn't told them sooner. They are OK about it now, but I realise I should have said something sooner.

College worries me more than work, because I think that younger people might have more difficulty knowing how to react as they are less likely to have experienced close losses themselves. I don't want to make people feel awkward by telling them. To help, I always try to tell people when I'm having a good day and won't get emotional, and I tell them how supportive my family are, so they don't feel like I am going to depend on them for support which they might not know how to provide. And I have a photo of my brother messing about in my purse, which I show them and tell them it always makes me laugh - normally they laugh too because it's a funny photo. I like laughing, it's good to laugh, I want people to know it's OK to laugh and be happy around me.

Maybe I will just wait until I start adding new college friends on Facebook. If they look through my older posts they will see all about it. Sometimes now I still post things for my brother's friends to see, for example, information about charities we have supported in David's memory and the work they are doing with the money, they are always really interested in this. So even if new friends don't dig through the older posts, something is bound to come up in the future. It might be better for them to find out via Facebook, as it gives them time to decide what/whether to say anything when they see me face to face.

I'd be quite happy for them to tell each other. Saves me having to do it myself. I don't want it to be a secret, it's just how and when to tell people that I find hard.

I have a tutor and a mentor that I could also ask, but my mentor has been a bit rubbish so far, and asking their advice would mean telling them before I feel ready. But I know they would handle it in a sensible and confidential manner until I feel ready for other people to know.

Anyway, if anyone can advise I'd be very grateful!

[Serenitie]

Hi lovely!

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother

Your loss is very personal to you and still very recent. When we make friends initially a friendship is often based on similar interests, work etc. But as the relationships develop and become closer we share more about our lives with friends.

You have no obligation to others to either share or hide your loss. Only you will know when the time is right to share this. Maybe in a conversation with friends who are discussing family issues. You could say something like 'I love my brother David and really miss him' This opens up a conversation naturally with people you trust who can support you with your loss and keeping your brother's memory alive in conversations you have with them.

You are coping so well with such a painful loss and I wish you every happiness in your college course and new friendships

[Edie]

I thought about your suggestion and I think that if other people are having family issues I would not want to manipulate the conversation and make it about me. Or am I over-analysing?

I wondered about maybe waiting until nearer Christmas, as when people ask what I'm doing for Christmas I can tell them I'm going for a walk on the beach with my mum and dad, because we lost my brother last year and don't feel up to celebrating yet. Then afterwards I can ask whet they're doing, so the conversation doesn't end on a sad note. This was how I told someone at my new job last year and it seemed to go well. I thought she'd tell the others, but she didn't and no one else knew until I told them myself.

I've only been there 2 weeks so it feels to early as I haven't made proper friends yet, but nearer Christmas might be about right.

[Tish]

Hi Edie,
I think you're a very wise and sensitive young woman.
I lost my son 7 years ago and I don't tell people because I can't say it without crying and that makes them back off. So, I think your suggestion of telling people in an upbeat manner and being able to smile at the memory of him is spot on. I can do that with close friends and you NEED to talk about him.
I know from experience how handling it wrongly can drive people away but you seem to know how to handle it very well.
My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you well.

[Edie]

Yes I find that some of my existing friends have acted as though I have a contagious disease. Not that I even have many. I've managed to maintain most of those friendships by just not talking about it with those people. They don't know how to help and that scares them, and I don't want people to feel obligated to provide support, because I already have loads. I hope to make friends at college through shared experiences of studying and shared interest in our subject. Knowing how to talk about bereavement is an optional extra. But it's an important thing about me and I don't want to feel like I'm keeping a secret.

Thanks for your reply Tish. I'm very sorry for your loss, but your insight is helpful.

I think I'll just think of a few ways I might tell people and use whichever opportunity comes up at the right moment - not necessarily first, I've only been there 2 weeks and not yet even spoken to a couple of people, it would be way too soon to say anything yet.