A real unexpected dip...

[Munki]

I'm not sure if anyone will respond but it may help just to write anyway.

I've been feeling much better with my GAD for sometime. I got married in May, am looking at starting a family, am doing a degree and working. Life is good.

Yet I can't shake this pathetic, stupid feeling of needing to be more and have more friends. It's like I have to be the one that has loads of friends and be socialising all the time. Where is this coming from? It's like an intrusive thought that keeps really attacking me.

Right now my hubby and I are loving our time together and we're doing a house up so aren't socialising massively. I speak to my close friends and see them fairly and others, very regularly. I have 3 very close friends yet feel I should have more. I hear people talking about nights out and immediately feel inadequate even though I prefer and choose not to.

Yesterday a very selfish friend of mine took umbridge when I had to shorten our lunch appointment, stating that 2 hours wasn't enough to catch up. I managed to get a long awaited fertility appointment at my doctors. It's really knocked me and today I feel terrible. I can't forgive her I don't think as I fear cancelling or changing times with her due to her nature.

I feel really terrible with these intrusive thoughts....

[Angelai]

With regards to your 'friend' - hunny, we don't need people like this in our life. That is NOT the behaviour of a friend. After 2 years of tip-toeing around my supposed 'friend', I am happy to say that I have finally seen the light. She was nasty, unpredictable, selfish and always ended up making me feel bad. I spent 2 years apologising and helping her to put me down! No more. And that feels great.

It sounds like you are doing really well, and you have come a long way already, be proud of that. You are a wife, a student, and you're busy with the house - that's plenty to be going on with - I hope you don't feel that you should be socialising more? Because that is really up to you and no one else. Maybe you are feeling like you want to go out more with your friends because you are married and fear this has taken a little of your independence? That would be a perfectly normal feeling, and will settle down as you get used to your new life. There have been many times in my life when I have felt that, I don't know, I wish I wanted to go out more, if that makes sense? I want to feel how I did when I was happy being much more sociable, even though I don't actually want to go out.

I hope things work out for you with baby-planning

[panickygirl]

Hello,

First of all regarding your friend: I had to stand up to a couple of my friends a couple of years ago, about the fact that they earn considerably more money than I do, and work regular nine to five jobs when I don't. They made me feel bad about the fact that I wasn't always free and sometimes couldn't afford to do things. I turned round and told them that I didn't enjoy being skint, I hated being busy when other people were having fun and that my anxiety meant that sometimes I had to sit rocking on my bed all evening instead of going out and having fun with them - and that trust me, that was more stressful for me than it was for them. We had a massive row and there was a point where I thought I'd lost one of them for good. However, they saw things my way after a point of time (and I guess I also saw things their way too - they simply couldn't relate to my situation and I hadn't really tried to explain it to them, to be fair) and now we are closer than ever. Occasionally I still have to remind them that certain things are harder for me than they are for them, but the most important thing is being honest. Explaining why I can't do things so they don't think I'm just blowing them off, but can understand what I'm going through. If they don't understand that, then they are not friends worth having in your life.

Secondly, try and give yourself a break. You are going through a major transition period in your life with a new husband, house etc. It could be quite stressful but you say that you are loving your time together. Good for you both, that's exactly what this time is for. Don't let outside pressures get to you. Why do you think you need more friends? I was like this too until I realised, hey I'm pretty lucky with what I already have (and also rarely have time to myself, so when am I going to fit in more friends?!) Maybe try and figure out why you feel that way - I was bullied at school and it haunted me with the "must be more popular" thoughts for years after. Make your peace with it and remember that your life is your own, you only get one and yours sounds very happy and fulfilled, so try to enjoy it :-)

Also give yourself credit, you don't go into detail about your fertility but that can be very stressful and you don't need pushy friends making you feel bad!

Sorry for rambling on. Hope you're feeling better now. Enjoy the new house! xx

[Sparkle1984]

I have 4 close friends. To some people it wouldn't seem like many, but its quality rather than quantity that's important. Having a small circle of friends means that I value them more. Some people may have dozens of friends, but how many of them could they actually rely on in a crisis? That's the way I look at it.

[Munki]

Thank you all so very much for your thoughtful replies. I was having a very unexpected and awful day yesterday which literally seemed to appear from nowhere. Sometimes it's a great place here to come and vent and I can honestly say that your replies really lifted me.

You're all absolutely right, of course. I see all of this but it gets very difficult with the way everything is socially constructed these days in that we feel we need to be a certain way to appear popular. I'm 37 and if anyone else said this to me I'd find it somewhat trivial. However, it takes over your thinking and you're left feeling like you're nothing, no-one.

I think mine stems from the fact that I studied and trained to be an actress. I worked professionally for a few years and struggled with the travelling to all part s of the country for castings regularly. When I got work it was amazing and it made me feel different to everyone else. Special, I think is the word. I think because others had the perception that I was this soon to be celebrity (!!!???) it bolstered my ego without my knowledge. All I ever focused on was containing my anxiety enough to audition and do the work so never got to appreciate the highs. No-one sees this though which is why I can understand why so many actors struggle and appear unhappy. Money and fame is nothing if you're struggling to keep in together inside.

Anyway, I think now that I've stepped away from it all it's made me feel 'normal' and I'm not used to that. I used to be a big party girl with lots of acquaintances who was auditioning all week and partying hard at weekends. It gave me plenty to talk about and I dare say, my anxiety made me a little wild. It was also coupled with depression at the time. Regardless, it gave me a little spotlight.

I think the aftermath is upon me and I'm feeling a bit average with a handful of 'real' friends and none of the social circle that I once had. I imagine a lot of this is related to the link with being young and not accepting that you're growing up!

I want to accept and enjoy what I have before something goes and I regret it. My best friends Mum died suddenly at Christmas last year and as an only child she was devastated. It made her realise that nothing else matters and it's just 'stuff'. I don't want the same to happen to me.

I'm trying very hard to deal with it and even find myself googling 'celebrities who don't need friendships' to make me feel better. I do have great friends but it's like the devil on my shoulder is telling me I'm unpopular which, after all, is a reflection of the person we are.

My step sister just popped in and mentioned that she went out on Sat with 12 friends. I immediately felt an almighty dip. She's married with 2 kids and was out with friends. i had a wonderful wedding in May but still compared how many friends I had to my husband.

He says all he wants is me and I'm his world though he has good friends too.

I just want this to end now. I've had enough. Thank you all for your help. xx

[Munki]

I feel a lot better today after giving myself a good old talking to! I shall not be defeated by this. I refuse to! Thanks for all of your help!

[panickygirl]

Think you're doing really well. Try and keep perspective and remember we're here for you to rant to if you need to! All the best! xx