Agoraphobia is ruining my life

[Caz Fab Pants]

The reason I'm posting is because I've just had a really crap day and need to share my thoughts with someone, so here goes: -

I had a lay in this morning and left my partner to deal with the kids because I feel that when I'm asleep I'm not worrying or even existing. I tend to want to sleep alot (yes I know, depression symptom.) However this left me feeling guilty because I'm just wasting the day of the whole family, not just my own.

My partner then took the kids to his parents which has been arranged for a while now and on his return he suggested we go to a pub for drinks. I immediately felt under pressure and began to worry about where we'd be going, whether we would have to walk, would I panic, would I keep going to the toilet etc etc.

Once we were ready my partner said it was too nice to drive so we walked the short distance (not even 5mins) to the nearest pub in town. He didn't want to go in this pub but I felt too uncomfortable to walk any further into town so that is where we went.
After getting our drinks we sat down and the count down started in my head, I knew I needed to think about something else apart from the ever increasing anxiety but couldn't. I then needed the loo and hoped that would make me feel better but when i sat back down at the table I still had tummy ache (I suffer from IBS) and knew I would need to go again soon.
I couldn't concerntrate on the conversation my partner was trying to have with me and instead sat there thinking 'what if's' and worrying about how upset he'll be if we have to leave.
After going to the loo again I then felt even more tense and knew my frame of mind was not going to allow the symptoms to subside so we left.
I felt better once I was on my way home but instantly felt guilty and worried that somewhere that I've previously been able to do is now a nightmare.

Seeing this written down just makes it sound like nothing but it has churned up so many negative immotions in me that I feel lifes not worth living.

I didn't give up though. I had another trip to the loo when we got home, took a tablet for my bowel and got in the car with the intent to go to the pub that we were originally going to. This being just a few minutes further away than the pub we had just been in.
However I was still so shaken by the feelings I'd had that I pulled over just before I got into town and told my partner I didn't want to go. We sat there a few minutes and I knew I had to try so off we went again and I parked up on the square in the town centre.
I didn't even want to walk away from the car, let alone go and sit in a pub full of people. We headed towards the crossing with me walking v.slowly and my partner took one look at me and said 'this just isn't worth it, lets not bother, you're not going to enjoy it and we'll probably have to leave as soon as I've got the drinks in.'
So we drove home in silence.

I couldn't bear to go inside because I knew the mental torture I would put myself through so I drove back to the square, parked up and went in the first pub I came to, got a drink and sat outside on my own feeling like utter ****e! Turns out I was there for about an hour mulling everything over including whether I should split from my partner (who I love to bits) just so he can have a better life.

My partner then called and said he was coming to the pub to have a drink with me and again I felt the anxiety well up and I wanted to tell him not to but I didn't.
I got us a drink and felt I needed the loo AGAIN and wanted to leave because the toilets were horrible. Within about 5mins I was stood next to the table rubbing my partners back and suggesting we go even though I knew he would be annoyed.

I don't blame him for being pissed off because to be honest if the roles were reversed I don't know how much I could take. Knowing that his life is being so restricted because of my stupid thoughts makes me feel awful.

Sorry to go on, I'm just feeling so worthless and feel scared of everything.

Caroline :(

[imported_n/a]

HI CAROLINE,,,

hey dont be pxxxxxd off or even upset with yourself,,
that story i ave just read is the mirror image of me,,i cant go anywhere further than 2-3 miles from my home,,fortunatly or not i live alone so i guess i havent got the pressure there to go anywhere,,
but only one week ago my mum had to go into hospital for a complete knee replacement,,,the hospital was 4-5 miles away ,,so of course i couldnt make it there and i cannot tell you how i feel for not visiting her,,,but we must not get deppessed because we cant do simple things or go to even short distances cause this will only add to our symptoms,,
so please dont get down ok,,,

your post has really touched me ,,you are not on your own here caroline ok,,
tomorow will be a better day,,

we make some great excuses dont we for not going places lol,,

chin up caz,,

xxx

""HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS THERE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER AND DESPAIR""



xxxxdarrenxxxx

[sarah]

Hi Caroline

I can so understand where you are coming from. I too was like that myself for a lot of last year and the only thing I can say is that it WILL get better for you.

Ok so im saying this with the benefit of hindsight and I know that if I were you I would be reading this reply and thinking 'yeah right, maybe you didnt have it as bad as me' but I can honestly say I used to feel terrible.

We live 5 minutes from the local pub and I too used to have a complete panic if my husband suggested walking. IF I did go to the pub (which was once in a blue moon when I was feeling extra brave), I regretted it the instant I agreed to go. I drove there and wouldnt go in unless there was a space right outside the door where I could see my car from where I was sitting. If there was no space, I either drove round the block 100 times until there was a space or I went home and left Steve to go in and call mates to join him. I felt so lame and useless. I used to go home and crawl into bed in tears and inevitably not surface for a couple of days.

When I was in there I didnt contribute to any conversation as my head was totally filled with trying to stop myself from fainting/panicking or being sick.

I used to walk round supermarkets holding onto the trolley feeling like it was the only thing holding me up. I was dizzy, couldnt see properly and if my husband walked out of my sight I stood rooted to the spot in terror and phoned him on my mobile to ask him to come back.
Ditto for shopping in town. As for going anywhere on my own..well forget it. No way was I leaving the house without steve practically sugically attached to my hand.

Im guessing that all this is sounding extremely familiar and that is the reason I wrote it, to let you know that you arent alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Its taken a lot of dedication and perseverance but now I go out on my own and can wander round town and pop into a shop without steve and tell him 'im just going in here, will meet you outside in 10 minutes'.

There are a few factors that have helped me...

This site - The support I have had from here is amazing. I remember posting to say I had walked up the road to buy a pint of milk and feeling so pleased I had to tell someone and the congratulations and well done's I got from people inspired me to keep at it.

Hypnotherapy - Would reccomend it to anyone!

CBT - I had group therapy and it was great to meet other people who felt exactly the same

Medication - Took the edge off the panic.

Realxation Cd

Keeping busy - I did loads of jigsaw puzzles, pottery, DIY, gardening..anything to keep me not dwelling on my feelings

Rescue Remedy - Took the edge off panic immediately

Water - I carry a small bottle of water everywhere I go.

Dressing confidently - The first time I went to the supermarket on my own I put a suit on. Sounds daft but in my head I pretended that I was a sucessful career girl picking up the shopping after work. I still felt pretty bad but I survived it and can now do it almost without thinking (or dressing up...lol).

WOW ok ive waffled on enough I think...lol sorry about that but your post touched me and I felt I had to let you know its possible to come out the other side.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are!!!

love Sarah
xx






we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution

[Caz Fab Pants]

Dear Sarah and Darren,

Thank you for your imput. Sounds like we have a lot in common!!

Taking me ages to try and write this reply because unfortunately my day isnt getting any better but thats the kids not my anxiety, although I wonder if the two are related LOL!!

I did actually manage to walk back into town with my 2sons to post a letter (even though theres a post box closer) and I felt completely fine. I guess thats because I knew I didnt have to stay there for any length of time, I was in control and could decide if and when to leave and there was nobody (no adult) to witness anything if I did have a problem.

After today I've realised my problem areas have changed slightly, they seem to evolve a bit like the physical symptoms do.

I dont tend to have a full on panic attack these days, instead I get a drawn out anxiety attack.
I dont get 'nervous' symptoms like dry mouth or clammy hands, instead I get a tight chest and poo lots :-)

Could go on and on but dont want to bore you. Plus I want to catch up with Big Bro so catch you later.

Hugs
Caroline
x

[twister]

why dont you try taking some immodium or fibrogel for your IBS - it would be one less thing to worry about it when you go out.

Emily

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad

[Caz Fab Pants]

Emily,

I did try fibrogel but the trouble is when I'm not out panicking I tend to get the opposite problem where I dont go much at all. I've found the best thing is antispasmodic tablets I've been prescribed which I really ought to try and remember to take a short while before I go and do something scary.

Just need to off load again if thats ok.

Got a call last night from a friend who I dont really see much of, partly because I dont go out much and partly because when I do see her she tends to talk non stop about herself. She means well but it makes me feel like she's talking AT me rather than TO me and a couple of times my mind has ended up wondering and I've panicked.

Trouble is she has just been really ill with gastric, sickness bug and has lost a stone in 4days which means she now weighs 7st 9lbs and is probably like a rake. The reason she called was to tell me all about it, in full detail and then asked me to go round and cut her hair to make her feel better about her appearance.

So, on the spot I agreed and am due to go round this morning but I am worrying myself silly because the last two times I went to her house I panicked and I'm terrified of vomiting so desperately dont want to catch her bug.

Its such a difficult situation because my fighting side is saying go round, see how you feel and dont start cutting her hair unless you feel ok. If you feel panicky try and stick it out, maybe tell her whats going on in your head and imagine how chuffed you'll feel when it passes.
However my negative side is saying; you always panic when you go there, you've talked yourself into it so your bound to, you wont be able to leave once you've started cutting her hair which will make you panic, if you need to keep going to the loo you've got more chance of catching her bug and just think how many days you're going to spend worrying and wondering whether you're going to get sick!

God its like torture. I hate letting people down and hate to confess to the reasons I often have to change plans or back out, it makes me feel weak.
Part of me feels annoyed that she's put me in this situation because she knows about my problems but then again its good of her to keep in touch and not get pissed off about me always turning down her invitations.

Forgot to mention that when I go round I'm going to be taking my 1year old son aswell who is still crawling as he hasn't quite mastered walking yet. What are the chances he's going to pick up the bug!!?? That will mean that even if I dont catch it from her, I'm bound to catch it while I'm looking after my son and then the rest of the family will get it.

OH MY GOD, my thoughts are just running wild and all because a friend wants a little pep up haircut!!! Really tempted to ask her to come to my house which is a bit of a cop out but at least she would get her hair done. Bit mean to ask that though because she's probably feeling pretty feeble and run down.

Guess it's time to decide and let her know what I'm doing.

From a rather unhappy
Caroline
x