re-lapse: can't stop obsessing

[Goodmorningmidnight]

Hello all, I realised back in September that I may have a problem with anxiety and perhaps depression. Was off work, GP gave me Propranolol and work have referred me to CBT (starts next week).
I am studying part-time for a PhD, so amongst a few other steps to simplify my life and help me recover, I have interrupted my studies for this term.
I was feeling miles better, but a friend asked me to do some undergrad teaching for her on a module run by a big cheese in academia. I went to the first intro session, but as the day of teaching came nearer I had a massive panic attack (worst ever) and decided not to go ahead with the sessions (worried because I can become suicidal, especially in tube stations and the trip requires lots of travel within London). Anyway, the module leader was obviously pretty angry when I cancelled and while I am aware that a) I gave him some notice and b) it is a legit health problem, I can't shake the fact that he hates me and thinks I am a loser. I can't stop thinking about how much he must hate me, and want to ruin my career. And likewise how I have ruined my own career in turning down this offer. I also think my friend must think I am a real failure. I just need to escape from this feeling of self-hate and anxiety. I can't stop taking on his feelings towards me, and what a bad, stupid person I am.

[BobbyDog]

You are not bad, a failure or stupid, that is your anxiety talking to you. You did not choose to have anxiety/depression and do have a legitimate health problem, your friend and the "big cheese" should be a little more compassionate. CBT is not long away and that should really help you deal with all the negative self talk, guilt and hatred you have for yourself. Taking time off to heal and get help is the best thing you can do for yourself at the moment.

[Anxious_gal]

If you had come down sick with the flu, food poising, etc. would you feel guilty?
You're mental well being is just as important as your physical well being.

[Goodmorningmidnight]

Thanks guys, that helps a lot - I just can't wait to re-set my self esteem. Feel like I have no filter for other people's expectations...
xx