Feeling hopeless

[freakedout]

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom again. I despair. I was feeling less depressed recently, which is more obvious to me now that I am feeling worse. My mind is working overtime with continuous guilt, self-hatred and feelings of uselessness. I wished I was dead. To just lie down and die. I am pre-occupied with morbid deathly thoughts. I keep telling myself I will feel better tomorrow, but for how long?

My act of feeling ok is wearing really thin, I am exhausted with the pretence and know that I am becoming numb and expressionless. I want to sleep, to dream nice dreams. I never want to wake up, when I do, I dont want to face the day. Today is like yesterday, tomorrow will be like today. Just going through the motions cracking a false smile every now and then. I want to run away from myself, but there is nowhere I can run as I cannot leave the house alone. Besides, if I did run, it wouldnt be from myself.

My thoughts need paralyzing, my brain needs sucking out of my head, boil washing then a fast spin. If I could stop thinking I may feel better.

Anybody got any suggestions? I take mirtazapine 30mg. Has anyone had this med increased and noted an improvement? I dont know what to do.

Freaky

[bluebottle]

Have you got any friends? Can you join a mental health support group? We need to mix when we're depressed even though it feels like the last thing on earth we want to do.

Are you seeing any mental health support services people?

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I do know exactly how you feel. Hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression. To me depression is frustration. In my head I have a person that I want to be and a lifestyle that I want to lead, but I actually feel like the exact opposite of that person. I guess I see myself as part of that Primrose Hill/ Hampstead set, good looking, loaded, a varied, exciting and satisfying work life, if I split up with a girlfriend I soon pick up another gorgeous girl.....

Instead i stack tins of beans for a living in a small, Northern town. I did live in London for just over a year and I had a little glimpse of that lifestyle, but it was really bad for me and screwed me up quite a lot.

It's been really hard to work out what it is that I want. I know that I want to be a lot more healthy, stable and grounded than I have been. I'm trying to surround myself with positive people. At the moment I suppose my ambitions are: to expand my support network and have friends that can help to motivate and inspire me, people who are reliable; to occupy my time in a way which is rewarding, satisfying and where I feel like I am growing- I'm looking to get into football coaching and I'm currently doing some voluntary work in the leisure sector as well as in fundraising.

I've always had ambitions to pull myself up the status ladder, but I guess that I was aiming to be like Kate Moss or something, when actually it's the people who run their own businesses, race marathons, travel the world and build their own home that I should be using as my role models.

I don't know your full circumstances, but I guess that, like me, the things that you've always wanted or thought you wanted seem a million miles away and you feel powerless to do anything about them. I'd say ask yourself what you really want and think about proactive ways of trying to make it happen.

I've suffered from depression all my life and the last 4 years have been hell because I've developed high levels of anxiety and panic attacks too. I have felt suicidal, but I know that I don't want to die, so the only option I have is to go on and to try and make things better for myself, to work out why I've been feeling this way.

With me, the flaws in my thinking are:that I'm too passive;I fear almost everything and let the fear beat me; I'm toocrtical of myself and the standards that I expect of myself are far too high;and I put off far too many things until later in life 'when I feel more confident'.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[freakedout]

Hi, thankyou bluebottle and W.I.F.T.S.

I appreciate your replies.

I am under the 'care' (if that is the right word) of a psychiatrist, and see a CPN fairly regularly. I find it extremely difficult to put my feelings and thoughts into words though during my consultations. I have in the past written things down, but couldnt pluck up the courage to get the paper out of my pocket, looking like a complete imbecile.

I can relate to a lot of what WIFTS said, however I had a 'happy' life, I was confidant and successful. I made many mistakes, things were not perfect but I have a husband, children, a successful career, that was all I wanted. My career is gone now. Having been off work sick for over 12 months I am waiting to either have my contract terminated or ill-health retirement.

I struggled with my panic disorder throughout my degree to get my qualification and am gutted that it was all for nothing.

I think having a happy childhood with lots of wonderful experiences and opportunities makes adult life, by comparison dull. I lived in the London area as a teenager, when I had all the confidance in the world. I wanted to be a ballerina, and went to a very prestigious school there.

I quit when I met my husband. I have four beautiful children, but they are the losers, my panic and anxiety rubs off on them. Their opportunities are so limited because of my avoidance and isolation. This just increases my guilt and self-loathing.

I do have a few very close freinds. I cannot share my feelings with them anymore as I fear that I will drive them away. I put on my 'act' when I see or speak to them.

I feel bad for coming on this site and sounding off, especially when lots of people here offer great support and are very positive.

I want to sleep and dream nice dreams, to awaken from my dreams and be thrown back into this wretched life is torture.

Sorry, I will quit while I am ahead! On a positive note (rare for me!!) - I will probably feel better tomorrow.

Thanks again.

[groovygranny]

Please feel GOOD about coming on this site and sounding off - that's what it is for! And I'm sure there are many of us who would be anything but positive if we hadn't found so many people like ourselves here to whom we can relate. I zoom around everywhere here!

I've only been a member for a few days and already it's making a difference knowing I can come on at any time and never feel alone - I mean the 'aloneness' we can feel even when we are not 'on our own'!

It's 3.20am, sleep won't come but....I am not alone!

Take care
xxx


'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I'm not sure if you follow football, but I read recently that Eric Cantona felt like his life was over when he retired from playing. I can totally relate to that. I went to London to try and make it in the media and live the sort of lifestyle that you see on tv and in the papers- picnics on Primrose hill, trendy wine bars....

Instead I fell in love with a woman 16 years older than me who was very into Cannabis and Cocaine. She cheated on me several times and I ended up feeling totally worthless. My behaviour was very erratic and I alienated nearly all of my friends.

I came home to the town and family that I had spent forever trying to escape from to recuperate. I felt like my life was over. I was literally waiting for the world to end. I had no friends in this town (or anywhere else come to speak of), I was too scared to do anything in case I made a mistake and I felt doomed to being an unskilled labourer.

I knew when I left London to come home that I was going to be depressed. I'd had one spell when I was 18 and another when I was 21 and I thought that I knew how to handle it. I wasn't prepared for the hell that I have been through though. The night before I came home I had my first real panic attack and it was horrendous. I didn't know what it was and I thought I was going mad.

Four years on I have made some progress. I volunteer as a Social Coordinator for my local gym, where I've organised football and netball teams. I'm also working with the town mayor to raise £20,000 to build a holiday home for sick kids. I'm hoping to qualify as a football coach and move in to that too.

I keep praying that my work is the biggest factor in the way that I feel and when I do eventually leave it will be like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders.

It's wierd, but recently I've started feeling stronger and calmer and my fiancee, who has been through severe trauma, but somehow managed to stop herself having panic attacks, has been feeling worse. I can see what the problem is with her. She's very tense and she's exhausted, which has caused her to be anxious, which has caused her to be depressed.

I don't know how old your kids are or anything, but the weird thing about inter-depedant relationships is that they don't always work the way that you think. Yes, I'm sure that my mother's lack of confidence has had a lot to do with the way that I am, but stronger personalities might use your 'disability' as a cue for them to take the lead and to be more active.

From what you've written tow things are glaringly obvious:

1) Your negative thinking. "gutted that it was all for nothing", "My career is gone now". Everything that you have done has gone into making you the person that you are today, every experience was valuable. You may not have taken the easy uni-career path, but I don't actually think that that many people go on to work in the field that they studied for and then follow the career progression right through. I went to Uni to study media. When that didn't work out I was lost about what to do, but now I've got irons in the fire with leisure, web design and fundraising and I could always go back into media.

I've worked in a warehouse stacking tins of beans for the last 4 years, so my cv isn't very impressive. But the voluntary work that I have done supercedes it, plus with voluntary work I can choose exactly what I want to do, what hours I work and I don't have any pressure for performance or results. maybe you'd get a buzz out of being a dance teacher?

I think very much the same as you, that my career has to be rigid and formal, but in reality I can do whatever interests me. I can work for myself. i don't have to answer to some interviewer, that's not what my life is for.

I really admire people who reinvent themselves and start a second career doing something that they really love. Why can't you do the same?

2) the second thing that I have noticed is that you keep everything shut in: you can't talk to your friends or counsellor. I'm not sure if the moderators would appreciate this, as they'

[tulip123]

Voluntry work. Thay was the key for me. By helping others, it helped me worm my way slowly from my depression (2000 - I call the big one). I gained so much confidence from it over about a year. Nothing is a magic wand but if your sub concious feels you are an OK person, the rest will follow. Also a simple "You are doing a good job" can help remarkably + support, encouragment in the right places. I tried to put myself in a position to grt this. My voluntary work led to other opportunites and soon I got myself out of a boring job and a rut into a life full of opportunites. I now have a ver fulfilling job which I love. It was not easy and it continues to be not easy. I'm not pretending the anxiety is all gone or ever will go completely, but I'm much happier in myself than I was. It just about making things happen rather than letting them happen.

Tulip

[Dave777]

Hello, hang on in there, sorry it's so tough at the moment.
You have good friends here, me included.
Don't worry about sharing your problems, that's what the Forum is for.
PM me anytime, I'm always glad to hear from you.

your friend Dave[8D] x




Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[freakedout]

Thankyou ALL very much for taking the time to respond to my post. I truly appreciate it.

I have voluntary work of some sort in mind, I am not sure what or when, but that is my plan for re-introducing myself to work in the big wide world. It scares me but that is what I plan, at some point.

I would perhaps like to eventually run a business from home. Again, I am not sure what that might be.

I am keen to express myself through art and have been looking at building a website to show my work. I dont really see myself as an artist, however I have sold on ebay in the past so you never know. I find art very therapeutic, drawing or painting, and this allows me to express feelings that I cannot put into words.


I do keep a journal, which is a bit vague, but yes that is useful sometimes.

Thanks Dave777 for your support via pm's.

I see my GP this week, eeeekk!! I will see what he suggests about my medication.

Thanks again everyone,

Freaky

[W.I.F.T.S.]

The hardest part is the first step. When I took on my voluntary role as Social coordinator I think they envisaged me organising a trip every couple of months, so they were amazed that I took it so professionally and organised loads of sports teams, got local businesses to donate things to us and even set up a website of our own. I knew in the past that I hadn't fully committed myself to doing things and then I'd felt miserable that I got no satisfaction from them. I was determined this time that I would give it my everything and if it didn't work out then atleast I'd given it my best shot.

I've been doing it for 8 months now and it's the sort of job that I wouldn't have stood a hope in hell of getting if it was paid work. It's great because it gives me opportunity to meet loads of new people and to do new and challenging things. It would be even better if it was paid, but there's every chance that it could lead on to something. When I first took it on I did panic though and thought 'I can't cope', 'I can't handle it, I'll have to quit'. But I got through that bit ok.

Talking of building websites, I actually taught myself how to do it. I think that I went the long way round and went through all the tutorials, when there are actually some really straight-forward templates. A short course would be a great confidence-builder too!

My website is getting about 350 unique users a month (up from 250 when it started in May), which isn't bad considering the only advertising is in the gym and via word of mouth. The idea with setting it up was that people would come for the information and then they would click on my banners and buy things, which would create income for me. That hasn't worked out, but you never know unless you try.

Personally, the way that I hope things pan out is that I qualify in football coaching. Then I can build up my experience of that part-time and cut down my hours at work. Once I'm fully confident that I can make a living I can then leave work altogether.

It seems like you're a very creative person. i don't know what your financial situation is like. I couldn't afford to stop working, even though I hate my job and it is one of the biggest causes of my depression and anxiety- because I can't find anything else that pays as much as it does. But, if you've been off work then, in a way, you've got much more freedom than a lot of people to find out what it is that you want to do without the pressures of having to earn a living.

One idea that springs to mind is that you could start a business that promotes stress-management through physical (dance) and creative (art) activities.

I was once in a CBT session and my counsellor asked me to tell her about all the things that were wrong with my life and my body language was really slouched, my voice was monotonous... she then asked me to sit in the next chair and tell her about all the good things and I suddenly became really animated, I was smiling, I was talking with my hands...my point is that once you develop interests and get into something it wakes up your whole body and takes that huge weight off your shoulders. It is very hard, I know, but be confident that you will get through that and stick with it and your self-esteem will start to snowball. Where before you saw no hope, suddenly there are limitless possibilities.

Just take that first step.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.