people don't understand...

[rb1978]

I just wondered how many of you feel that people desert you when times get tough.

When I'm "ok" (as much as I ever am) I have a few friends who will text daily and we keep in good contact. Last couple of weeks, I've been going through a really rough patch and it's amazing how they just disappear. It's always the same...you say things are tough right now and get met with stony silence until eventually you pull yourself out of it and re-establish contact with them of your own accord.

Same with family. I don't have many relatives who are still alive but those that are contact me maybe twice a year if that. Doesn't matter if I tell them how bad things are right now, they just switch off.

I think the problem is they've never experienced anxiety or depression themselves. I suppose if I'd broken my leg people would be full of sympathy cos they could 'understand' it.

[MRS STRESS ED]

I totally agree my friends disapeared except one true friend ,but mind you shes suffers from depression so she knows , and some family stopped phoning me and calling I feel like everyone gets fedup listening to me people would say ,why you like this, pull yourself together, the worst comment was you need a kick up the arse ,lol If that was the cure for anxiety I would kicked my arse along time ago so I try not to tell them anymore ,so thats why I LOVE THIS SITE WE CAN ALL RELATE TO THINGS

[fozzy is crying]

I just wondered how many of you feel that people desert you when times get tough.

When I'm "ok" (as much as I ever am) I have a few friends who will text daily and we keep in good contact. Last couple of weeks, I've been going through a really rough patch and it's amazing how they just disappear. It's always the same...you say things are tough right now and get met with stony silence until eventually you pull yourself out of it and re-establish contact with them of your own accord.

Same with family. I don't have many relatives who are still alive but those that are contact me maybe twice a year if that. Doesn't matter if I tell them how bad things are right now, they just switch off.

I think the problem is they've never experienced anxiety or depression themselves. I suppose if I'd broken my leg people would be full of sympathy cos they could 'understand' it.

I do not feel that people desert you when times get tough. THEY HAVE DONE JUST THAT.

I do not have the luxury any more of any living family or friends in real life. Not a one and I have had to put up with this for a very long time. I am retired so I also do not even have work colleagues to see.

I suggest those who do have someone that they do all they can to hang on to them, even if you have to keep making the first move. Believe me you do not want to get to the stage you finish up in my situation.

Gordon

[theharvestmouse]

I think that a lot of people do not understand mental illness, I have also lost nearly all my friends, well I now know those people were not friends because they have never bothered to offer support.

[BellaBella88]

That's really sad. It's good that people can turn to forums like this for support.

My boyfriend has been really caring, even though he doesn't understand what it's like. I owe so much to him because I know that normal 'friends' wouldn't want to know about it.

[Sparkle1984]

It's really sad. Thankfully the friends and relatives I've told have been understanding. I don't feel confident enough to tell my work colleagues or social club acquaintances though.

[lizzie29]

I have time agree - people don't stand and some don't even try to. I've been told tonight that getting upset about a certain issues is "pathetic" and that that's "not how someone your age should react". I can't help thinking that if I had a physical illness noone would dream of saying things like this. Why should it be any different for anxiety and other mental illnesses? I also got told that z"life is unfair" - believe me I've been through enough to know that. However, knowing life isn't fair doesn't mean I can switch off feelings and emotions.

You're not alone, there are others out there who can and will sympathise. We're all here for you :-)

[Sparkle1984]

Yeah I hate it when people say things like "life is unfair!" People definitely wouldn't say things like that about physical illnesses.

[fozzy is crying]

Below I have on my website on the Home tab page.

I hope it helps. For those with family and friends around them but not understanding or worse I suggest you show them this post or better still print it out and give them a copy.

At the same time tell them what I tell those who mock.

Remember. One day it could be you or the one you love the most!!!!

Mental illness will touch the lives of just about everyone either as a sufferer or someone connected to them. Understanding what the sufferer is going through is very hard to comprehend. Knowing and reacting to their immediate needs is so often ignored. Just because they seem to carry on from day to day does not mean they can. Do not assume anything. Do not assume someone else can help. Do help if you can. Even if it is just to listen. If possible offer some sort of lifeline.

What does the sufferer fear the most? They fear being isolated and abandoned.

What does the sufferer need the most? They need to be heard, they need support, they need to feel safe and be safe. Most of all they need their isolation to go away.

When people you are close to aren’t supportive, it’s likely to be because they are confused and unprepared for what is happening. You may have to accept that you will lose some or all people. Hopefully, with time and reflection, they will come back to you. Even better is if they standby you come what may. This can take away the disabling stigmas of isolation, abandonment and worthlessness.

Research by the Mental Health Foundation found that 56% of people suffering from mental distress had experienced discrimination by family and 51% said they had experienced discrimination by friends. These experiences include name calling, not being taken seriously, being told to ‘pull yourself together’ and being ‘dropped’ or avoided.

If someone in your family or a loved one has a mental illness, you may be feeling frustration, anger, resentment and more. These are very common and human reactions but are they right? In some few cases they might be, in most not. In most cases they impair heavily on the sufferer as these feeling are expressed directly against them. The result being they feel even worse and the deep hurt it inflicts can make a very difficult situation impossible leading to devastating results.

So what should you think and do instead? Firstly think of the person you knew before their crisis. Do you want to see that person back to that time? Think how they are feeling now. Try and put yourself in their place and think how you would feel in exactly the same circumstances. Think what you would want in that situation from those who love and care for you. Then think how you can help. Most important do not just think do it! You might and should also make sure you have the help and support from loved ones for both you and the sufferer.

It’s not just hurtful to tell someone that their mental illness is their fault; it’s pretty much unconscionable because you are kicking a person when they are down. Believe me, the person with the mental illness already feels bad enough about being sick without you adding the extra pressure that somehow they’ve brought it on themselves. And also believe this – every person with a mental illness has also gone through a point when they have blamed themselves and you heaping more scorn upon them just takes them back to a time of self-blame in their lives, and they don’t need to be there.
Saying, “Your mental illness is your fault,” is not just harmful to the person but also their health and possibly their lives because of how powerful their illness can be on their lives. You’re taking a bad situation and making it worse.

So instead of judging a person with a mental illness and suggesting that they are not doing everything in their power to get better (which most of them are) how about you try some compassion? Like the same compassion you would show a person with cancer? Everyone knows the horrors of that illness and the treatment for that illness and believe me, mental illness can be every bit as much of a horror show so how about saying, “That must be very difficult for you.” It’s not exactly the Gettysburg address, but it shows that you’re listening, not judging and acknowledging their realities.

And that’s all they really want.

[lizzie29]

Fozzy - that's so true and so well written. It actually made me cry! If only people understood it would make our battles so much easier.