Hi everyone. It's been a while since I last posted anything on this website. For that I deeply apologise. However, today, I feel absolutely terrible. I'm crying my eyes out as we speak because I feel like a complete and utter failure and I don't know what to do. I have been doing so well for the past 6 months, having no panic or anxiety, being totally confident and back to my 'normal' sociable self, going to parties, evenings out and really feeling great - then BANG. My husband happens to go out for the evening, returning back today, and I am reduced to a jibbering wreck from the moment he left the house. The thought of being alone really has turned the apple cart upside down !

In fact, I have been doing so well lately that I went to my GP to reduce my anti-depressant medication because the 30 mg dosage was making me feel too groggy and after a chat we decided to reduce the dosage to 15 mg. I have been taking these now for about 2 weeks and I've had the odd side effect, dizziness, hot flushes etc. All of which I have dealt with because they were expected.

I have been doing such confident things since my meds were reduced, talking to strangers with ease, going to places on my own that I wouldn't have done before and feeling totally wonderful.

Then yesterday, seeing my husband leave the house, BANG. My stomach churned like a tub of butter, I felt sick, I needed the toilet all of the time. I had a totally sleepless night. I tried distraction, by doing word puzzle books in bed, reading to try to put me to sleep, but all the time in the back of my head I kept thinking, I'm on my own, I don't know how to deal with this, I back on that slippery slope and I don't know if I have the strength to come back because it's taken me so long to get to where I am today that I really don't feel that I can carry on this fight anymore.

I don't want to go back onto my full meds because I feel like I've let myself and everyone else down. I've actually had to reach for my Diazepam today and last night. I have haven't had to touch those damn things for at least 3 months.

I have feeling like this. I'm just hoping that this is just a gliche and a sudden more severe side effect of my reduced meds. I hope so, because I really don't want to think about what the consequences will be if I am reduced to being back to a complete nervous wreck. I know that my nerves are just shot to threads but I have felt so well lately and have had a complete sense of achievement. I have done this myself, no one has helped me. Myself alone has crawled out of my dark pit back onto dry land, I've done it all by myself.

I know exactly what's behind all of this - TRAVEL. I am going to Rome at the end of September and I have to attend a function in Wales with my husband at the beginning of September and I am absolutely dreading the travelling by car, because I have to keep stopping at various points to visit the toilet because I am so nervous. It pisses my husband off something rotten, and I think that is where my nervousness stems from. He is one of the pull yourself together brigade and I don't feel totally confident when I am travelling by car. I've tried talking to him about this, but he just flies off the handle, tells me to concentrate on my CBT techniques that I have learnt and just to try to relax. It's easier said than done though isnt' it - as you all probably know all to well.

I'm calmer now. I feel so much better when writing my feelings down and I do keep a journal just for the relaxation of writing. It could also be the Diazepam working it's magic. Still, it's helped me to think a lot clearer. Now is the time when I can rationalise my thoughts. I'm feeling rotten because it's probably a side effect of my reduced meds, and it's just something that my GP has said that I should sit tight through and come out of the other end - hopefully smiling.

Look at me, garbling on so long. I haven't really posted this for any replies, but if anyone does have any comments I really would appreciate them.

Thanks everyone.