BACK TO SQUARE ONE !

[MrsCluggy]

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I last posted anything on this website. For that I deeply apologise. However, today, I feel absolutely terrible. I'm crying my eyes out as we speak because I feel like a complete and utter failure and I don't know what to do. I have been doing so well for the past 6 months, having no panic or anxiety, being totally confident and back to my 'normal' sociable self, going to parties, evenings out and really feeling great - then BANG. My husband happens to go out for the evening, returning back today, and I am reduced to a jibbering wreck from the moment he left the house. The thought of being alone really has turned the apple cart upside down !

In fact, I have been doing so well lately that I went to my GP to reduce my anti-depressant medication because the 30 mg dosage was making me feel too groggy and after a chat we decided to reduce the dosage to 15 mg. I have been taking these now for about 2 weeks and I've had the odd side effect, dizziness, hot flushes etc. All of which I have dealt with because they were expected.

I have been doing such confident things since my meds were reduced, talking to strangers with ease, going to places on my own that I wouldn't have done before and feeling totally wonderful.

Then yesterday, seeing my husband leave the house, BANG. My stomach churned like a tub of butter, I felt sick, I needed the toilet all of the time. I had a totally sleepless night. I tried distraction, by doing word puzzle books in bed, reading to try to put me to sleep, but all the time in the back of my head I kept thinking, I'm on my own, I don't know how to deal with this, I back on that slippery slope and I don't know if I have the strength to come back because it's taken me so long to get to where I am today that I really don't feel that I can carry on this fight anymore.

I don't want to go back onto my full meds because I feel like I've let myself and everyone else down. I've actually had to reach for my Diazepam today and last night. I have haven't had to touch those damn things for at least 3 months.

I have feeling like this. I'm just hoping that this is just a gliche and a sudden more severe side effect of my reduced meds. I hope so, because I really don't want to think about what the consequences will be if I am reduced to being back to a complete nervous wreck. I know that my nerves are just shot to threads but I have felt so well lately and have had a complete sense of achievement. I have done this myself, no one has helped me. Myself alone has crawled out of my dark pit back onto dry land, I've done it all by myself.

I know exactly what's behind all of this - TRAVEL. I am going to Rome at the end of September and I have to attend a function in Wales with my husband at the beginning of September and I am absolutely dreading the travelling by car, because I have to keep stopping at various points to visit the toilet because I am so nervous. It pisses my husband off something rotten, and I think that is where my nervousness stems from. He is one of the pull yourself together brigade and I don't feel totally confident when I am travelling by car. I've tried talking to him about this, but he just flies off the handle, tells me to concentrate on my CBT techniques that I have learnt and just to try to relax. It's easier said than done though isnt' it - as you all probably know all to well.

I'm calmer now. I feel so much better when writing my feelings down and I do keep a journal just for the relaxation of writing. It could also be the Diazepam working it's magic. Still, it's helped me to think a lot clearer. Now is the time when I can rationalise my thoughts. I'm feeling rotten because it's probably a side effect of my reduced meds, and it's just something that my GP has said that I should sit tight through and come out of the other end - hopefully smiling.

Look at me, garbling on so long. I haven't really posted this for any replies, but if anyone does have any comments I really would appreciate them.

Thanks everyone.

[clarissa]

Just a little suggestion to help, when the days / times are good, record those feelings in a seperate book/ tape, then when "the **** hits the fan" days do turn up, read the positive I find that it helps me to distract, I think it a fairly common time - 6mnths to have a glitch. I know I did, meds, I found that deceiving myself into "pill popping" helped - I did it with "tik-tacks" If I took one I was ok, reduced my medication a treat, I knew I was well on the way to getting better when I forgot.
Just a 1 womans way of helping another womans dilema !

there's a place that I dream of when I sleep, so peaceful, so quite, I call it mother earth.

[jackie]

definitely not back to square one. please look at claire weekes books both mentioning the necesity of setback and how you learn more and more every time. and how every setback unleases inner strength that you were not aware you had

even if i was all better i would still hate to be left alone in the house. you must accept this as normal reaction and emotion. some people are ok on their own and sone arent. that does not make you an anxious wreck but someone who needs people near her

you have to remember that life is full of highs and lows and that just because you felt low today it was a very normal reaction and not going back to square one

well done , no looking back, just life

jackie

[jo-jo]

Hi Jackie
First of all, you have NOT let anyone down, least of all yourself. So glad that posting your feelings has helped to feel a little better, you are experiencing a blip, and thats all it is.
These glitches do happen but they aren't the end of the world, you are doing really well and should be very proud of yourself for getting back up and on your feet.
Keep looking forward, and treat this episode as part of a learning curve.
Good luck!
Jo x

"courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"

[Piglet]

Definately not going backwards - life is an ongoing forwards sort of a thing.

You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when your shoes don't feel like they fit - you're just having a bad shoe day really!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.