Obsessive Catastrophic Thoughts & Panic

[mommyandamelia]

Hello everyone!
Boy do I wish we were meeting under different circumstances! I joined to meet some people that may be suffering from some of the things that I do and hoping to find some solace in that because these days, I truly feel like I'm going crazy! I know that the things that go through my mind that paralyze me with utter fear are so irrational, but it doesn't help in calming me down. I've had anxiety for years (I'll be 34 in a few days) - but the past year, it has just gotten awful and almost debilitating. I have a major health anxiety and constant symptoms... I have daily 'heart attacks'... In the past year alone I have had 12 EKG's, a 24hr holter monitor, an echo, a stress test and my heart is in perfect health. Even knowing this, I still have major panic when I feel symptoms, and I feel them all the time. In the ER once, there was someone there actually having a heart attack and I heard them say they had pain in their left calf - I also had a Dr. once ask me if I had jaw pain and all of these things are now my 'constant' symptoms. Along with the physical pain of anxiety, I feel depersonalization, confused, heat rises up the back of my neck as I get more increasingly scared. This is probably my biggest concern in daily life however lately, now a pain in my head must be a tumor (even though I've had clear scans), a stomach pain must be an ulcer or appendicitis. It's exhausting to worry like this 24/7. I have a huge fear of people I care about dying. Last year my brother was deployed in Afghanistan (thankfully he came back alright) - but that was really hard to go through, the worry and fear, and also last year my beloved dog got hit by a car and I wasn't there to say goodbye and that amped up my panic a huge deal. I'm a single Mom 100% of the time in every way and there are stresses in life, but I've stopped being able to cope. One week ago today I got laid off from my job so that has added on top of everything else.
Other fears I have are fumes/gasses. In the car, if I smell something, I fear the car will blow up. The worst and most long lasting fear is carbon monoxide. I turned my heat on earlier (it's not even gas- it's oil, but that doesn't make it any easier for me), and I think it dried out my sinuses. I felt a little disoriented the more I focused on it. They also say to go outside and see if you feel better, but mentally, of course...when I walk out there I feel better. I have 2 detectors in my tiny apartment, and no source of CO that I even know of, but that one little thought gets in there and it mounts and mounts and it's out of control. I tried therapy for the first time a few months ago, I felt like I had no other choice. I'm 'here' for my baby girl all the time, but I want to be more in the moment, not here with her but worrying about dying when she excitedly sings me her ABC's! I didn't click with the therapist but it was helping a bit. He told me I was very self aware and knew what the issues were. Turns out, I think I need some kind of CBT treatment. I had to stop seeing him anyway as my insurance has lapsed since I just lost my job. About 2 months ago I tried my first med, ativan. It does pretty well at calming me down but I came to the realization that I'd like to try something that kept it from coming up at all, more a maintenance drug so my primary care Dr. gave me Paxil but I took one pill, felt weird and didn't take any more. I'm caught in a hell that I don't know what to do with. Half an hour ago I was dying of CO poisoning. I contemplated opening my window (it's 30 degrees outside right now). If the baby wasn't in the house, I probably would. Realistically I know there isn't an issue, but I still panic to crazy extents. I loathe it. Another strange fear I have is pills/food. I'm horrified to take any new pills because I'm afraid I will have a deathly allergic reactions. I've been stung by a bee and didn't have a reaction but I am deathly afraid of them and avoid the outdoors because I'm certain it will cause my death in the summertime. I've been eating peanut butter my whole life but every time, I still think I might have a reaction that will kill me, same with strawberries, almonds, seafood. Trust me when I say; I'm not allergic to anything, never have been. Yet I'm paralyzed with this fear. I'm a looney tune and so tired of this. It drives me nuts. If you've read this long, please take a moment to comment. More than anything else, I came here to meet new people and hopefully work on our issues together and come out on top. The idea of someone understanding you seems awesome to me. I don't have family/friends in my life that are of any support, but would love that more than anything. Message me here if you ever want to chat or reach me on my chat messenger also, I'd appreciate it. Though I'm quite the mess, I'm a loyal listener and want to be able to be there for someone when they need it. I know I certainly need it at times

Nice to meet you all!

Angela

[Chrissy88]

Hi and welcome!
You're definitely not crazy, just suffering from debilitating anxiety like so many of us here are. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, I too have heart worries and always assume the worst every time I feel any kind of pain that comes up. I'm the same with medications and foods too, my doctor prescribed me Valium for when I have bad panic attacks but i've been to afraid to take it in case I have a bad reaction and it makes me panic even more. Every time I eat take away or any kind of meat at home i'm always deathly scared i'll get food poisoning. I'm a lot better than what I used to be thanks to medication (I was having constant panic attacks every day and was so desperate to feel better that I just went ahead and took them, thankfully I had no bad reaction), so I would definitely go back to your doctor to try and find something that works for you, while you will still have your bad days it really does improve your quality of life, you don't feel like such a prisoner of your mind anymore. I have done some CBT and can't recommend it enough, the techniques it taught me have really helped to calm myself down when i'm on the verge of a panic attack and tackle those terrible thoughts. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a terrible time, but just know that you're not alone! Everyone here is going through similar experiences we are a really friendly bunch. It really makes you feel a whole lot better to talk to people who know what it's like. If you ever need to chat feel free to send me a PM anytime- i'm always happy to listen.

[cattttt]

Me too! I've had a fair few of these thoughts too. I'm 57 now and I can't remember a time when I didn't have them. I'ts got much better as I've got older ( and I'm still here and nothing's happened ), now is the calmest and most relaxed I've ever been. Things that have helped me are meditation, CBT and laughter yoga. Meds were never a goer - that's one of my big fears, as are some foods - I stopped eating peanut butter, even though I'd never had a problem with it, and oranges, because the med I take for my bp can react with grapefruit ( work that one out ). I won't bore you with any more details, but know that you are not alone and that there are things you can do that don't cost much - there will be some free meditation classes in your area and maybe laughter yoga ( give it a go, it's great fun ).